mugging & masculinity

Painting by George Bellows

Today marks my one month being here in beautifully crazy New York City!

So far I have lost my phone and Rx glasses in a cab, locked myself out of my apartment for six hours, been stuck on a subway train/gotten lost in the subway system and of course, gotten mugged.


Before anyone jumps to conclusions - this stuff hardly happens in NYC anymore. NYC is a much safer city than it used to be and my experience has just been uniquely misfortunate (though it has happened to any real New Yorker in the past). I prefer to think of it as a Rapid Residency Program-it's how they help new residents adapt to their new life in the city.


But on to the reason why I am posting...


Being mugged for the first time in my life (knowing it was going to happen) has shaken me up. In reality it was two teen boys who used no weapons, threats or force - they were merely looking for cash. Unfortunately for me, they got my laptop and passport instead (the passport was in the bag).


I could have screamed, ran away, tried to fight them off (trusting they had no weapons) - but I wanted it to be over so I gave in. To be honest I feel raped - violated - and weak. Any sense of masculinity I had - has swept away - though it is creeping back day by day.


I immediately believed it was my fault for carrying my laptop with me, walking alone at night, not fighting them off, not having enough muscles, etc. For the first day or so I have replayed the incident over and over which has led to tears and even made it hard for me to leave the apartment the next day.


As I work with police - I feel more empowered again and am still working on gaining my sense of masculinity - which has proved difficult because that was an issue for me before the incident occurred. It helps to talk about this openly with other men - but I found it hard to talk to my "straight" roommate about it in fear he would judge I wasn't manly enough. I got over that and humbled myself to ask for a blessing after talking to him about it. Things are looking brighter as I continue forward knowing that God's got my back.


This has actually been one of those blessings in disguise as I have asked the Lord what I am to learn from all of this - the obvious answer is humility. I have been slipping down the darkened path and taking upon me the flaxen cords of temptation and sin for the last few months prior to moving and definitely since being here.


I know the Lord loves me so much that He would allow such events to happen in an effort to "wake me up before I go go" too far. I started reading "Believing Christ" by Stephen Robinson again - it has definitely helped to remind me of the true meaning of the Atonement of Christ - who Christ is and what He is not only truly capable of doing but what He is doing for me now and especially when I love and follow Him.


Being excommunicated I have had a hard time remembering how to recognize or feel the spirit- let alone have it stay with me. As I have placed my "sacrifice" upon the alter and humbled my unworthy self before the Lord - I have found that comfort, peace and healing I need.

I know that despite my weaknesses - struggles - shortcomings and lack of faith - the Lord created me as a man. I am a man - but most importantly I am a son of God.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

what kind of light am i?

My great grandfather Arthur B Clinger was one of the early Stake Presidents of the San Diego region back when it stretched from Oceanside to Yuma, AZ. He later became the Stake Patriarch (the youngest called in the church at the time) giving almost everyone who lived in that region between WWII and and 1975 (I think) their patriarchal blessing. Even my patriarch got his from my great grandfather. Anyway, he had told my grandmother who had told me later on that we are all stars in this great universe. Some of us are great, bright stars who guide others with our consistent testimonies and Christlike lives. There are others who are bright but not always seen - when found those stars can be helpful to those looking for direction. Then there are others who are not as full of light as others - they can't help others because they themselves need to find the light. All stars are loved, needed and apart of the universe - each of us plays a part - but what light are you?

About 73 years ago I lived in this place called Atlanta - quite the strange place - hard to find - very mysterious. One day as I wondered the halls of the church there I was feeling full of wisdom and spoke to a friend about light. I asked her, "what kind of light are you?" This conversation continued for a few Sundays...but eventually it died off.

Recently my mind has wandered in much the same way and the blessing of losing my 24/7 connection to the world via losing my phone in a cab has helped me to connect inward. This has led to insanity on many levels - but now that I am connected to my insanity I have found myself feeling wise again - this is a rare day!

What kind of light am I? Do I lead or do I follow?

The sun
At the center of all things - it is consistent - gives off light, energy, life, direction and warmth. All things follow the sun.

The moon
Basically reflects light from the sun to others when the sun cannot be seen. Though it moves consistently - there are times it can not be seen or seemingly, disappears. The moon both leads and follows.

The stars
Light varies - depending how far they are from us - how old or young they are - how large or small they may be. Some give off strong light and provide consistent direction through the night - while others can hardly be seen. Stars are both leaders and followers depending on their strength.

Halogen
Manmade-Bright, clear, gets hot easily, burn out if left on too long.

Flood Light
Manmade-Bright, long-lasting - used for security purposes or light up large areas.

Flashlight
Manmade-Depending on what brand you buy, batteries used and the bulb it uses can burn out quickly or last awhile. Used to find one's way through the darkness.

Christmas Tree lights or Track Lighting
Manmade-Nice for decoration - superficial and not always too reliable.

Fluorescent
Manmade-Bad for your eyes - provides a false reality of color - overbearing and overused!

That's my list anyway...what kind of light are you?

Please add to my list or make suggestions for definitions

Oh and by the way - I may not be the brightest light or star for that matter - but I am working on becoming the kind of light that warms others, gives life and direction to the lost and weary. I know that as follow the one constant light of the universe I will one day become the kind of light that can do as He does.

My friends, one thing my great grandfather did not include is that we may think we are dim stars in the distant not giving off light or leading others to safety - but so often WE ARE!!! with a smile, a hug, kind words, a text or a prayer - please never underestimate the power of the light you have within! REMEMBER to share and cherish the light you have, receive and give to others.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i don't think we're in kansas anymore

This song has been in my head and playing in my heart for the last few days as I heading out toward a new chapter of my life. I hope the lyrics move you as they have me. Carry on...

Carry On My Wayward Son by Kansas

{Refrain
Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think I still was a mad man
I hear the voices when I'm dreaming
I can hear them say

{Refrain

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man, well
It surely means that I don't know

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean
I set a course for winds of fortune
But I hear the voices say

{Refrain
No!

Carry on, you will always remember
Carry on, nothing equals the splendor
The center lights around your vanity
But surely heaven waits for you

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry (don't you cry no more)

amazing update

Just a little note for those who read the "amazing" post in June. I took some tests and found that I am able to have children. I guess now all I need is a wife - willing to have them with me.

southern hospitality

I got to thinking - finally...

All this talk of New York City and I have failed to acknowledge the place that has gotten me this far

Atlanta - HOTLANTA - Capital of the South! Where would I be right now if I wasn't here. Literally, I suppose I'd still be in Washington, DC but I doubt it. I could be in California - but I probably would have left again by now.

It took me four years to figure out - yeah - I was meant to come here - not necessarily forever - but at least long enough to learn a few things.

So here's to southern hospitality and the lessons I learned:

When giving directions - include the exit number - it's easier that way

Southern people don't understand why anyone would call it "THE" 400, "THE" MARTA, "THE" 285...so don't confuse them

No matter what you do on the road, simply attach a little wave of the hand - it seems to fix everything - even fatal collisions & near death experiences

Leaving the slightest hint of space between you and another car is an invitation for any one - even three lanes over to cut in

The state motto: Wisdom, Justice & Moderation means wisdom & justice are to be used in moderation - this of course does not apply to Jack Daniels

Apparently anyone is allowed to run a red light as long as it has only been red for under seven seconds - so, yes - you CAN block an intersection even when there is a sign saying not to

Pedestrians don't use sidewalks - they use the force of being hit by cars to get them where they want to go - so please be considerate and hit a pedestrian

If you see a sidewalk - please try to understand that it will dramatically cease to exist at any point (the sidewalk does really end) - wear appropriate shoes for such occurrences.

If you aren't screaming and sprinting to catch "THE" MARTA bus - how will they know you want a ride?

On a more serious note I have learned that it may be difficult to make close friends immediately - but when you make close friends here - you have friends for life - through thick and thin.

I have met some of the most amazing people here in Atlanta who have taught me so much and helped me grow to where I am now. I am blessed to have had such an experience and to leave knowing I am always welcome back with plenty of open arms.

I appreciate and love each of you who have joined me on part of my journey.

love Jey

You've been caught Jey Walking! (and I know you like it!)

thanks billy joel

Early on the morning of March 31st - a few days after my classes ended and I graduated college - I got an email saying that I am an acceptable Master's candidate for Milano The New School for Management & Urban Policy in New York City this Fall.

Since then my mind has daily spasms of dreams come true and nightmares realized - a bittersweet concoction of fear, doubt, overwhelming joy and excitement. There are days I think both "Am I ready for New York?" and "Is New York ready for me?" I've come to realize that what I am embarking upon is the beginning of the new authentic ME that sees my vision of my dreams coming to fruition while confronting and conquering my fears. You know, cause if I can make it there, I can make it anywhere and I intend to make my vision come alive EVERYWHERE!

So now one might wonder what that vision is...
Life has thrown me quite a few curveballs and obstacles - I'd venture to say I've even created some those obstacles myself -REGARDLESS - my vision has been and always will be basically this:

I will share all that I have - talents - gifts - knowledge/wisdom - time and means to those who - like me - have endured life's curveballs - continued to fight and are looking to create for themselves a new life and see their visions come alive.

I will achieve this through starting an organization for youth and young adults that focuses on assisting abused foster youth and emancipated young adults in various ways. The organization will also focus on Drug Abuse Prevention Outreach & Education. I will also have an HIV/AIDS Outreach Prevention & Education team serving young adults who are at risk and/or already infected.

I know New York City is the place for me to learn more about how to achieve such goals and, of course, network with others interested in assisting is such a large project and ongoing work.

I am so happy to know in my heart that I am taking the right steps to provide myself with the credentials needed to start and take on such work. I am ecstatic knowing that God supports the work I want to do. The more I think about all the amazing things I've witnessed and experienced in my life and all the things I am about to engage myself into - I can't help but to thank Billy Joel for inspiring me with a New York State of Mind. Thanks Billy Joel!

I hope New York is ready for me...Start spreading the news...

You've been caught Jey Walking! (and there it's ok :D)

what 29 means

Aw yes - I am finally 29 years old today!

I am so happy to be that much closer to thirty - but I am getting ahead of myself - I must enjoy the year ahead as it comes.

What lies in store in the next year?

August: move to NYC
September: start grad school
October: miss all my Atlanta friends a lot more!
November: NYC Thanksgiving / Macy's Parade - Vote for US President as a New Yorker!
December: enjoy NYC holiday season / go to Cali for Christmas hopefully to warm up - first grad school semester completed! Oh yeah and NEW YEAR'S EVE NYC style!
January: make resolutions!
February: break resolutions and someone's heart on V-Day!
March: start defrosting!
April: spring break!
May: half way thru grad school!
June: start planning a huge NYC 30th Birthday party for this guy I know!
July: yeah, you know - party 'til dawn the next week! / Fourth of July NYC!

So what does 29 mean?

Birthday Number 29
Optimism will be your best friend. You are imaginative and creative, but rather uncomfortable in the corporate world. You are very aware and sensitive, with outstanding perceptive skills and analytical abilities. The number 29 reduces to 11, one of the master numbers, which often produces much nervous tension. Learn to be calm and cool. This is the birthday of the dreamer rather than the doer. You will maintain good contacts.

Today's most reliable unreliable horoscope:
You'll have high energy today, although it might not kick in until later in the day. More than help you get a lot of stuff done, this buzz will help you make some changes within your group of friends. Not everyone is on the same page right now, and these differences are causing people to forget how much they truly care about each other. It's time for a party or other type of group event where everyone can relax and enjoy hanging out together. Plan something with all that energy of yours!

Today brings a sense of starting over, though you may not be entirely sure what part of your life is changing. That's okay -- you just need to make sure you're open to new possibilities.

Is your birthday day 2 of the month?
Your Life
You have great common sense but usually fail to follow through. This might happens because you are too busy with your mission and shut yourself from the outside world. You are clever and profound so there's a slight chance for self-control problem.

Your Love
Your love progress slowly, and quietly. You seem to be contented with your unrequited love. Your are a romantic and loyal lover.

ANYWAY - so I thought this would be a fun little post...I'm not sure any of this stuff can hold up in court.

You've been caught Jey Walking!