perfect imperfection

I laid on my living-room floor pondering what questions I may be asked in my upcoming interview. One question popped into my mind: 

"What makes me special, unique? What will I bring to the position, in way of diversity?"

As I came up with some obvious answers, my eyes glanced over my hands. I started inspecting them and identifying scars, lines, and all matter of details.

Then, the thought came to me: 

"When I die and am resurrected, as I was taught in the Mormon Church, my body will be perfected. What if there are parts of me I do not want perfected? If God has granted me my agency, will I be able to choose how perfect my body will become?"

Think about this; we live all our life with our imperfections, scars, idiosyncrasies, and disabilities. How will we react to all of this being taken away in a twinkling of an eye?

When a person has a leg or arm amputated, they usually have phantom pains or feelings as their brain is still trying to process the loss. How will our brain process regaining what we did not have or lost in this life, when we are resurrected?

The question of whether I will be able to choose how my body changes is not as important, but it is a curiosity that has suddenly awaken within.

I believe that in this life, one of our trials is to overcome the limits of our finite physical body. Everything from imperfections, desires, lusts, scars, disabilities, and body image. The challenge is to allow our infinite soul to take the lead, so that whatever changes may come through resurrection has no affect or effect to our spiritual journey, that is eternal.

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

You have been caught Jey Walking!

inordinate thrills

Look! Here you are.
There! Behind the tears.
Look! Beyond the darkness.
There! Center stage; hidden.
Look! Mysterious, elusive illusions.
There! Alluding to the heart.
Look! The soul; free, but easily trapped.
There! Chained to your mind.
Look! The blood of imagined wounds.
There! Gagged, bound, and screaming.
Look! The laughter of insanity.
There! The comedy of errors.
Look! The chase of inordinate thrills.
There! Flickering lights as they melt.
Look! Statues forming from puddles.
There! In the neon abyss.
Look! Shadows withering away.

how did i get here?

"Sorrowing Old Man" (At Eternity's Gate) by Vincent van Gogh

White lights
Blank faces
White rooms
Blank places

Echoes in the hallway
Hollow voices in the air
Jagged reflections
Warped emotions everywhere

Sadness turns to madness
Crying, kicking, screaming, silence, endless staring
Mourning the death that should have been
I think of God His Son not sparing

River of life cuts its way towards death
Our navigator brings us to Hades, through chutes and ladders
Fire and brimstone awaits our arrival
Gnashing of teeth is mere endless, mindless chatter

Control is a commodity
Situation, Thoughts, Feelings, Behaviors
Cognitive therapy for emotions and actions
Optimistic change if we dare

the spirit of christmas

"Angels" by Mark Mabry, Reflections of Christ

Merry Christmas, to all my friends and family! 

Every year, I think about growing up with and being raised by my grandparents. The tradition was that we would wake up before 6am and gather in the hallway. At the end of the hallway our grandfather would be sitting in his huge chair, blocking both the entrance to the room full of gifts, but also the view of Santa’s Workshop, where Mrs. Claus was tending to last minute details.

Once the workshop had closed down, we burst into the room and filled with excitement and cheer ran to our own spots as close to the tree as possible. We always began opening presents one by one, in order, but eventually we grew tired of waiting and ripped through the entire room like a Christmas tornado.

We tried on most of our gifts or had to pick them out for whatever reason, but there were always a few surprises. It was Christmas 1996; the madness began to die down, but I noticed some things sitting near the workshop away from all the gifts. Without trying to sound selfish and ungrateful, I gently inquired to whom did they belong. Our grandparents laughed as they smiled and looked at each other. They forgot about them, almost entirely. Brand new bicycles for all of us! I almost passed out.

That year, our grandparents had gone above and beyond what they could really afford. It was not a special Christmas because of the gifts and the brand new bike. It was they way we all felt and how much love was in our home. For one day, the sibling rivalry was not as intense; I did not throw as many tantrums, and we each did our part to help each other and do what was asked of us. 

I will never forget these feelings I have about Christmas and growing up with my dysfunctional family. Christmas 1996; however, seemed so extra special and it was. We lost our grandfather, Santa Claus, a few months later. I think he knew it was coming and decided to make his last Christmas as wonderful for us as possible. He filled our house with gifts, both material and spiritual, in nature. To me, that bike represents his selflessness, his love for me, and how much he wanted the very best for us all.

Despite not believing in an actual Santa Claus, there really is a special spirit of Christmas. Whether you celebrate it or not, I truly believe that there is a spirit of increased joy, giving, peace, love and cheer that enters our world and hopefully our hearts during this season and day. We have the opportunity to be Santa to our friends, family, neighbors and strangers, alike. Spreading joy and giving gifts of all kinds is not limited to just one person. "Santa Claus" is able to visit each home when each of us let that special spirit enter our hearts.

I wish you a Merry Christmas, wherever you are and whomever you are with. Please remember it is not about the presents; it’s about the way you make people feel. Go out of your way to make everyone in your life feel magical, special and sincerely loved.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

"Father" by Mark Mabry, Reflections of Christ

awakening shadows

Never thought life would be reduced to this;
That I would vanish without a real good-bye.
Knowing we will always care for another;
It is not the same; this must be a lie.

We had such times together.
We made the uphill climbs together.
Surviving every kind of weather.
And now the whether or not there will be forever.

Turned upside down wondering,
What am I meant to do?
If there's a new life ahead,
Why would it not be there with you?

Never had a chance to discover.
What are we all about?
Maybe it is just that simple,
And I live in constant doubt?

You say I needed a break;
So, that is why I feel so shattered?
Virtually destroyed; ruined.
My dreams are abruptly tattered.

Asking if I think I will ever come back there,
How could I dare and why?
There has to be a reason,
That I would fly without open eyes.

For now, I will hold on,
But I will not be holding onto you.
It takes everything I have within me,
Not to throw it away for a moment or two.

Who knows what is in store?
What will this new journey bring?
Maybe I am not the only one
Who needs to spread their wings.

Soar as high as you can!
Leave the Earth behind!
Our love for one another,
Will never be lost in time.

Awakening shadows,
Dark and frightening as it may be.
Releases the pain and sorrow,
And all the fear inside of me.

Awakening shadows,
You must do the same!
Find your inner demons,
And give them your name!

Love and a brighter hope;
We carry inside us, the fire!
Through mysteries and darkness,
We will carry one another!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i bet you never knew this, but i'm bi-coastal

There may be an opportunity to move to Los Angeles/West Hollywood near the end of summer to start a job that runs through November. It's exactly the type of job I want to do, but it means leaving the great city of convenience that is New York City. The twist is that I could actually move back and forth, if I remained with the company, which is never a given. January through June in New York and July through December in California; it's really my dream come true. I just don't know if the timing is right or how it will turn out for me.

In NYC, my medical care and medicine is completely covered. Here, I rely on the subway to take me everywhere, whereas, LA's public transportation is not as extensive. Being a CA native, I know I would need a car if I wanted to get away, especially being so close to San Diego family and friends. Not having a car in CA can be a nightmare, but driving there is one, as well. Aside from these things, I have also grown with friends and places here. My cats are New Yorkers and even though it's only been four years, so am I. I have always dreamed I would live out a majority of my adulthood here. Maybe I will, but not in the way I dreamed it.

The advantages of living in LA are obvious: the climate, the weather, the lack of precipitation, the sunshine; whatever you want to call it, it's my true love. Also, I love the laid back culture of Southern California, the palm trees lining the boulevards, the beautiful beaches (the beautiful lifeguards), authentic Mexican food, fresh citrus and avocados (and guacamole), and so much more. 

New York is my mistress, but California is my wife.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell..."

I always make decisions based on instinct, my gut, my heart, and not so much with whatever intellect I may have. The mind gets easily confused, but the core of me really knows what I am looking for. 

In 1999, I knew I was supposed to move to Georgia; 

the answer just came.

In 2003, I knew I was supposed to move to Washington, D.C., 

the answer just came.

In 2004, I knew I was supposed to move back to Georgia, 

the answer just came.

In 2008, I knew I was supposed to move to New York, 

the answer just came.

Those answers came after thinking, pondering, feeling, meditating, praying, searching, talking to others, and then making a choice and waiting for validation or confirmation that the choice I made was correct. That confirmation never came before I left, but much later when I reflected on the move and my choices. Every move, every opportunity has taught me something about myself and has made it possible to serve others in a way I would not been able to elsewhere. I know I have crossed paths with people in my life only because of taking such leaps of faith, journeying into the unknown.

Will I one day reflect on moving to LA and know that it was the right choice to make?

I guess I'll never know unless I do it.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

reading is fundamental...so read this!

Hello my friends,

Here is the updated version of my book:

undetectable VISIONARY

This book is a fundraiser for AIDS Walk New York!

The book is only $19.95, plus tax and shipping.
However, $10 (100% of the profits) goes to
AIDS Walk New York!

Not only are you supporting me as a writer, 
you're supporting me as a fundraiser and activist for 
AIDS Walk New York. 

In its 27 years, AIDS Walk New York has inspired nearly 845,000 people to walk, and millions more to donate, raising more than $122 million to combat HIV and AIDS. The funds raised at the event remain a vital lifeline that sustains GMHC's prevention, care, and advocacy programs for the thousands of men, women, and families affected by the disease in the tri-state area. AIDS Walk New York is the largest single-day AIDS fundraising event in the world. 

Visit GMHC to learn more about its life-sustaining programs and services.

Please consider what your donation really means to me, the people who continue to fight against HIV/AIDS, and those who rely on GMHC's programs and services everyday. 

BUY undetectable VISIONARY today and make a difference! 

Every Life Deserves HOPE!