how christmas stole the grinch

I feel sad that this year I admit freely that I have little or no Christmas spirit in me. It’s not that I don’t believe in and celebrate the birth of Jesus, but rather that I live in a cold, commercial and abrasive town known as New York City that sometimes acts as a barrier to my ability to be kind, loving, thoughtful and more Christlike.

Usually my heart is beaming with Christmas joy, holiday music and a sense of charity towards others, but this year something was missing. I didn’t attend any holiday parties, serve the homeless or foster youth or go caroling; I felt no need to be filled with love and share that love with others. I usually pride myself on presenting my church’s congregation with a Christmas song medley masterpiece that I mulled over since September, not this year; I just didn’t have it in me.

Other than being a resident of New York City, I can’t help to wonder what else has contributed to this down-trodden spirit of mine. I see commercials on television and YouTube clips that friends share on Facebook of others sharing the magic and love of Christmastime with their loved ones or those in need and though I may be touched for a moment, there hasn’t being that deep impact I look forward to each year. This is the time of year I look forward to when I feel like despite all that is wrong in my life or in the world, everything will be okay. It’s when I recognize that Christ was born on Earth long ago, He came to help mankind and He did through His awesome and everlasting Atonement. That’s the good news and the joy of the gospel that I know to be true and that I feel within me; He came, He lived, He taught, He led the way, He died for us and now He lives again!

So why can’t I allow even these thoughts I am writing permeate my cold heart and make it grow three sizes in one day like the Grinch when he sees Christmas come anyway despite his trying to destroy it? I am sure the answer is to ask for God’s love and feel the Christmas spirit, to help others feel it through acts of service and to find ways to surround myself with uplifting situations that spark within me the feelings of charity, peace, joy and love. I suppose this problem isn’t necessarily related to or isolated to Christmas either; maybe it’s time to find time each day to allow God to take control and priority in my life and not my own selfish desires.

Every Christmastime I think of the gifts that were bestowed to the baby Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Faith, love and devotion were given by the shepherds; gold, frankincense and myrrh given by the wise men. The gifts  of the wise men were not given as mere tokens, but as support to the family who were escaping the wicked king. They would need these gifts to buy to food, supplies, transportation and to buy passageway into Egypt. These seem small gifts compared to the mighty gift that Jesus would someday give to the world, but they were necessary for their physical survival, just as the Atonement is necessary for our spiritual survival.

Around this time I wonder what gift I could give to Christ for His love and many, great sacrifices. Of course, no gift that I can give will measure up to the eternal measure of the Atonement. All I can truly give the Savior is my heart, my faith, love and devotion as the shepherds did. I feel that the greatest gift I can give to the Lord is to allow Him into my heart and let Him lead me. In Job 23:10 it reads, “But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.” As I allow Him to test and try me, He refines me into a worthy gift for the kingdom; I come forth refined as gold; a gift fit for a King.

I may have not found a way to melt my heart completely this year, but it helps that I am around family and that I know I have friends and family around the world who love me, even if I am Grinch. My Christmas wish is to allow the gifts of our King into my heart and as it permeates, I may return that gift to Him in the form of my faith, love and devotion. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

A Letter and Call for Action from a friend

A Letter and Call for Action from a friend:

"Dear Friends, Family and Business Associates-

Recently I vowed to serve my nation as a member of the Armed Forces. It is something that I feel compelled to do, something that I feel is right, something that I feel is my role. It may seem out of character, but truly what is out-of-character about wanting to protect and serve the nation I call home? Being a member of the military requires the highest moral standards and requires living up to a creed of excellence far above the rest of society.

However, there is legislation that prevents all member of the armed service from serving with Honor in everything that they do. This legislation, Don't Ask Don't Tell, requires service men and women to lie about something so very trivial. It is also discriminatory and flies in the face of the very freedoms that the military seeks to protect.

"Liberty and justice for all." That is the pledge of allegiance that I remember saying each and every day as a young school boy. I don't recall saying 'liberty for those that i like and not for anyone else', or 'justice for those I deem religiously acceptable,' or 'liberty and justice all except the gays.' That wasn't the lesson that I was

taught. I was taught by my parents, my teachers, my friends that anyone with a dream and a desire to abide by the laws of this land that protect ALL could achieve their dream and become great. So I ask each of you to please support the repeal of DADT and support those men and women that seek to become great and do great things in the service of this nation.

Regardless of your faith, your political party, or your personal feelings this is the right thing to do and must be done. Please stand with the President, whether you like him or not, as he tries to repeal Don't Ask Don't Tell.

http://my.barackobama.com/RepealDADT-share

Please call your Congressmen and ask them to support the Repeal of DADT

https://writerep.house.gov/writerep/welcome.shtml

Contact your Senators and ask them to support equality for all and Repeal DADT

http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

I just did will you join me? 

-N. E.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

please exit to the left

Another World AIDS Day has come and gone. This year I have resisted becoming too involved with all the ceremonies, news of progress, politics, policy and the many obstacles that still stand in the way of a true cure. I have glanced at the news as it has come and I do believe we're getting closer, but for me I have to focus on other parts of my life because HIV is not who I am.

After being diagnosed five years ago, I have gone all over the place with this disease; low T-cells, high T-cells, undetectable, detectable, healthy and not so healthy. I started taking three pills a day to help suppress my high viral load; now I take just one. I now take Lexapro to buffer the side effects of my potent HIV pill, a prescribed daily vitamin, medication for my thyroid problem and prescribed Naproxen to alleviate my arthritis. At only six pills a day, I understand that I am fully blessed by God, medicine and modern-day science because I'm alive and others are not. I will never really be able to complain about this disease because I will most likely never have a reason to. More people with HIV/AIDS are living longer like my mother who at 62 years old is at least a 20 year old survivor. Long life is certainly something to be thankful for. This recent Thanksgiving I sat at my table with my roommates and thanked God for my health and strength; in one simple phrase: L'Chaim or 'to life' as my Jewish family around the world would say. That said: Happy Hanukkah my friends and family; may the lights of the menorah shine long and bright! Thank God for the miracles, redemption, mighty deeds, saving acts and wonders that He wrought for our ancestors and for us today!

Moving on...

Lately, I have been dreaming a lot because my HIV medication's side effects include vivid dreams, hallucinations and sometimes, night terrors. Most nights I have three separate dreams that are usually unrelated. The first dream is usually associated with whatever comes to mind as I fall asleep like what I just finished watching on TV, a recent conversation or random thoughts from the day. The second dream is usually related to me and/or my family members and is based on past events from reality; these can be the most frightening and I usually wake up shortly after they end. The third dream is usually associated with something crazy, random and probably more of a hallucination than anything else. By that time, my cat has climbed into my bed and started attacking my hands or face, sirens and construction outside begin to become louder and my stomach hurts for food.

The other night I had this dream that was very powerful to me and I woke up with some weird feelings about what occurred. The dream was the second one of the night, so I felt it was about me, but I wasn't in it that I could tell. The dream took place in the Garden of Eden and I watched the events unfold involving God, Adam and Eve take place that wasn't exactly how the Bible tells it in my mind. I remember Adam and Eve being very innocent and blissfully ignorant, but they were frustrated because they weren't sure what else to do other than enjoy life in the garden naming animals and laying around naked. Plus, they wanted to be like God and they sensed something was missing from their lives that caused them to be unlike Him. They were constantly looking for ways to be different, but they always reverted back to being innocent and ignorant instead of changing who they were and what they did.

Later in the dream, Eve gave into temptation and Adam followed her because he wanted to see what it was like and didn't want to be alone. Was this the first act of peer pressure? Probably not. But, Adam and Eve were excited, scared, full of joy and sadness simultaneously. They weren't able to control their new-found emotions and feelings. They hid from God because although they were glad they had these new feelings, it went against what they were told to do: don't eat this fruit.

When God confronted them, Adam and Eve didn't cower before Him; they argued with Him, they cried, they tried to explain why their decision was right, they didn't understand why God would put the fruit there if He didn't want them to take it. The argument went on for some time, but finally God told them they had to leave, but that He still loved them dearly. Adam and Eve wept, but they obeyed God and followed His angel out of the garden they knew to be home and into the rough, callous Earth that would be their new home.

It was a very dramatic dream and it made me feel angry and sad because this deep part of me says to myself: I don't want to leave the garden, I don't want to be cut off from your presence, I don't want to feel pain, but I do want to love, follow and be like you, Father. Why must it be like this?

The answer is in the good news; the gospel plan of happiness and salvation.

I feel this dream is so relevant to me because there is a deep part of me that doesn't want to leave the garden, or be cut off or to feel pain, but I have to because I have eaten the fruit. So, here I am on this rough, callous Earth still desiring to love, follow and be like my Father.

Later in the dream I saw Adam and Eve struggle for years and years to stay close to God, keep commandments and live their earthly lives. In the dream it took Adam years to be worthy of God's priesthood and to work miracles in His name. It took years for the altar sacrifices to be worthy enough for God's approval and blessing, but they still did it and pressed on.

How am I not in the same boat as Adam and Eve in this dream?

I am struggling to stay close to God, to follow Him and live this earthly life. I do press forward, doing what I can or am willing to do, but I don't feel it is enough to be worthy for His approval and blessings. I am sure Adam and Eve, in this dream, said to God, "I want, I want, I want" and never received because they needed to grow and be tested; in many ways I am in the same situation.

I know this has come up a few times on this blog and within conversations I've had with many of you and others. I do want to be worthy for God's approval and blessings. I do want to be re-baptized and have all my blessings restored and others bestowed upon me. Right now, though, it feels like I keep saying I want, I want, I want and I'm not placing sacrifices upon the altar that show my true sacrifice and desires. In many ways, I feel like I have lost the knowledge, power and willingness to do it anymore and overcome the obstacles I face which are not unlike many of yours and others'.

I believe in the power of dreams and visions and I know that God has given me the gift to interpret dreams and visions properly so that I may draw closer to Him. I know that this dream tells me that everyone, including Adam and Eve, have had to and do fight and struggle to love, follow and be like God.

To live this earthly life, we give up the innocence, the ignorant bliss and the constant presence of God and we must trek forward through trials, tribulations, pain, sorrow, loss and sadness. The good news of the gospel is that we have not been left alone to do any of this on our own because of the great Atonement of Jesus Christ, our Savior, the true gospel restored by Joseph Smith, the many revelations, keys, ordinances and blessings of the Church of Jesus Christ, a living, modern-day prophet and the power and gift of the Holy Ghost. All these things bring joy, happiness, love, life, blessings, gifts, gain and peace.

And to all this I say once again, L'Chaim! Thank God for the miracles, redemption, mighty deeds, saving acts and wonders that He wrought for our ancestors and for us today!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

The Seventh Sun

I am currently working on my other blog,  
The Seventh Sun: A Collection of the Creative,
(http://theseventhsun.blogspot.com/)
that is comprised of my lyrics, poetry, short-stories and soon, artwork.

I am basically going through all my creative work and laboriously transcribing every handwritten work onto my blog so it's easier to access and save.

I hope that you will take the time to read my work. Creative writing and art in all its forms are a large part of who I am.

Here are some poems that I haven't published on the blog yet, that I wanted to share with you:

"Morning Prayer"

sometimes living in this world
it seems like i am all alone and it is a little scary
but when i fall on my knees, plead and pray to god,
i know that christ is with me

i do not always remember
to keep hope and faith in my heart
when i forget them altogether
that is when the spirit seems to part

i bow my head so i don't go too far
then i know that he hears me
and even answers my prayers
he sends me all the comfort that i need
and releases me from my captor's snare

just a little faith and a lot of hope will suffice
to feel the great, unconditional love of jesus christ
that is why i thank god, heavenly father above
for our morning prayers together
and his many gifts of love

###

"Bread of Life; Living Waters"

in memory of his sacrifice
when jesus gave up his life
to give his body and his blood
was to give us his greatest love
though he surely, for us, had to die
the lord omnipotent did surely rise

###

"My Shepherd"

how many times must i wander
from thy flock, oh lord?
how many days must i spend lost,
wounded, alone and scared?

i cannot help but to cry
"where are you lord in my hour of need?"
i am afraid i can cry no more
lest the wolves find my weakness before thee.

my shepherd, my lord, my savior , my friend;
i pray do not leave me in the wilderness to die.
come to my aid and rescue; please save me,
i am wounded and broken where i lie.

my shepherd, my lord, my savior, my friend;
come to me, bandage my wounds and carry me home i pray.
put me on thy shoulders and show me thy mercy;
grant me thy peace, thy love and thy grace.
my shepherd, my lord;
carry me home to stay.

###

"I Have Slipped"

oh my shepherd and my savior,
wilt thou bend thy ears to my voice?

oh my lord and my friend,
wilt thou give they peace to my soul?

oh my rock and my healer,
wilt thou mend my broken heart?

oh my messiah and my redeemer,
wilt thou live to make me whole?

###

Thanks you for your support in all of my many endeavors.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

when i get knocked down, i get up again

My greatest source of anxiety in life has always been that I feel like I have to be a certain person to so many different people; to the point where I am unsure of who I really am. The blessing of being able to adapt to so many types and backgrounds of people is that I feel I can have a better sense of empathy and compassion for them; especially in times of need. This is nothing new, I was like this growing up; I always had different sets of friends; I always wore clothing to coincide with whatever group I was hanging out with, I always talked the way they did, etc. and the groups never meshed so without these groups I failed to recognize myself.

I guess my point is that, like some people, I am still trying to pin down who I am, what I am, my purpose, my identity; outside of being a child and son of God. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, so I know that my eternal identity is really all that matters, but in mortality we are here to flesh out the other wonderful parts of who we are; to be tested, learn and grow beyond our pre-mortal experience or lack of. I know if I want to truly grow and be grounded, my life here needs to be rooted in gospel living, but frankly, at this point, I have all but given up on trying to feel the spirit or communicate with God. I love feeling the spirit, I love stability, I love happiness, growth and knowledge, but after so many years of struggling with my issues of addiction, abandonment, abuse and anxiety, I have reached a point where I am simply gliding and it's no picnic; when the storms come, I get blown away or knocked down.

Nearly six years ago I chose to be excommunicated because I knew I was only doing myself more harm than good bringing condemnation upon myself as a priesthood holder and member of the Church. My resolve has been since I was diagnosed with HIV to learn more about who I am, allow myself some breathing room, make mistakes without church disciplinary action and unlock the puzzles within. The hope is that sooner than later, I will be at one with myself while allowing the Atonement to heal me in emotional, mental, physical and spiritual ways I never thought possible. Best case scenario is that I will be rebaptized and receive all the blessings of church membership, the priesthood and the temple in this lifetime. But if not, I am still a good person whom God loves and I will leave this life hopefully with a great understanding of who I am and be happy where I end up in the life to come, despite not receiving those blessings in this life. God is merciful, kind, compassionate, loving, almighty, magnificent and all-knowing. I know He has watched me struggle with my problems within my family, within the world and within myself. The world may not see how far I have come and what I have achieved despite my weaknesses, but God does and I pray that He will continue to have mercy on my soul.

I am not giving up or giving in, but rather stating the obvious, that my fight is far from being over.

I appreciate your prayers, love, support and concern as I continue to battle.

near death experience

In my last post I wrote about what was happening to me in my life; simply put, my life seems to be on a downward slope. Some things I have control over and others I do not, but I have always been quite the anxious person. As a side note, I feel some people confuse anxiety with impatience. In my opinion, there is a vast difference between the two, but they share commonalities.

Anxiety is this overwhelming emotional, mental and physical sensation that surrounds much of what I feel I cannot control. It is about everything boiling simultaneously and creating this pressure that will inevitably explode, that I seemingly have absolutely no control over. I can not breathe properly, focus my attention, think clearly or make wise decisions when anxiety strikes. I am not saying that anxiety cannot be controlled, but rather that it seems to strike at random, on its own terms and is usually the result of deep-seeded, underlying issues that have little to do with the struggle at hand.

Patience, or the lack of it, seems to be about outward, day-to-day choices; being impatient, for me, is a fleeting moment and goes away in a short amount of time. I find that my patience level is related to my level of responsibility and accountability. If I am waiting behind a disabled senior citizen who is taking forever, I can choose any number of choices that each come with their own consequence. It is not the only time this has ever happened to me and usually the real issue is that I did not plan my time out properly to include possible situations like ones that would drive me up a wall.. Usually I just get annoyed, see if I can assist them in anyway or just tune the whole situation out, but in the end, the way I react has more to do with my choices. Procrastination leads me into darkness and opens the gate to impatience, which can only be followed by a lack of self-worth and anxiety. I used to have a sign on my door that read, Procrastination is a Dirty Word; I have this to be the truth.

The following is not something I really want to talk about, but I think it is something I need to talk about to help myself and possibly someone else.

Throughout my life I have entertained thoughts of suicide or physical harm to myself, but I have never taken it so seriously to even remotely get close to doing anything of that nature. This is not to say I have not turned to alcohol, sexual promiscuity, impulse shopping or any other number of outlets to get me through the moment. I have also turned to healthier outlets that include walking, running, massage, bubble baths, playing the piano, phoning a friend or writing in my journal. Today I am writing on my blog in an effort to get through the moment.

Last week I ran out of my anti-anxiety medication and could not get a refill from my doctor for a week. My HIV medication includes side effects like nightmares, vivid dreams, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. Without my anti-anxiety medication in place, my emotional and mental state can go down the drain really fast. This last week without my medication has been a living hell for both me and my dear friend and roommate who has had to step in an protect me from myself.

On several occasions in the last week I pondered harming and/or killing myself to stop the pain of anxiety that had taken over. I do not know what actually stopped me each attempt, but I thank God I never went through with it and I thank my best friend for being there for me each time I threatened my life. At one of my lowest moments my sister answered my 2 am phone call; however; if you see me around anytime soon, you will notice I have no hair due to my final attempt to end my life later that morning. Thankfully, I got to the doctor yesterday and am back on medication to help me remain stable. I can only imagine how much pain one feels that actually goes through with a suicide; my heart and soul goes out to them because I have touched upon that moment of hopelessness and despair.

Recently, in the news, I have read and heard about the several suicides by teens and college students in response to bullying. The media and celebrities have made anti-bullying a buzz topic again, but they have failed to address the importance of mental health issues. Many of these people may have endured any range of anxiety and depression; yes, bullying is horrible and certainly adds to the problem, but let us remember to look at the whole picture.

I read this article recently addressing this topic about the way the media has addressed bullying-related suicides:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_upshot/20101013/pl_yblog_upshot/expert-says-media-dangerously-ignores-mental-illness-in-coverage-of-gay-teen-suicides

"By putting forth bullying as a "cause" of suicide and ignoring underlying mental-health issues that are present in 90 percent of people who die by suicide, the national media may be "normalizing" suicide as a rational response to bullying. For (people) already at risk, this could be a dangerous message."

On this note I am hoping to reach out to those effected by various mental health issues as I am. Suicide or physical harm to oneself or another is not a valid answer, even though in certain states of mind, it may feel that way. During this recent General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, several speakers addressed the topic of Satan's plan to make us, "miserable like unto himself."

"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself...I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit; and not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom."
2 Nephi 2:27-29 

Our great Mediator has made it possible for all of us to make choices and live according to the results of those choices. However; we can not always control our environments, other people's choices and unforeseeable events that cause problems. Still, the Lord provides several outlets to deal will our problems and unfortunately, so does Satan. We have have to do our best to choose what is right for ourselves.

When it comes to mental health issues: feelings of deep sadness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and despair, we have to find ways, whether though medication, therapy, friendship, prayer, meditation or other outlets, to deal with life. It is not easy and often there seems like there is no way out; it can be a sickening, gut-wrenching feeling. I have been there, friends have been there, members of my family have been there. I am encouraged to know that I am not alone in this life. Maybe not everyone has someone who lives with them, loves them or cares about them, but we are not alone for a reason. Once I sought relief from my problems and anguish with a stranger on the train and it made all the difference. Just telling someone else that I was hurting and was in need helped.

There are so many ways to get help and find ways to eventually overcome fears, doubts and bad days because Christ made it possible to overcome death, both spiritually and physically, which includes our mental and emotional lives. Nothing so important as our lives and mental health ever changes overnight so I know I have to find ways to take simple steps; ones I know I can take.

My hope is that anyone reading this or otherwise will never feel so alone, hopeless or in despair enough to do which can not be undone. I humbly seek to be non-judgmental of those who have gone through and acted upon these awful thoughts of suicide, how can I judge when I do not know all things. I do not know what becomes of that person, but I hope and pray that they will one day find the grace and peace of God's love and almighty hands. I reach out my hands and love to those struggling with these thoughts of loneliness, hopelessness and despair and pray that you will find ways to find peace and love through healthy outlets and people who can help in your moments of need and pain. I acknowledge that it was only through the love of God, family and friends that I am here today. I have the opportunity to still to do what I can with what I have. Please pray for those who struggle with mental health issues, face demons everyday and/or contemplate physical harm or suicide. Let us all shine a light on the darkness of hidden, underlying issues that many people deal with in their lives. Every life deserves hope including yours!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

what's happening to me?

My health seems to have turned around, not for the better.

I was undetectable and healthy for a year and now I am back to being detectable with lowered T-Cells and an ongoing thyroid problem.

This seems to be the least of my worries, though I have had to change my HIV medication from the Viramune + Truvada cocktail to Atripla. Mentally, I have not had much control over my moods, emotions and ability to focus. This is a serious issue for a graduate student. I may be losing my job at school and pretty much having to drop out of my program or slow it down to a near halt.

My heart is halfway full of sadness and loneliness; my way of life is exhausting me. I find it so hard to live consistently within any borders or lines like those of the gospel plan or norms of society. I feel tossed and turned with every strong breeze or storm that comes my way. God's promise to those who don't root themselves in their covenants to Him that supplies protection and continual support is that they may find themselves lost and alone.

Have you ever lost something but everything kept telling you in your mind that you knew where it was? I refuse to calm down and ponder where my lost item is, but instead rummage through everything trying to find it, which usually results in rage, frustration and emotional breakdown.

I swear I know where my testimony of the gospel and my Savior Jesus Christ is, but I am having a hard time finding where I left it. I swear I know where I left my solid relationships of support, love and family, but I am having a hard time finding it. I swear I know where I left my soul, my heart and my spiritual hunger and thirst, but for some reason I am having trouble finding it.

I hear people talk about prayer, scripture studying and pondering and other wonderful things, but for me, it seems like there are always a few steps that come before I resolve to do those things. It's obvious, right? Faith. Hope. Charity. Humility. Repentance. Forgiveness. I am taking a guess that these steps aren't a one time deal.

My professor, incidentally my adviser and boss, is suggesting that I drop his course because I lack focus and am way behind. He told me that it is not that the material is intellectually over my head because I am pretty smart, but that it may be the load of work I have to do that is causing me problems and anxiety. This is very similar to my relationship to the gospel and this course called mortality that I am taking. Intellectually I know the material, I understand the concepts and overall I could probably write a book about all I think I know about it, but what I lack is the ability to do the work.

I am filled with fear of failure and disappointment; the anxiety becomes a bigger monster than the work itself. The problem I face is unlike the class at school which I can drop or take over again, what am I supposed to do about this life? I can't just drop it and take it over again, can I? Nope. So, inevitably I am filled with anxiety and extreme pressure to achieve what seems nearly impossible in a fixed amount of time.

My professor said another thing about the course work: he didn't expect me to do it alone; he doesn't expect anyone to do it alone because it's tough. Likewise, I truly feel that God doesn't expect that we go through this life alone. The work is tough, so He sent His Son Jesus Christ to help out. Jesus can only do so much; you can only lead a horse to water, right? Right now I am going back and forth on whether I want that water or not, but the truth is if I don't decide soon, I could die of thirst. That would be sad and quite a waste.

I know this has come out as a ramble rant, but I needed it; I'm scared.

You have been caught Jey Walking!