what? a new blog? yeah!

Be on the look out for my new blog "My Long Walk Down A Short Road" that will focus on my life from childhood to late-twenties. I hope this will shed more light on who I am by allowing readers to see where I have come from and what I have been through. Please support my effort to delve into my past life and explore how I became who I am today. If possible, it may also help others relate to my experiences and feel inspired or comforted that we are not alone in this earthly experience. What happens in this life is not always enjoyable, but as I have found, it can serve to develop one's character for the better.

"Jey Walking" will remain my present-day blog, so you can continue following me here too. Thanks for everything my little Jey Walkers.

http://longwalkdownashortroad.blogspot.com

home

The popular idiom says home is where the heart is, but what if you're heart is broken?

Then, where and what is home?

I come from a broken family and a broken existence. I have no roots. I often feel lost, alone and like an aimless wanderer wrapped up in my dreams that are without direction or focus.

I want to know what home feels like. My home was never consistent or like any others I have ever interacted with. When I was a child, my parents were just as immature and childish as I was. They were selfish, needy and destructive; not the role models an impressionable mind needs.

My older siblings were expected to take charge and take care of the younger siblings; however, they were inconsistent because they weren't equipped with the knowledge, wisdom and maturity it takes to be a parent, but I give them great credit, because they did their best and saved my life. This is not home.

I have always been pretty close to most of my siblings, but I grew up feeling very disconnected and separate from my family; very independent. I even felt like I was constantly competing with those siblings I lived with for love and affection from other family members. Is this a normal part of growing up or did I have special needs or problems?

I am actually very grateful to be able to travel and see my family more often and communicate with them through texts, chats and facebook. But, this does not feel like home.

As an adult I have experienced relationships and friendships of all kinds that have been emotional and intimate on many levels. I have counted many of my closest friends as my brothers and sisters because of our emotional bonds we share. This still is not home.

Whether I am in San Diego, Atlanta, Washington, DC or New York City, I feel homeless. Whether I am with my parents, siblings or close friends, I still feel alone. Whether I feel God's love around me and know of His love for me, it is difficult for me to envision where I fit in his home, if at all.

I feel like I have made a cardboard cut out home for myself made up of positive memories, overwhelming emotions, HIV, the loss of my grandmother who was one of my best friends and my personal dreams. I relate this home to the house that was built upon the sand.

"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." Matthew 7: 27

I am not sure that my house full of random feelings and experiences will carry me into the kingdom of God, much less, get me through the rest of this life. I can only hope that as I grow in wisdom, I will make necessary repairs to my home and prepare it for the storms that come, so that I will endure them with faith and strength.

I know this life is a test. My test may include being alone and lost for a little while. This is not a trivial life or existence.

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Teilhard de Chardin

I am not meaning to sound ungrateful to my God and Savior, friends and family who pray for me and love me unceasingly, but I am afraid I will die without a sense of home; a sense of warmth, family and unity. Even my cat, Porter, welcomes me home with a hug and affection, but as much love as I feel from him, it will never repair the damage of the past; only the Atonement of Jesus Christ can perform such a miracle and that is a lifelong process.

Last Sunday afternoon I watched for the first time, The Wiz. Now, I've heard Michael Jackson sing the song from The Wiz titled Home, but I never paid attention to the lyrics or context of the song; I didn't know it was from The Wiz. My heart was touched magically as I heard Dorothy (Diana Ross) sing Home as she desired desperately to be with her loved ones and most importantly with herself; once she came into her own, knowing and loving herself.

Here are the lyrics:

HOME
by Charlie Smalls, from The Wiz

Think of home
Home

When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing

Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean

Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again

Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing

If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?

Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me

And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
Like yours
Like me

Like home...

I have come to know that home truly lies within my heart and I must allow pieces of my heart to stay with those I love. Then, home will be where my heart is.

“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.” Teilhard de Chardin

You have been caught Jey Walking!

Here's Kristin Chenoweth's GLEE version of Home:

wishing you were somehow queer again

the pageant, the philosopher, the dream and the cat

July started with a bang and ended on a great note - what a wonderful thing. Aside from my birthday and my awesome spiritual experience, the month was filled with some interesting events.

July 16-18, I went up with a friend to Rochester, NY to go to Palmyra, the Joseph Smith Home/Farm, the Sacred Grove and the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I have never done any of these things before. We got into Rochester late Friday night and within a few minutes realized that something was going on in town because it was packed...turns out by sheer coincidence that it was Rochester Gay Pride Weekend. What an odd contrast to my weekend's focus and plan. Inevitably, I decided to enjoy the local festivities and support my gays in Rochester. It was fun, but somewhat worthless.

I felt weird going to Palmyra afterward, but we did anyway. I remember spotting the first protester's sign when we arrived to the Book of Mormon printing press. I had never really seen any in person protest of the Church. Unfortunately, it seems being anti-Mormon defines some people and it's all they do with their time and energy. However; as we moved on to the Smith home/farm where there were no protesters I began to feel a bit better, though the vans and busloads of tourists didn't help my anxiety - that's what happens during pageant time. Frankly, I couldn't feel the spirit until I entered the Sacred Grove - everything else was just not that touching to me in person.

I can remember vividly my journey into the Sacred Grove; each step into the forest dimmed the noise of passing cars, crying babies and conversations. I enjoyed what seemed like a few hours in this very special and sacred place. I can't imagine anyone coming here and not feeling something beautiful or magical. There is a presence there that is warm, loving, gentle and soothing to the heart and soul. I know that Joseph Smith entered this place and prayed for an answer and he did indeed see God, Our Heavenly Father and our Savior and Brother Jesus Christ. Joseph Smith received an answer that led to the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, wherein the real authority to act in Christ's name upon the Earth lies in His chosen servants and ordained prophets. I could not and will not deny the testimony I have of that truth. It was very difficult to leave that place, but hopefully what I felt there will remain carried in my heart.

Afterward, we headed to the Hill Cumorah and again we were met with the hissing sounds of anti-Mormon sentiments. I have never heard some the things people were saying and neither did I choose to ponder questions they were posing; their ideologies and message are founded in hate, fear and lies and one can feel the darkness they are trying spread. However; as you walk towards the hill, beautiful music pours out of the speakers and within seconds you no longer hear the vipers hissing from afar. Instead, you are met with genuine smiles, a feeling of love and a true sense of arriving home; what a stark and beautiful contrast. The cast members were so lovely and welcoming - the people in attendance were so polite and kind. It almost felt like what I imagine gathering together for the Second Coming of Christ would be like. I stared into a sea of strange, but familiar faces; I saw people embracing - long lost friends, family members, missionary companions - it was just a wonderful feeling and a sight to behold. The show was awesome and I am so glad I experienced it. It re-lit my fire and passion for The Book of Mormon and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the Atonement is real because of my previous scripture study and prayers. The voices I hear when I read the scriptures cry to me that it's true; it's real - the spirit testifies that I am not imagining it or that it is all a made-up concoction or dream of a man, but that it is the voice of God and Jesus Christ through their chosen prophets. It turned out to be one amazing weekend, even if I did, at first, veer off the path.

It's hard to top that, but on July 25th, I got to play a piano medley - pioneer tribute for sacrament meeting. The arrangement is named, "Leaving Nauvoo" and includes hymns/songs, Praise To The Man, Come, Come Ye Saints, Consider The Lilies and Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. It went very well and I felt it was a proper tribute to our pioneer heritage. The story unfolds right after the Prophet Joseph Smith is murdered and the Saints must leave Nauvoo. The beginning starts off as a funeral procession or requiem type mood. It moves on to a dramatic and somber march. As the Saints travel, experience hardships and are tested on every level they remember to, "consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not." (D&C 84:82-84) Knowing that God is with them and that His angels shall buoy them up through the storms, they press on. As they arrive to the Utah Valley they feel justified and seek to have their God forever engraved upon their hearts, thus, Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. Sorry to those who weren't there to experience this in person, but maybe the back-story alone helps.

Later in the week I came across an old Jewish businessman who was quite the self-proclaimed philosopher of sorts. I was there to pick up envelopes from his store, but instead received quite an earful of his ideas and philosophies. I don't think these things happen just because; in fact I think the message he gave to me is pretty powerful and intentional. He asked me if I had woken up yet. Obviously, he did not mean it in a physical sense, but rather in a spiritual/metaphysical/philosophical sense. I told him I wasn't sure to which he replied, "Then you haven't woken up." He went on and on and on about my lazy generation and the conspiracy regarding America's knowledge of the Holocaust and how the President knew everything but did nothing. I was like a deer in headlights, but this interactions left me thinking, have I woken up? I think this was a message or a hint from God and I appreciate it. I think it's time to, "Awake, my [son]; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust." (2 Nephi 1:23)

So, it's funny that after this encounter I went later that week to go see Inception, a movie about dreams, waking up and reality. I absolutely love this movie because it makes me think and dig deep into my thoughts and dreams. I went to see it for the second time last night with my friends...or was it just a dream? Afterward, my friend said to me that there is a Buddhist belief that says this life is meant for us to master our dreams because our dreams are connected to our souls. When we die and lose our current bodies, we must be able to control our soul through our dreams. If we are lost in our dreams, our soul will be lost, but if we are focused in our dreams and have complete control, we can control our soul and will not be lost. This struck me as being quite profound. Is this not truth? We are told in the scriptures to be careful with our thoughts and to master our minds and bodies. "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." (Mosiah 4:30)"...let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." (D&C 121:45) Anyway, I love thinking upon such matters of the soul.

And now for the mane event...kidding. After church last week I visited PetCo because they have their pet adoptions there on Sundays and I like to look at the animals and pet them; this is actually quite dangerous because it's hard to walk away without wanting to take some of them with you. Well, this proved to be the case as now I have adopted a three year old gray and white tuxedo cat who I named Porter after Cole Porter the American composer and musician. Porter is so sweet and really is a blessing to my life. He loves to lay on my piano which is so fitting for his name. He is a real chill cat that just loves to be pet, massaged, brushed, held and fed. I haven't had a cat since 1999 or a pet since 2008, so this is real exciting for me.

Ok, well that's the update. Hope you enjoyed the stories. See you next time.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

medical update...been awhile

After one year of being undetectable, I am no longer undetectable. I am at 78 viral load which is still pretty good but my T-cells have dropped down to 500. I am also having a thyroid problem which is not helping. At any rate, I feel great and my doctor says this is probably a normal fluctuation, so please no worries...prayers yes, worries no. Love ya all! Jey

let freedom ring!

This has maybe been the craziest birthday ever in my life; I just turned 31! As always I looked for a way to make it a blast for me and a few friends. This year I decided to debut my alter ego, Savannah Gorgeous. I thought by doing something outrageously crazy, I would have an awesome birthday. I did have a blast, as did my friends in attendance, but it wasn't everything I was looking for; there was something missing.

The next night on my actual birthday, a friend and I had an delicious dinner at Emporium Brazil and then went to see "La Cage Aux Folles" on Broadway. If you don't know, this play/musical was what the American movie, The Birdcage, was based on. The show was extremely awesome. I was in tears when I heard, "I Am What I Am" and "The Best of Times is Now" live for the first time. I got to meet the cast afterward and get autographs, including an autograph and photograph with the infamous Kelsey Grammar. I thought that this would be the best part of my birthday; it was exciting but there was still something missing.

We went to down to Billy's Bakery in Chelsea for dessert after the show and to my surprise was given a huge chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting for free. I still have some left, so if you want some, let me know. I took the cake to a bar and shared it with some new friends over some drinks. Later, we went dancing until nearly 5am. I had an amazing time, but there was something missing and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

The next day was a lazy Saturday of sleeping in and some light cleaning. It wasn't until later that night when I went to my room to relax and sat by my piano and played a few hymns. A feeling of 'ahhhhhh' came over me; it was so nice to play the piano and hear the beautiful hymns being played. The last hymn I played before retiring to bed was, "Rise Up, O Men of God." Something touched my heart when I read the words and sang them to myself, along with my piano.

"Rise up, O men of God!
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart and soul and mind and strength
To serve the King of Kings.

Rise up, O men of God,
In one united throng.
Bring in the day of brotherhood
And end the night of wrong.

Rise up, O men of God!
Tread where his feet have trod.
As brothers of the Son of Man,
Rise up, O men of God!"

Hymn #324

I slept that night with a feeling a peace that had come over me. When I awoke on the beautiful Fourth of July sabbath morning, I was excited to put on my red, white and blue outfit and sing patriotic hymns as loudly as I could at church. I was even on time to our nine o'clock meeting time. I was giddy when I walked in and heard "The Star-Spangled Banner" being played as prelude. I picked up the program and to my dismay we were not planning to sing any patriotic hymns. I was shocked, but I stayed calm; most likely the person in charge forgot it was the Fourth of July and the Bishopric would make the changes needed. Nope.

We started our meeting singing "I Believe in Christ;" I have to admit that the hymn always gets to me and touches me spiritually. We went right into the sacrament by singing, "While of These Emblems We Partake." By this point in the meeting I could barely sing the words, especially the fourth verse.

"But rise triumphant from the tomb,
And in eternal splendor bloom,
Freed from the pow'r of death and pain,
With Christ, the Lord, to rule and reign."

Hymn #174

As always, I just looked on as others take the sacrament and for some reason I took a huge gulp as it passed by. I had this feeling like I was thirsty and hungry and it wasn't because I was fasting; it was a spiritual feeling that came over me. I tried to ignore it and let it go but it remained.

The bishop's counselor (who was incidentally alone on the stand) began the testimony meeting. His 15 month old son had been recently diagnosed with diabetes and it has troubled their family. It was heartbreaking to see a father break down in tears talking about the love he has for his son. He testified of this life only being temporary and that we will rise again without diseases or ailments because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Though there was only a few in attendance, many others went up and testified; not of our country or anything patriotic, which I assumed would be the case, but of something more grand and glorious; the Atonement and the love of God.

What happened at the end of the meeting is what has left me in quite a state of shock. After five long years of excommunication that has been devoid of bearing testimonies over the pulpit, the spirit told me to stand up and testify and I did.

It was one of those moments where I can't remember quite what I said. I admitted that I had been excommunicated and was living with HIV. I talked about how I felt like a castaway on 'LOST' that was wondering around, unaware of my true state of being. I talked about the thing which was missing in my life: FREEDOM. It was my perfect spiritual independence day, to which I exclaimed, let freedom ring!

The moment that overcame me the most is when I said that I could either live life like I was dying or live life like I was living. I could see myself as dead in the grave or I can see myself resurrected with my Father in Heaven. I have to say after a lot of searching, I believe I found what I am looking for; it lies within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The gospel of Jesus Christ saves people like me and everyone everywhere from spiritual prison and death. It gives me freedom and that's what I am looking for. My hope now is that I will have the courage to follow Him into the waters of re-baptism, keep His commandments and do His will; serving Him and not my selfish desires.

The meeting ended in a somber way as we sang "I Know My Father Lives." The spirit of the hymn and the quiet expression of faith and devotion could be felt all around the chapel. It was one of those times I am glad to say I was there. It wasn't a wild drag show, a lovely dinner, a riotous Broadway production, free cakes, drinking and dancing all night long. It wasn't a meeting filled with patriotic pomp and circumstance, it was an hour or so of meditation, peace, faith and the pure love of Christ; a moment of spiritual freedom I desperately needed.

I want to express my gratitude for my friends and family who have always treated me with respect and love. Those who have never stopped thinking of me and praying for me. I am so grateful for the plan of peace and happiness that allows me to be free and to feel the love of God in my life continually.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28, 35-39

I love you my friends!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9xBV1_iTcg

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE FREE
Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

There is a wall that has been standing since the day that Adam fell
Sin is where it started and sin is why it held
Speakin’ as a prisoner who was there and lived to tell
I remember how it fell

I can hear the sound of freedom like a distant voice who called
And beckon me to follow where I had never gone
And though my heart is willin’, I just stood there at the wall
Prayin’ somehow it would fall

But in a cross I found a doorway and a hand that held a key
And when the chains fell at my feet, for the first time I could see

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

There are days when I’m reminded of the prison I was in
Like a livin’ nightmare burning deep within
I can feel the voice of evil, I can hear the call of sin
But I won’t go back again

See, once I’ve tasted freedom then the chains could bind no more
Since mercy gave me wings to fly like an eagle I can soar

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

Somewhere there’s a prison where the chains still burn
If not for the grace of God those walls could still be mine
So far all the captives are saved

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah
This is how it feels to be free

jey walking

So many random thoughts converge at once in my mind and somehow I have to separate them and interpret their meaning.

I was looking at a few take-out menus for lunch ideas which led me to playing with the magnet that holds them up on my board. After awhile I put the magnet back up and my eye caught the attention of a quote I placed on my board back in January.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

I started writing a post this morning about the topic of underpromising and overdelivering, but deleted it. After seeing this quote hours later, I realize what my topic for today really is...where is Jey walking to?

This blog is supposed to be about my life, adventures, enlightenment, inspiration, memories and most of all, my path or journey though this life. That's why I chose the name Jey Walking. Jaywalking (Jeywalking) is first, an offense in which a person illegally (or legally) crosses the road. And secondly, it represents me; Jey, walking or traveling through life, learning lessons and sharing them with you. It may be true that, in this life, I have illegally crossed the road while on this journey.

I've reached a point in my life where I no longer no where I am going. I thought I always knew. From an early age, I could tell you my plans for the future, whether it was to be the President of the United States, a judge, an artist/designer, a veterinarian or Broadway headliner/superstar. I went to school to study Advertising and thought that would be what I would do with my life. Then I graduated and went straight into graduate school for a degree almost unrelated to the first, Nonprofit Management. Now I am approaching graduation next May and I am wondering where I will go next.

I can admit freely that I am lost. I don't know whether to retrace my steps, hug a tree or start a fire that spells HELP or SOS.

Everyday I wake up and wonder what I will not accomplish, even though I have good intentions to complete necessary tasks and assignments. This is also indicated by my bedroom that never ceases to be messy, even after I clean it. I've always felt that the cleanliness or organization of one's living situation reflects the cleanliness or organization of one's mind. If my room is a mess, maybe I am, too.

So the whole point of this ramble is that I don't want to be like this anymore, but everytime I try to get out the mess, it seems to creep back in. How can I trust that it won't occur everytime I try to make my life work?

The answer is the quote above.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that I am a very determined person who gets caught up or distracted by other things I become determined about. She told me that I am so powerful and determined that if I were to just focus on the one thing it would happen because that's how determined a person I am.

I thought about what she had said and pondered about my life and the choices I make. The mess in my life comes from not staying focused on one singular goal or idea or task, but several at the same time. That causes more mess.

I think, I will need to make a list of all my interests, goals, dreams or ideas and prioritize them. For instance, getting my degree is more important right now than thinking about where I am going to live after I graduate. There are plenty of other examples that are a little more private to me. I laugh to myself when I say that because what is private anymore these days? See, I was just about to go off topic, but I stopped myself.

I want Jey to know where he is walking towards. Right now it's like I am walking backwards because I worry so much about what will or might happen next or down the road, rather than what is happening now, in the present.

Faith is taking a step into the unknown, but it doesn't mean one can't have a plan. The problem is people like me think we can control the way things work and happen and our plans are based on that presumed fact. Plans should be based on our needs and good desires and include what God would have us do. After all, who is the Master that knows all, oversees everything and does so with order and wisdom? Yes, He is.

I know that for my life to truly become less messy and more clean I must seek guidance from God and become more like Him, the god of order, truth and light. It will require faith in every foot step along the remainder of this journey here and beyond.

My hope is that Jey will be Walking in the right direction soon. Your prayers are welcomed here.

You have been caught Jey Walking!