These days I find it difficult to unwind, un-do and unplug, but today's ride home I received a gift.
I love music and Jonny Lang. Jonny Lang was introduced to me by my friend Jennifer who has a similar love for music and Jonny Lang.
Today I was listening to my collection of music and out of nowhere I came to this song that, within a few lyrics captured my attention. It may be one of the best sounding songs I've read and listened to in a long time.
Take a looksie:
Dying to Live written by Edgar Winter, 1971
You know I've heard it said there's beauty in distortion By some people who withdraw to find their head And they say there is humor in misfortune No, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead
[Chorus] Why am I fighting to live If I'm just living to fight Why am I trying to see When there ain't nothing in sight Why am I trying to give When no one gives me a try Why am I dying to live If I'm just living to die
You know some people say that values are subjective But they're just speaking words That someone else has said And so they live and fight and kill with no objective Sometimes its hard to tell the living from the dead
[Chorus]
You know I used to weave My words into confusion And so I hope you'll understand me When I'm through You know I used to live my life as an illusion But reality will make my dream come true
So I'll keep fighting to live Till there's no reason to fight And I'll keep trying to see Until the end is in sight You know I'm trying to give So come on Give me a try You know I'm dying to live Until I'm ready to die
I don't know how that song hits you, but I know for me, it's priceless. Another magical moment in musical history.
From a very early age, I fell in love with musical theater. I, among many others, dreamed of a day I would headline a Broadway show. My grandmother who raised me never really seem to believe I had what it took to be a star; so neither did I. I am not blaming her for any of my failed dreams; but rather wishing I could have proved her wrong. She never said I couldn't do it; she rather pointed out my flaws and told me I would have to work harder to be a professional. I took that as a lack of confidence. She loved to hear me sing, most of the time. Her favorite song that I would sing to her was Music of the Night. When I taught myself how to play a medley of Phantom of the Opera songs, she loved that as well. My dream was to be the Phantom and have my grandmother sit in the best seat of the house and watch me sing before a sold out crowd on Broadway. I wanted her to see the applause I would get and the standing ovation. I wanted to be able to hand a bouquet of red roses to her while on stage so everyone could see my mother; the mother of a star. Obviously this dream never really took off.
My grandmother and I were an odd couple; we were more like best friends than relatives. I think that's why it was so hard for her to discipline me into the person she wanted me to be. We had our disputes, we went everywhere together and we even shared secrets amidst laughter and tears. We loved each other. She means everything to me.
When The Phantom of the Opera came out in the movie theater, I had a chance to come home to San Diego and watch it with my grandmother. We were in absolute awe. I had never seen a production of Phantom in my life; I had only listened to Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman sing it on the original soundtrack, over and over again. It was a magical moment for the both of us.
Two years later after seeing the movie together, my best friend passed away and I can only hope see has continued to watch over me. She took me aside before her death and asked me to sing for her funeral and I agreed. I didn't dare sing Music of the Night at her funeral, but my sister sang an altered version of Think of Me that was another favorite of hers that my sister sang beautifully. I sang a song titled Mama from Il Divo, which was a request of my aunts on behalf of the family. I got a chance to do a show for my grandmother before she died in which I sang Music of the Night and played my piano medley of Phantom music. She was in tears as was I. Thinking back on that day, I realized she was giving me the chance to show her I was a star; I didn't need to be on Broadway to prove it to her.
Now I have been to New York a few times and, of course, now I live here. So anyone would assume that a fanatic like me would have seen Phantom a million times over. It actually wasn't until last Friday that I finally went to see it. Yikes! I think, subconsciously, it felt wrong without my grandmother with me. However, it wasn't long after the music started that I felt her sitting beside me and enjoying the show. Another magical moment my best friend and I got to share.
Since then I have been like Christine, wishing her dead father and best friend were somehow alive again and able to see her grow up and rise to become a star. She begs for him to come back and guide her and to let her hear his voice again. In the end she realizes she has to move on otherwise the pain of not having him there will engulf her.
I miss my dear friend and mother and wish I could just call her like I used to. She would always bear her testimony to me of the gospel and of Jesus Christ. She would always tell me she was praying for me, to which I would always respond, "Well, someone has to." I know I am not the only one who has lost someone near and dear to their soul, but I can't help to express my loneliness and grief that I feel without her tangibly here in my life.
She always told me when I was being a brat that I should be grateful for her because she was my best friend; the only one who knew the real me and still loved me anyway, besides God. She was right and I miss her, but somehow I have to find a way to move on and know that the picture of us together on my piano and the many memories I have of us is sufficient, for now. The frame in which the picture resides reads: Through Thick and Thin.
You have been caught Jey Walking!
"You were once my one companion you were all that mattered You were once a friend and [mother] then my world was shattered
Wishing you were somehow here again wishing you were somehow near Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed, somehow you would be here
Wishing I could hear your voice again knowing that I never would Dreaming of you won't help me to do all that you dreamed I could
Passing bells and sculpted angels, cold and monumental, seem, for you,the wrong companions you were warm and gentle Too many years fighting back tears Why can't the past just die?
Wishing you were somehow here again knowing we must say goodbye Try to forgive teach me to live give me the strength to try
No more memories, no more silent tears No more gazing across the wasted years Help me say goodbye."
"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again" from Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera
I noticed today that my blog viewership is down six percent. I know I don't write that much anymore; there's a reason.
Things are finally sort of normal in my life; go figure. I mean I am still crazy, that hasn't changed. My life is sort of good and I am settling into somewhat of a routine.
Now I am also feeling like I might be in a rut and that's why life feels somewhat stagnant; however, I haven't really pinpointed any one thing I need to change or do to change that. I wonder if sometimes we're supposed to be in a rut so we can figure our own way out of it as a part of one of our many life lessons.
At any rate, I am here. I am alive and doing well. Yes, I continue to face challenges and obstacles, but I guess I am just trying to deal with them as gracefully as possible.
My recent obsession with "Glee" has brought me to this classic song. When I hear it, I imagine my Savior saying these words to me. I feel comforted by these words and the way they make me feel when I hear them. I truly believe my Savior stands by and really understands what I have gone through, as well as what I am going through. It's safe to say, He most likely knows what I will go through before this life is over. And for that I am grateful. Enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ebB690D9Mc
Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes Come on and come to me now. Don't be ashamed to cry, let me see you through Cause I've seen the dark side too. When the night falls on you, you don't know what to do, Nothing you confess could make me love you less I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.
So, if you're mad get mad, don't hold it all inside, Come on and talk to me now. And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too But I'm a lot like you. When you're standing at the crossroads, don't know which path to choose, Let me come along, cause even if your wrong
I'll stand by you, I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you, I'll stand by you.
Take me into your darkest hour, and I'll never desert you. I'll stand by you.
And when, when the night falls on you [my child], you're feeling all alone, You won't be on your own, I'll stand by you. I'll stand by you I'll stand by you, won't let nobody hurt you. I'll stand by you Take me in into your darkest hour and I'll never desert you I'll stand by you.
I have kept silent for the last month to allow my mind to rest in hopes of gathering more thoughts on which to expound upon.
One thing I did as I came closer to the end of 2009 was to just let it happen. I usually send out a year end post or email that talks about, basically, all of which I have already posted before. It just seemed so redundant of me. So, I ended the year with little or no words at all because it proved to me that the end of the year would occur with or without my traditional post.
One of my thoughts that I gathered in was about who I am. I imagine that if my life is like any character from the great classic, Saturday's Warrior, then I can easily assume that before this life, a long time ago, I stood around waiting for my turn to come to this earthly existence. I may have even plead with my older brother Jimmy to, remember to keep his promise. In fact, I may have even met my one true, eternal companion, despite the fact that I am gay; I can assume any one of the male characters in that movie are too. To be honest I sometimes wish it were all that simple, but it is not.
Here's how life really is, for me. I am attracted to men. I sort of have a fairytale dream that I will get married and have children. I used to believe that I could make a marriage between me and a woman work, but it won't, for me. Some people have told me not to worry because I will have a chance to be married in the next life when I am no longer gay. I question those who believe that when this life is over all gay people will magically no longer be gay. Who am I to question the power of God, but how and why would He change me to become heterosexual? I'm just saying, I am almost stereotypically gay, how is my whole life as a gay person going to change after this life? I am not looking for "answers", I am just asking.
I have also considered the subject of being re-baptized. I have wanted this so badly since I was excommunicated. I no longer understand how being re-baptized will help me if I don't plan of living a celibate life. I would love to have the full blessings of membership, but I am being realistic about my lifestyle. I have struggled the last few years to become a person who is not promiscuous and who values deep and meaningful relationships that are both emotional and physical. I have been open with my Bishop letting him know that if I find a partner to settle down with, there would be no reason for me to attempt re-baptism. I know that even kissing and cuddling with my male partner would be considered grounds for disciplinary actions, contrary to heterosexual relationship standards. My Bishop, however, surprisingly applauds my efforts to find one partner for myself to whom I can devote my emotional and physical love. Now I join the ultimate struggle which is finding Mr. Right.
Aside from these thoughts I have considered other parts of my future. Right now I am in graduate school for a management degree, but am not sure I want to manage anything, but my life. I want to finish the program because I think it's important to finish what you start and to get a degree that shows you can learn new things. Having a master's degree can be a foot into several doors. I have been asked several times what my plans are, but candidly, I am uncertain. I have plenty of ideas and dreams, so I don't think I am afraid of the future per se, but rather worried about whether the choices I make now will lead me in the right direction. I am not alone in this, many people have these same worries or concerns.
As far as the rest of my life goes, I left the frozen tundra of New York City on December 17th to enjoy a wonderful month long visit to San Diego. I was able to see most of my friends and family there. I had a relaxing Christmas Day filled with endless gourmet cuisine fixed by my step-mother and delightful gift giving. My warm New Year's celebration was exciting and lasted the entire weekend, as it should. I did some bargain shopping, ate delicious food, went to the beach several times, got a tan and needless to say, relaxed my tired 30 year old ass!
With 2010 now underway I am facing new challenges, overcoming old ones and gearing up for what I expect to be a fruitful and adventurous year. I may not know what I am supposed to be when I grow up, but I am here and giving nearly my best shot with what I got. I am thankful for my life, my friends, loving family members and always, the good times. Let the good times roll!
You have been caught Jey Walking! (Have a happy and industrious new year!)
Today is December 1st and marks yet another World AIDS Day and I have to ask myself, what have I or anyone else accomplished?
Since December 1st 2005, which marked my first World AIDS Day being diagnosed positive, I have spent the day pondering the future of the fight against HIV/AIDS for myself and the world around me. Speaking from my own experience, the true cure for this disease, that has unfortunately taken record number of lives every day and is still the leading cause of death in most parts of Africa, is outreach, prevention and education. I am hopeful as I continually read more and more articles regarding the advances in medicine and science that both preserve people's lives and looks for a permanent cure.
This year I have gone through so many changes due to my HIV-positive status. What used to be three pills a day is now five pills a day and recently evidence shows that there's a slight possibility of lymphoma. I have also recently found out that a friend has been diagnosed HIV positive. So, today I sit here pondering the reality of the future of people living with HIV/AIDS; is it going to get better; is it ever going to stop?
Men who have sex with men still make up almost half of all those infected every year. This seems outrageous; what has all the fundraising, outreach, prevention and education helped if men who have sex with men are not protecting themselves? As I often say, something's gotta give, but now I will say something's gotta change!
I know I have no right to preach about protecting oneself; after all I knew about the dangers of HIV/AIDS and about protection but didn't do enough about it to remain negative. However; this doesn't mean what I am saying isn't valid. If you are man who is at all sexually active with other men, even with protection, you should be getting tested regularly. Other diseases can be transmitted even without sexual activity that getting tested can detect. Being afraid or in denial can no longer be the answer to the problem, especially if you are a man who has sex with men and women.
I think my message is clear this World AIDS Day. Yes, it's a great day to wear a red ribbon and attend a candlelight vigil or whatever else, but more needs to be done within each person's community and, of course, with each person individually. If you have not been tested; get tested, do it today or make it a goal to do before the year is through.
I swear I wish I would have made better choices in my life and kept myself from having to go through this disease, but I thank God for what I have gone through and the ability to speak up about this issue that concerns us all. You can spend your time telling yourself it will never happen to you, but you should only say that if you are 100% sure it won't. That surety only comes with protection and testing.
I continue to hope and pray for a world without such preventable diseases as HIV/AIDS. Please join me in my prayers that outreach, education, prevention and a cure will be available to all and that more will do what they can to stop the spread of HIV and fight AIDS.
For those interested in more information about HIV/AIDS, World AIDS Day events and HIV testing sites, please follow the links below. Also below are related links and articles about HIV/AIDS.
