how did i get here?

"Sorrowing Old Man" (At Eternity's Gate) by Vincent van Gogh

White lights
Blank faces
White rooms
Blank places

Echoes in the hallway
Hollow voices in the air
Jagged reflections
Warped emotions everywhere

Sadness turns to madness
Crying, kicking, screaming, silence, endless staring
Mourning the death that should have been
I think of God His Son not sparing

River of life cuts its way towards death
Our navigator brings us to Hades, through chutes and ladders
Fire and brimstone awaits our arrival
Gnashing of teeth is mere endless, mindless chatter

Control is a commodity
Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Behaviors
Cognitive therapy for emotions and actions
Optimistic change if we dare

the spirit of christmas

"Angels" by Mark Mabry, Reflections of Christ

Merry Christmas, to all my friends and family! 

Every year, I think about growing up with and being raised by my grandparents. The tradition was that we would wake up before 6am and gather in the hallway. At the end of the hallway our grandfather would be sitting in his huge chair, blocking both the entrance to the room full of gifts, but also the view of Santa’s Workshop, where Mrs. Claus was tending to last minute details.

Once the workshop had closed down, we burst into the room and filled with excitement and cheer ran to our own spots as close to the tree as possible. We always began opening presents one by one, in order, but eventually we grew tired of waiting and ripped through the entire room like a Christmas tornado.

We tried on most of our gifts or had to pick them out for whatever reason, but there were always a few surprises. It was Christmas 1996; the madness began to die down, but I noticed some things sitting near the workshop away from all the gifts. Without trying to sound selfish and ungrateful, I gently inquired to whom did they belong. Our grandparents laughed as they smiled and looked at each other. They forgot about them, almost entirely. Brand new bicycles for all of us! I almost passed out.

That year, our grandparents had gone above and beyond what they could really afford. It was not a special Christmas because of the gifts and the brand new bike. It was they way we all felt and how much love was in our home. For one day, the sibling rivalry was not as intense; I did not throw as many tantrums, and we each did our part to help each other and do what was asked of us. 

I will never forget these feelings I have about Christmas and growing up with my dysfunctional family. Christmas 1996; however, seemed so extra special and it was. We lost our grandfather, Santa Claus, a few months later. I think he knew it was coming and decided to make his last Christmas as wonderful for us as possible. He filled our house with gifts, both material and spiritual, in nature. To me, that bike represents his selflessness, his love for me, and how much he wanted the very best for us all.

Despite not believing in an actual Santa Claus, there really is a special spirit of Christmas. Whether you celebrate it or not, I truly believe that there is a spirit of increased joy, giving, peace, love and cheer that enters our world and hopefully our hearts during this season and day. We have the opportunity to be Santa to our friends, family, neighbors and strangers, alike. Spreading joy and giving gifts of all kinds is not limited to just one person. "Santa Claus" is able to visit each home when each of us let that special spirit enter our hearts.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, wherever you are and whomever you are with. Please remember it is not about the presents; it’s about the way you make people feel. Go out of your way to make everyone in your life feel magical, special and sincerely loved.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

"Father" by Mark Mabry, Reflections of Christ

awakening shadows

Never thought life would be reduced to this;
That I would vanish without a real good-bye.
Knowing we will always care for another;
It is not the same; this must be a lie.

We had such times together.
We made the uphill climbs together.
Surviving every kind of weather.
And now the whether or not there will be forever.

Turned upside down wondering,
What am I meant to do?
If there's a new life ahead,
Why would it not be there with you?

Never had a chance to discover.
What are we all about?
Maybe it is just that simple,
And I live in constant doubt?

You say I needed a break;
So, that is why I feel so shattered?
Virtually destroyed; ruined.
My dreams are abruptly tattered.

Asking if I think I will ever come back there,
How could I dare and why?
There has to be a reason,
That I would fly without open eyes.

For now, I will hold on,
But I will not be holding onto you.
It takes everything I have within me,
Not to throw it away for a moment or two.

Who knows what is in store?
What will this new journey bring?
Maybe I am not the only one
Who needs to spread their wings.

Soar as high as you can!
Leave the Earth behind!
Our love for one another,
Will never be lost in time.

Awakening shadows,
Dark and frightening as it may be.
Releases the pain and sorrow,
And all the fear inside of me.

Awakening shadows,
You must do the same!
Find your inner demons,
And give them your name!

Love and a brighter hope;
We carry inside us, the fire!
Through mysteries and darkness,
We will carry one another!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i bet you never knew this, but i'm bi-coastal

There may be an opportunity to move to Los Angeles/West Hollywood near the end of summer to start a job that runs through November. It's exactly the type of job I want to do, but it means leaving the great city of convenience that is New York City. The twist is that I could actually move back and forth, if I remained with the company, which is never a given. January through June in New York and July through December in California; it's really my dream come true. I just don't know if the timing is right or how it will turn out for me.

In NYC, my medical care and medicine is completely covered. Here, I rely on the subway to take me everywhere, whereas, LA's public transportation is not as extensive. Being a CA native, I know I would need a car if I wanted to get away, especially being so close to San Diego family and friends. Not having a car in CA can be a nightmare, but driving there is one, as well. Aside from these things, I have also grown with friends and places here. My cats are New Yorkers and even though it's only been four years, so am I. I have always dreamed I would live out a majority of my adulthood here. Maybe I will, but not in the way I dreamed it.

The advantages of living in LA are obvious: the climate, the weather, the lack of precipitation, the sunshine; whatever you want to call it, it's my true love. Also, I love the laid back culture of Southern California, the palm trees lining the boulevards, the beautiful beaches (the beautiful lifeguards), authentic Mexican food, fresh citrus and avocados (and guacamole), and so much more. 

New York is my mistress, but California is my wife.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell..."

I always make decisions based on instinct, my gut, my heart, and not so much with whatever intellect I may have. The mind gets easily confused, but the core of me really knows what I am looking for. 

In 1999, I knew I was supposed to move to Georgia; 

the answer just came.

In 2003, I knew I was supposed to move to Washington, D.C., 

the answer just came.

In 2004, I knew I was supposed to move back to Georgia, 

the answer just came.

In 2008, I knew I was supposed to move to New York, 

the answer just came.

Those answers came after thinking, pondering, feeling, meditating, praying, searching, talking to others, and then making a choice and waiting for validation or confirmation that the choice I made was correct. That confirmation never came before I left, but much later when I reflected on the move and my choices. Every move, every opportunity has taught me something about myself and has made it possible to serve others in a way I would not been able to elsewhere. I know I have crossed paths with people in my life only because of taking such leaps of faith, journeying into the unknown.

Will I one day reflect on moving to LA and know that it was the right choice to make?

I guess I'll never know unless I do it.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

reading is fundamental...so read this!

Hello my friends,

Here is the updated version of my book:

undetectable VISIONARY

This book is a fundraiser for AIDS Walk New York!

The book is only $19.95, plus tax and shipping.
However, $10 (100% of the profits) goes to
AIDS Walk New York!

Not only are you supporting me as a writer, 
you're supporting me as a fundraiser and activist for 
AIDS Walk New York. 

In its 27 years, AIDS Walk New York has inspired nearly 845,000 people to walk, and millions more to donate, raising more than $122 million to combat HIV and AIDS. The funds raised at the event remain a vital lifeline that sustains GMHC's prevention, care, and advocacy programs for the thousands of men, women, and families affected by the disease in the tri-state area. AIDS Walk New York is the largest single-day AIDS fundraising event in the world. 

Visit GMHC to learn more about its life-sustaining programs and services.

Please consider what your donation really means to me, the people who continue to fight against HIV/AIDS, and those who rely on GMHC's programs and services everyday. 

BUY undetectable VISIONARY today and make a difference! 

Every Life Deserves HOPE!

thoughts that keep me up until 3am

Every once in awhile the thought comes to me; I should put my life in order so I can be rebaptized. However; when I start thinking of the ways I would need to prepare for rebaptism I back away feeling it to be near impossible. The real question is, do I want it for the right reason?

I like the idea of being a fully-functional member of the church with all the blessings that come with such membership. However; does that mean I am also prepared for all the responsibilities that it entails? I feel like I only want the blessings without the sacrifice. That seems to be a common theme in my life.

I'm coming up on my seventh year of excommunication and I think given my beliefs and way of living, it would make it quite difficult to maintain my membership again. I am gay. I don't believe it is just some sort of "trial" I was given on Earth; this is who I am, among so many other things. I don't have a desire to be with a woman. Sure, the fantasy of living the cookie-cutter heterosexual life seems wonderful, but in reality it would never work.

I also have no desire to be celibate either. I crave affection like any other person and I know I would go insane if I repressed my feelings for another man and did not express myself physically. I do think it would be great to be chaste until married, now that it is legal in New York, but can I find a man willing to wait also? I can barely trust that any guy I am dating isn't dating several other guys at the same time, let alone think he's being chaste before our marriage.

So, back to rebaptism. Maybe the time is not right, maybe it is not now, maybe it is just not going to happen. I guess I have to decide if that's something I can live with; never being a member of the church again. Does that mean I am accepting a lesser degree of heaven, as well? Maybe I am alright with that, too. Sigh.

These are the thoughts that keep me up until 3am.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

someone turn on the light, please

So I am at the point in this journey where and when I have the need to stop and think about where it is I am going. It would be cliche of me, or anyone, to say that I am at a crossroads; I'm not. I am just tired or walking around, aimlessly, in circles. Like most men, I have yet to stop and ask for directions when I am clearly lost.

I looked back on some of my posts housed in this blog and all I read is me, me, me and blah, blah, blah. It's the same crap spewed out over and over again. Whoop-di-do-dah! I've got HIV! Whoop-di do-dah! I'm struggling with A through Z. It's not to say that there haven't been some moments that are precious to me, but there's a lot of it, upon looking back, that gives me a headache.

Where am I going?

I never wanted to make this a place where I would just bitch all the time about my life and everything that's wrong with it. No one wants to read it. I don't want to read it. This blog is really supposed to be inspiring, uplifting and, at the least, enjoyable to read.

I am sitting here on my bed with Porter who keeps giving me those eyes that say, "Hurry up and go to bed."  So I got to go soon.

Anyway, I look around my room and all I can see is a collection of BLAH. That is what this blog has turned into for me. I hope readers have gotten something out of this, but it's time to shift the aura, the attitude and the light of this place. It's beginning to get muggy, musky and dark.

My sincere hope is to bring the readers to a place where they can feel inspired. A place where one can read a post and smile; maybe share it with their friends and have it brighten their day. If this is already the case for you then, great, be prepared for it to get even better. For those who see what I see, the light is coming. Come to the light, Carol-Ann!

Thanks for sticking with me peeps!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

PS. Your prayers are always welcome :D