wishing you were somehow queer again

the pageant, the philosopher, the dream and the cat

July started with a bang and ended on a great note - what a wonderful thing. Aside from my birthday and my awesome spiritual experience, the month was filled with some interesting events.

July 16-18, I went up with a friend to Rochester, NY to go to Palmyra, the Joseph Smith Home/Farm, the Sacred Grove and the Hill Cumorah Pageant. I have never done any of these things before. We got into Rochester late Friday night and within a few minutes realized that something was going on in town because it was packed...turns out by sheer coincidence that it was Rochester Gay Pride Weekend. What an odd contrast to my weekend's focus and plan. Inevitably, I decided to enjoy the local festivities and support my gays in Rochester. It was fun, but somewhat worthless.

I felt weird going to Palmyra afterward, but we did anyway. I remember spotting the first protester's sign when we arrived to the Book of Mormon printing press. I had never really seen any in person protest of the Church. Unfortunately, it seems being anti-Mormon defines some people and it's all they do with their time and energy. However; as we moved on to the Smith home/farm where there were no protesters I began to feel a bit better, though the vans and busloads of tourists didn't help my anxiety - that's what happens during pageant time. Frankly, I couldn't feel the spirit until I entered the Sacred Grove - everything else was just not that touching to me in person.

I can remember vividly my journey into the Sacred Grove; each step into the forest dimmed the noise of passing cars, crying babies and conversations. I enjoyed what seemed like a few hours in this very special and sacred place. I can't imagine anyone coming here and not feeling something beautiful or magical. There is a presence there that is warm, loving, gentle and soothing to the heart and soul. I know that Joseph Smith entered this place and prayed for an answer and he did indeed see God, Our Heavenly Father and our Savior and Brother Jesus Christ. Joseph Smith received an answer that led to the Restoration of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, wherein the real authority to act in Christ's name upon the Earth lies in His chosen servants and ordained prophets. I could not and will not deny the testimony I have of that truth. It was very difficult to leave that place, but hopefully what I felt there will remain carried in my heart.

Afterward, we headed to the Hill Cumorah and again we were met with the hissing sounds of anti-Mormon sentiments. I have never heard some the things people were saying and neither did I choose to ponder questions they were posing; their ideologies and message are founded in hate, fear and lies and one can feel the darkness they are trying spread. However; as you walk towards the hill, beautiful music pours out of the speakers and within seconds you no longer hear the vipers hissing from afar. Instead, you are met with genuine smiles, a feeling of love and a true sense of arriving home; what a stark and beautiful contrast. The cast members were so lovely and welcoming - the people in attendance were so polite and kind. It almost felt like what I imagine gathering together for the Second Coming of Christ would be like. I stared into a sea of strange, but familiar faces; I saw people embracing - long lost friends, family members, missionary companions - it was just a wonderful feeling and a sight to behold. The show was awesome and I am so glad I experienced it. It re-lit my fire and passion for The Book of Mormon and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know the Atonement is real because of my previous scripture study and prayers. The voices I hear when I read the scriptures cry to me that it's true; it's real - the spirit testifies that I am not imagining it or that it is all a made-up concoction or dream of a man, but that it is the voice of God and Jesus Christ through their chosen prophets. It turned out to be one amazing weekend, even if I did, at first, veer off the path.

It's hard to top that, but on July 25th, I got to play a piano medley - pioneer tribute for sacrament meeting. The arrangement is named, "Leaving Nauvoo" and includes hymns/songs, Praise To The Man, Come, Come Ye Saints, Consider The Lilies and Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. It went very well and I felt it was a proper tribute to our pioneer heritage. The story unfolds right after the Prophet Joseph Smith is murdered and the Saints must leave Nauvoo. The beginning starts off as a funeral procession or requiem type mood. It moves on to a dramatic and somber march. As the Saints travel, experience hardships and are tested on every level they remember to, "consider the lilies of the field, how they grow, they toil not." (D&C 84:82-84) Knowing that God is with them and that His angels shall buoy them up through the storms, they press on. As they arrive to the Utah Valley they feel justified and seek to have their God forever engraved upon their hearts, thus, Come, Thou Fount of Ev'ry Blessing. Sorry to those who weren't there to experience this in person, but maybe the back-story alone helps.

Later in the week I came across an old Jewish businessman who was quite the self-proclaimed philosopher of sorts. I was there to pick up envelopes from his store, but instead received quite an earful of his ideas and philosophies. I don't think these things happen just because; in fact I think the message he gave to me is pretty powerful and intentional. He asked me if I had woken up yet. Obviously, he did not mean it in a physical sense, but rather in a spiritual/metaphysical/philosophical sense. I told him I wasn't sure to which he replied, "Then you haven't woken up." He went on and on and on about my lazy generation and the conspiracy regarding America's knowledge of the Holocaust and how the President knew everything but did nothing. I was like a deer in headlights, but this interactions left me thinking, have I woken up? I think this was a message or a hint from God and I appreciate it. I think it's time to, "Awake, my [son]; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust." (2 Nephi 1:23)

So, it's funny that after this encounter I went later that week to go see Inception, a movie about dreams, waking up and reality. I absolutely love this movie because it makes me think and dig deep into my thoughts and dreams. I went to see it for the second time last night with my friends...or was it just a dream? Afterward, my friend said to me that there is a Buddhist belief that says this life is meant for us to master our dreams because our dreams are connected to our souls. When we die and lose our current bodies, we must be able to control our soul through our dreams. If we are lost in our dreams, our soul will be lost, but if we are focused in our dreams and have complete control, we can control our soul and will not be lost. This struck me as being quite profound. Is this not truth? We are told in the scriptures to be careful with our thoughts and to master our minds and bodies. "But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not." (Mosiah 4:30)"...let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God." (D&C 121:45) Anyway, I love thinking upon such matters of the soul.

And now for the mane event...kidding. After church last week I visited PetCo because they have their pet adoptions there on Sundays and I like to look at the animals and pet them; this is actually quite dangerous because it's hard to walk away without wanting to take some of them with you. Well, this proved to be the case as now I have adopted a three year old gray and white tuxedo cat who I named Porter after Cole Porter the American composer and musician. Porter is so sweet and really is a blessing to my life. He loves to lay on my piano which is so fitting for his name. He is a real chill cat that just loves to be pet, massaged, brushed, held and fed. I haven't had a cat since 1999 or a pet since 2008, so this is real exciting for me.

Ok, well that's the update. Hope you enjoyed the stories. See you next time.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

medical update...been awhile

After one year of being undetectable, I am no longer undetectable. I am at 78 viral load which is still pretty good but my T-cells have dropped down to 500. I am also having a thyroid problem which is not helping. At any rate, I feel great and my doctor says this is probably a normal fluctuation, so please no worries...prayers yes, worries no. Love ya all! Jey

let freedom ring!

This has maybe been the craziest birthday ever in my life; I just turned 31! As always I looked for a way to make it a blast for me and a few friends. This year I decided to debut my alter ego, Savannah Gorgeous. I thought by doing something outrageously crazy, I would have an awesome birthday. I did have a blast, as did my friends in attendance, but it wasn't everything I was looking for; there was something missing.

The next night on my actual birthday, a friend and I had an delicious dinner at Emporium Brazil and then went to see "La Cage Aux Folles" on Broadway. If you don't know, this play/musical was what the American movie, The Birdcage, was based on. The show was extremely awesome. I was in tears when I heard, "I Am What I Am" and "The Best of Times is Now" live for the first time. I got to meet the cast afterward and get autographs, including an autograph and photograph with the infamous Kelsey Grammar. I thought that this would be the best part of my birthday; it was exciting but there was still something missing.

We went to down to Billy's Bakery in Chelsea for dessert after the show and to my surprise was given a huge chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting for free. I still have some left, so if you want some, let me know. I took the cake to a bar and shared it with some new friends over some drinks. Later, we went dancing until nearly 5am. I had an amazing time, but there was something missing and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

The next day was a lazy Saturday of sleeping in and some light cleaning. It wasn't until later that night when I went to my room to relax and sat by my piano and played a few hymns. A feeling of 'ahhhhhh' came over me; it was so nice to play the piano and hear the beautiful hymns being played. The last hymn I played before retiring to bed was, "Rise Up, O Men of God." Something touched my heart when I read the words and sang them to myself, along with my piano.

"Rise up, O men of God!
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart and soul and mind and strength
To serve the King of Kings.

Rise up, O men of God,
In one united throng.
Bring in the day of brotherhood
And end the night of wrong.

Rise up, O men of God!
Tread where his feet have trod.
As brothers of the Son of Man,
Rise up, O men of God!"

Hymn #324

I slept that night with a feeling a peace that had come over me. When I awoke on the beautiful Fourth of July sabbath morning, I was excited to put on my red, white and blue outfit and sing patriotic hymns as loudly as I could at church. I was even on time to our nine o'clock meeting time. I was giddy when I walked in and heard "The Star-Spangled Banner" being played as prelude. I picked up the program and to my dismay we were not planning to sing any patriotic hymns. I was shocked, but I stayed calm; most likely the person in charge forgot it was the Fourth of July and the Bishopric would make the changes needed. Nope.

We started our meeting singing "I Believe in Christ;" I have to admit that the hymn always gets to me and touches me spiritually. We went right into the sacrament by singing, "While of These Emblems We Partake." By this point in the meeting I could barely sing the words, especially the fourth verse.

"But rise triumphant from the tomb,
And in eternal splendor bloom,
Freed from the pow'r of death and pain,
With Christ, the Lord, to rule and reign."

Hymn #174

As always, I just looked on as others take the sacrament and for some reason I took a huge gulp as it passed by. I had this feeling like I was thirsty and hungry and it wasn't because I was fasting; it was a spiritual feeling that came over me. I tried to ignore it and let it go but it remained.

The bishop's counselor (who was incidentally alone on the stand) began the testimony meeting. His 15 month old son had been recently diagnosed with diabetes and it has troubled their family. It was heartbreaking to see a father break down in tears talking about the love he has for his son. He testified of this life only being temporary and that we will rise again without diseases or ailments because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Though there was only a few in attendance, many others went up and testified; not of our country or anything patriotic, which I assumed would be the case, but of something more grand and glorious; the Atonement and the love of God.

What happened at the end of the meeting is what has left me in quite a state of shock. After five long years of excommunication that has been devoid of bearing testimonies over the pulpit, the spirit told me to stand up and testify and I did.

It was one of those moments where I can't remember quite what I said. I admitted that I had been excommunicated and was living with HIV. I talked about how I felt like a castaway on 'LOST' that was wondering around, unaware of my true state of being. I talked about the thing which was missing in my life: FREEDOM. It was my perfect spiritual independence day, to which I exclaimed, let freedom ring!

The moment that overcame me the most is when I said that I could either live life like I was dying or live life like I was living. I could see myself as dead in the grave or I can see myself resurrected with my Father in Heaven. I have to say after a lot of searching, I believe I found what I am looking for; it lies within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The gospel of Jesus Christ saves people like me and everyone everywhere from spiritual prison and death. It gives me freedom and that's what I am looking for. My hope now is that I will have the courage to follow Him into the waters of re-baptism, keep His commandments and do His will; serving Him and not my selfish desires.

The meeting ended in a somber way as we sang "I Know My Father Lives." The spirit of the hymn and the quiet expression of faith and devotion could be felt all around the chapel. It was one of those times I am glad to say I was there. It wasn't a wild drag show, a lovely dinner, a riotous Broadway production, free cakes, drinking and dancing all night long. It wasn't a meeting filled with patriotic pomp and circumstance, it was an hour or so of meditation, peace, faith and the pure love of Christ; a moment of spiritual freedom I desperately needed.

I want to express my gratitude for my friends and family who have always treated me with respect and love. Those who have never stopped thinking of me and praying for me. I am so grateful for the plan of peace and happiness that allows me to be free and to feel the love of God in my life continually.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28, 35-39

I love you my friends!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9xBV1_iTcg

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE FREE
Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

There is a wall that has been standing since the day that Adam fell
Sin is where it started and sin is why it held
Speakin’ as a prisoner who was there and lived to tell
I remember how it fell

I can hear the sound of freedom like a distant voice who called
And beckon me to follow where I had never gone
And though my heart is willin’, I just stood there at the wall
Prayin’ somehow it would fall

But in a cross I found a doorway and a hand that held a key
And when the chains fell at my feet, for the first time I could see

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

There are days when I’m reminded of the prison I was in
Like a livin’ nightmare burning deep within
I can feel the voice of evil, I can hear the call of sin
But I won’t go back again

See, once I’ve tasted freedom then the chains could bind no more
Since mercy gave me wings to fly like an eagle I can soar

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

Somewhere there’s a prison where the chains still burn
If not for the grace of God those walls could still be mine
So far all the captives are saved

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah
This is how it feels to be free

jey walking

So many random thoughts converge at once in my mind and somehow I have to separate them and interpret their meaning.

I was looking at a few take-out menus for lunch ideas which led me to playing with the magnet that holds them up on my board. After awhile I put the magnet back up and my eye caught the attention of a quote I placed on my board back in January.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

I started writing a post this morning about the topic of underpromising and overdelivering, but deleted it. After seeing this quote hours later, I realize what my topic for today really is...where is Jey walking to?

This blog is supposed to be about my life, adventures, enlightenment, inspiration, memories and most of all, my path or journey though this life. That's why I chose the name Jey Walking. Jaywalking (Jeywalking) is first, an offense in which a person illegally (or legally) crosses the road. And secondly, it represents me; Jey, walking or traveling through life, learning lessons and sharing them with you. It may be true that, in this life, I have illegally crossed the road while on this journey.

I've reached a point in my life where I no longer no where I am going. I thought I always knew. From an early age, I could tell you my plans for the future, whether it was to be the President of the United States, a judge, an artist/designer, a veterinarian or Broadway headliner/superstar. I went to school to study Advertising and thought that would be what I would do with my life. Then I graduated and went straight into graduate school for a degree almost unrelated to the first, Nonprofit Management. Now I am approaching graduation next May and I am wondering where I will go next.

I can admit freely that I am lost. I don't know whether to retrace my steps, hug a tree or start a fire that spells HELP or SOS.

Everyday I wake up and wonder what I will not accomplish, even though I have good intentions to complete necessary tasks and assignments. This is also indicated by my bedroom that never ceases to be messy, even after I clean it. I've always felt that the cleanliness or organization of one's living situation reflects the cleanliness or organization of one's mind. If my room is a mess, maybe I am, too.

So the whole point of this ramble is that I don't want to be like this anymore, but everytime I try to get out the mess, it seems to creep back in. How can I trust that it won't occur everytime I try to make my life work?

The answer is the quote above.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that I am a very determined person who gets caught up or distracted by other things I become determined about. She told me that I am so powerful and determined that if I were to just focus on the one thing it would happen because that's how determined a person I am.

I thought about what she had said and pondered about my life and the choices I make. The mess in my life comes from not staying focused on one singular goal or idea or task, but several at the same time. That causes more mess.

I think, I will need to make a list of all my interests, goals, dreams or ideas and prioritize them. For instance, getting my degree is more important right now than thinking about where I am going to live after I graduate. There are plenty of other examples that are a little more private to me. I laugh to myself when I say that because what is private anymore these days? See, I was just about to go off topic, but I stopped myself.

I want Jey to know where he is walking towards. Right now it's like I am walking backwards because I worry so much about what will or might happen next or down the road, rather than what is happening now, in the present.

Faith is taking a step into the unknown, but it doesn't mean one can't have a plan. The problem is people like me think we can control the way things work and happen and our plans are based on that presumed fact. Plans should be based on our needs and good desires and include what God would have us do. After all, who is the Master that knows all, oversees everything and does so with order and wisdom? Yes, He is.

I know that for my life to truly become less messy and more clean I must seek guidance from God and become more like Him, the god of order, truth and light. It will require faith in every foot step along the remainder of this journey here and beyond.

My hope is that Jey will be Walking in the right direction soon. Your prayers are welcomed here.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

jesus, savior

I decided after watching Greyson Michael Chance show his skills on YouTube that I should start sharing mine as well.

Here is my first home video performance. It's not my best, but it's a start. The medley is titled Jesus, Savior and includes four hymns:

Jesus, Once of Humble Birth
In Humility Our Savior
There is a Green Hill Far Away
O Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown

I hope you like it - there's hopefully more to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyM908DbxPs

You have been caught Jey Walking!

my soul's sincere desire

Let me begin by saying I have been avoiding this post; it will be difficult to write this without expressing a few tears; both of sadness and joy.

About three months ago I asked my roommate what his favorite hymn was. I like to arrange medleys for the piano and I needed a fresh idea; after all there are only so many hymns. After a long moment of thought, he told me his favorite hymn was Secret Prayer; it's on my top 100. Quickly I ran through the hymnbook and thought of songs that would capture the essence of the power of prayer and communal with God, our Father. I had know idea what I was about to get myself into.

I am a storyteller; so I like to study lyrics and really feel the power of the melody of the song I am playing. Then I rip it apart and try to make it more emotional and dramatic to remove the "hymn" sound and add what I call the movie soundtrack moment. When I play the piano, no one sings, so I need to pull in the emotion of the words into the music itself. The process that I use is a gift from God because I don't read music, I just hear emotions and melody combined and play it on the piano. It's hardy ever perfect; but then it can't be, that's not the purpose, it's supposed to be raw and unrefined.

Anyway, so the story with Secret Prayer is about someone who may not be the most faithful person, but is struggling constantly to keep God on his/her mind. Each day this person finds a moment to ponder life and his/her relationships to God, family, friends and neighbors. Even though the song says that this person kneels in secret prayer, the truth is that the person rarely finds or takes a moment to do so, but takes the time to reflect, ponder and prayer in his/her mind, heart and soul; little prayers of hope, encouragement, safety, comfort, joy and peace.

I found a way to play Secret Prayer with a little bit more intensity that would draw out the moments that this person is reflecting or pondering and how powerful that is for them in that moment. After I found a suitable version, I added the hymn O My Father to symbolize the actual words the person is thinking or praying to themselves. I have always loved the last verse I suppose because I often utter them in my prayers.

"When I leave this frail existence, when I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you, in your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I've completed all you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation, let me come and dwell with you."

When they are finished with their thoughts, they still feel fear and doubt about any possible resolution to their pain and grief or troubles and so next, I added Where Can I Turn For Peace. The entire hymn really captures both the pain the person is feeling with the fear and doubt on their shoulders and the realization that God will see them through.

"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end."

At the end of this hymn the person realize that they are in God's hand and He will guide and comfort then through this journey of life. They don't want the spirit to leave and certainly the feeling of grace and peace, so I added a medley of Abide with Me and Abide with Me 'Tis Eventide as the end of the entire medley. My favorite verse of Abide With Me really illustrates the pleading with the spirit and the Lord to stay nearby.

"I need thy presence ev'ry passing hour.
What but thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!"

I practiced and practiced to make it all sound sincere, dramatic, thought-provoking and raw. I found myself playing the medley whenever I came home from school or work. Everytime I played the medley I would break down and cry. Sometimes it was from an overwhelming feeling of comfort and peace from the spirit and other times it was from deep sorrow and sadness. This medley has become my personal song.

One Sunday afternoon I came home after church and started playing this medley, suddenly my eyes glanced at the other page of the simplified accompaniments hymnbook and saw a verse of another hymn that struck me deep within my heart. I was caught up with emotion and cried my eyes out.

"Prayer is the contrite sinner's voice, returning from his ways,
While angels in their songs rejoice, and cry, "Behold he prays!"

I looked at other verses:

"Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, uttered or unexpressed,
The motion of hidden fire, that trembles in the breast."

"Prayer is the burden of a sigh, the falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye, when none but God is near."

These verses encapsulate the story I was trying to tell with my medley of hymns. Prayer isn't always about getting on one's knees and bowing our heads. Some of my longest prayers on my knees have been selfish and unnecessary; however, some of my most powerful prayers have been simple thoughts, a verse of a hymn, a scripture, a moment of pondering, among others. We are judged more by what is in our hearts, than by what is uttered from our lips.

Today I sat down to play some music while a storm outside raged on. I started to play part of my medley and it struck me again. This time it was a reminder to write this experience down.

There is a power in music, lyrics, feelings, reflections and ponderings. Never underestimate the power of an unuttered prayer; let your heart pray more than your lips. My soul's sincere desire is to love God and express that love through music and to others around me through service, love and friendship.

"When sailing on life's stormy sea, 'mid billows of despair,
'Tis solace to my soul to know God hears my secret prayer.

When thorns are strewn along my path, and foes my feet ensnare,
My Savior to my aid will come, if sought in secret prayer.

May my heart be turned to pray, pray in secret day by day,
That this boon to mortals giv'n, may unite my soul to heav'n."

You have been caught Jey Walking!