I am currently working on my other blog, The Seventh Sun: A Collection of the Creative,
(http://theseventhsun.blogspot.com/)
that is comprised of my lyrics, poetry, short-stories and soon, artwork.
I am basically going through all my creative work and laboriously transcribing every handwritten work onto my blog so it's easier to access and save.
I hope that you will take the time to read my work. Creative writing and art in all its forms are a large part of who I am.
Here are some poems that I haven't published on the blog yet, that I wanted to share with you:
"Morning Prayer"
sometimes living in this world
it seems like i am all alone and it is a little scary
but when i fall on my knees, plead and pray to god,
i know that christ is with me
i do not always remember
to keep hope and faith in my heart
when i forget them altogether
that is when the spirit seems to part
i bow my head so i don't go too far
then i know that he hears me
and even answers my prayers
he sends me all the comfort that i need
and releases me from my captor's snare
just a little faith and a lot of hope will suffice
to feel the great, unconditional love of jesus christ
that is why i thank god, heavenly father above
for our morning prayers together
and his many gifts of love
###
"Bread of Life; Living Waters"
in memory of his sacrifice
when jesus gave up his life
to give his body and his blood
was to give us his greatest love
though he surely, for us, had to die
the lord omnipotent did surely rise
###
"My Shepherd"
how many times must i wander
from thy flock, oh lord?
how many days must i spend lost,
wounded, alone and scared?
i cannot help but to cry
"where are you lord in my hour of need?"
i am afraid i can cry no more
lest the wolves find my weakness before thee.
my shepherd, my lord, my savior , my friend;
i pray do not leave me in the wilderness to die.
come to my aid and rescue; please save me,
i am wounded and broken where i lie.
my shepherd, my lord, my savior, my friend;
come to me, bandage my wounds and carry me home i pray.
put me on thy shoulders and show me thy mercy;
grant me thy peace, thy love and thy grace.
my shepherd, my lord;
carry me home to stay.
###
"I Have Slipped"
oh my shepherd and my savior,
wilt thou bend thy ears to my voice?
oh my lord and my friend,
wilt thou give they peace to my soul?
oh my rock and my healer,
wilt thou mend my broken heart?
oh my messiah and my redeemer,
wilt thou live to make me whole?
###
Thanks you for your support in all of my many endeavors.
My greatest source of anxiety in life has always been that I feel like I have to be a certain person to so many different people; to the point where I am unsure of who I really am. The blessing of being able to adapt to so many types and backgrounds of people is that I feel I can have a better sense of empathy and compassion for them; especially in times of need. This is nothing new, I was like this growing up; I always had different sets of friends; I always wore clothing to coincide with whatever group I was hanging out with, I always talked the way they did, etc. and the groups never meshed so without these groups I failed to recognize myself.
I guess my point is that, like some people, I am still trying to pin down who I am, what I am, my purpose, my identity; outside of being a child and son of God. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, so I know that my eternal identity is really all that matters, but in mortality we are here to flesh out the other wonderful parts of who we are; to be tested, learn and grow beyond our pre-mortal experience or lack of. I know if I want to truly grow and be grounded, my life here needs to be rooted in gospel living, but frankly, at this point, I have all but given up on trying to feel the spirit or communicate with God. I love feeling the spirit, I love stability, I love happiness, growth and knowledge, but after so many years of struggling with my issues of addiction, abandonment, abuse and anxiety, I have reached a point where I am simply gliding and it's no picnic; when the storms come, I get blown away or knocked down.
Nearly six years ago I chose to be excommunicated because I knew I was only doing myself more harm than good bringing condemnation upon myself as a priesthood holder and member of the Church. My resolve has been since I was diagnosed with HIV to learn more about who I am, allow myself some breathing room, make mistakes without church disciplinary action and unlock the puzzles within. The hope is that sooner than later, I will be at one with myself while allowing the Atonement to heal me in emotional, mental, physical and spiritual ways I never thought possible. Best case scenario is that I will be rebaptized and receive all the blessings of church membership, the priesthood and the temple in this lifetime. But if not, I am still a good person whom God loves and I will leave this life hopefully with a great understanding of who I am and be happy where I end up in the life to come, despite not receiving those blessings in this life. God is merciful, kind, compassionate, loving, almighty, magnificent and all-knowing. I know He has watched me struggle with my problems within my family, within the world and within myself. The world may not see how far I have come and what I have achieved despite my weaknesses, but God does and I pray that He will continue to have mercy on my soul.
I am not giving up or giving in, but rather stating the obvious, that my fight is far from being over.
I appreciate your prayers, love, support and concern as I continue to battle.
In my last post I wrote about what was happening to me in my life; simply put, my life seems to be on a downward slope. Some things I have control over and others I do not, but I have always been quite the anxious person. As a side note, I feel some people confuse anxiety with impatience. In my opinion, there is a vast difference between the two, but they share commonalities.
Anxiety is this overwhelming emotional, mental and physical sensation that surrounds much of what I feel I cannot control. It is about everything boiling simultaneously and creating this pressure that will inevitably explode, that I seemingly have absolutely no control over. I can not breathe properly, focus my attention, think clearly or make wise decisions when anxiety strikes. I am not saying that anxiety cannot be controlled, but rather that it seems to strike at random, on its own terms and is usually the result of deep-seeded, underlying issues that have little to do with the struggle at hand.
Patience, or the lack of it, seems to be about outward, day-to-day choices; being impatient, for me, is a fleeting moment and goes away in a short amount of time. I find that my patience level is related to my level of responsibility and accountability. If I am waiting behind a disabled senior citizen who is taking forever, I can choose any number of choices that each come with their own consequence. It is not the only time this has ever happened to me and usually the real issue is that I did not plan my time out properly to include possible situations like ones that would drive me up a wall.. Usually I just get annoyed, see if I can assist them in anyway or just tune the whole situation out, but in the end, the way I react has more to do with my choices. Procrastination leads me into darkness and opens the gate to impatience, which can only be followed by a lack of self-worth and anxiety. I used to have a sign on my door that read, Procrastination is a Dirty Word; I have this to be the truth.
The following is not something I really want to talk about, but I think it is something I need to talk about to help myself and possibly someone else.
Throughout my life I have entertained thoughts of suicide or physical harm to myself, but I have never taken it so seriously to even remotely get close to doing anything of that nature. This is not to say I have not turned to alcohol, sexual promiscuity, impulse shopping or any other number of outlets to get me through the moment. I have also turned to healthier outlets that include walking, running, massage, bubble baths, playing the piano, phoning a friend or writing in my journal. Today I am writing on my blog in an effort to get through the moment.
Last week I ran out of my anti-anxiety medication and could not get a refill from my doctor for a week. My HIV medication includes side effects like nightmares, vivid dreams, hallucinations and suicidal thoughts. Without my anti-anxiety medication in place, my emotional and mental state can go down the drain really fast. This last week without my medication has been a living hell for both me and my dear friend and roommate who has had to step in an protect me from myself.
On several occasions in the last week I pondered harming and/or killing myself to stop the pain of anxiety that had taken over. I do not know what actually stopped me each attempt, but I thank God I never went through with it and I thank my best friend for being there for me each time I threatened my life. At one of my lowest moments my sister answered my 2 am phone call; however; if you see me around anytime soon, you will notice I have no hair due to my final attempt to end my life later that morning. Thankfully, I got to the doctor yesterday and am back on medication to help me remain stable. I can only imagine how much pain one feels that actually goes through with a suicide; my heart and soul goes out to them because I have touched upon that moment of hopelessness and despair.
Recently, in the news, I have read and heard about the several suicides by teens and college students in response to bullying. The media and celebrities have made anti-bullying a buzz topic again, but they have failed to address the importance of mental health issues. Many of these people may have endured any range of anxiety and depression; yes, bullying is horrible and certainly adds to the problem, but let us remember to look at the whole picture.
I read this article recently addressing this topic about the way the media has addressed bullying-related suicides:
"By putting forth bullying as a "cause" of suicide and ignoring underlying mental-health issuesthat are present in 90 percent of people who die by suicide, the national media may be "normalizing" suicide as a rational response to bullying. For (people) already at risk, this could be a dangerous message."
On this note I am hoping to reach out to those effected by various mental health issues as I am. Suicide or physical harm to oneself or another is not a valid answer, even though in certain states of mind, it may feel that way. During this recent General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, several speakers addressed the topic of Satan's plan to make us, "miserable like unto himself."
"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil;for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself...I would that ye should look to the great Mediator, and hearken unto his great commandments; and be faithful unto his words, and choose eternal life, according to the will of his Holy Spirit; and not choose eternal death, according to the will of the flesh and the evil which is therein, which giveth the spirit of the devil power to captivate, to bring you down to hell, that he may reign over you in his own kingdom." 2 Nephi 2:27-29
Our great Mediator has made it possible for all of us to make choices and live according to the results of those choices. However; we can not always control our environments, other people's choices and unforeseeable events that cause problems. Still, the Lord provides several outlets to deal will our problems and unfortunately, so does Satan. We have have to do our best to choose what is right for ourselves.
When it comes to mental health issues: feelings of deep sadness, depression, anxiety, hopelessness and despair, we have to find ways, whether though medication, therapy, friendship, prayer, meditation or other outlets, to deal with life. It is not easy and often there seems like there is no way out; it can be a sickening, gut-wrenching feeling. I have been there, friends have been there, members of my family have been there. I am encouraged to know that I am not alone in this life. Maybe not everyone has someone who lives with them, loves them or cares about them, but we are not alone for a reason. Once I sought relief from my problems and anguish with a stranger on the train and it made all the difference. Just telling someone else that I was hurting and was in need helped.
There are so many ways to get help and find ways to eventually overcome fears, doubts and bad days because Christ made it possible to overcome death, both spiritually and physically, which includes our mental and emotional lives. Nothing so important as our lives and mental health ever changes overnight so I know I have to find ways to take simple steps; ones I know I can take.
My hope is that anyone reading this or otherwise will never feel so alone, hopeless or in despair enough to do which can not be undone. I humbly seek to be non-judgmental of those who have gone through and acted upon these awful thoughts of suicide, how can I judge when I do not know all things. I do not know what becomes of that person, but I hope and pray that they will one day find the grace and peace of God's love and almighty hands. I reach out my hands and love to those struggling with these thoughts of loneliness, hopelessness and despair and pray that you will find ways to find peace and love through healthy outlets and people who can help in your moments of need and pain. I acknowledge that it was only through the love of God, family and friends that I am here today. I have the opportunity to still to do what I can with what I have. Please pray for those who struggle with mental health issues, face demons everyday and/or contemplate physical harm or suicide. Let us all shine a light on the darkness of hidden, underlying issues that many people deal with in their lives. Every life deserves hope including yours!
My health seems to have turned around, not for the better.
I was undetectable and healthy for a year and now I am back to being detectable with lowered T-Cells and an ongoing thyroid problem.
This seems to be the least of my worries, though I have had to change my HIV medication from the Viramune + Truvada cocktail to Atripla. Mentally, I have not had much control over my moods, emotions and ability to focus. This is a serious issue for a graduate student. I may be losing my job at school and pretty much having to drop out of my program or slow it down to a near halt.
My heart is halfway full of sadness and loneliness; my way of life is exhausting me. I find it so hard to live consistently within any borders or lines like those of the gospel plan or norms of society. I feel tossed and turned with every strong breeze or storm that comes my way. God's promise to those who don't root themselves in their covenants to Him that supplies protection and continual support is that they may find themselves lost and alone.
Have you ever lost something but everything kept telling you in your mind that you knew where it was? I refuse to calm down and ponder where my lost item is, but instead rummage through everything trying to find it, which usually results in rage, frustration and emotional breakdown.
I swear I know where my testimony of the gospel and my Savior Jesus Christ is, but I am having a hard time finding where I left it. I swear I know where I left my solid relationships of support, love and family, but I am having a hard time finding it. I swear I know where I left my soul, my heart and my spiritual hunger and thirst, but for some reason I am having trouble finding it.
I hear people talk about prayer, scripture studying and pondering and other wonderful things, but for me, it seems like there are always a few steps that come before I resolve to do those things. It's obvious, right? Faith. Hope. Charity. Humility. Repentance. Forgiveness. I am taking a guess that these steps aren't a one time deal.
My professor, incidentally my adviser and boss, is suggesting that I drop his course because I lack focus and am way behind. He told me that it is not that the material is intellectually over my head because I am pretty smart, but that it may be the load of work I have to do that is causing me problems and anxiety. This is very similar to my relationship to the gospel and this course called mortality that I am taking. Intellectually I know the material, I understand the concepts and overall I could probably write a book about all I think I know about it, but what I lack is the ability to do the work.
I am filled with fear of failure and disappointment; the anxiety becomes a bigger monster than the work itself. The problem I face is unlike the class at school which I can drop or take over again, what am I supposed to do about this life? I can't just drop it and take it over again, can I? Nope. So, inevitably I am filled with anxiety and extreme pressure to achieve what seems nearly impossible in a fixed amount of time.
My professor said another thing about the course work: he didn't expect me to do it alone; he doesn't expect anyone to do it alone because it's tough. Likewise, I truly feel that God doesn't expect that we go through this life alone. The work is tough, so He sent His Son Jesus Christ to help out. Jesus can only do so much; you can only lead a horse to water, right? Right now I am going back and forth on whether I want that water or not, but the truth is if I don't decide soon, I could die of thirst. That would be sad and quite a waste.
I know this has come out as a ramble rant, but I needed it; I'm scared.
Be on the look out for my new blog "My Long Walk Down A Short Road" that will focus on my life from childhood to late-twenties. I hope this will shed more light on who I am by allowing readers to see where I have come from and what I have been through. Please support my effort to delve into my past life and explore how I became who I am today. If possible, it may also help others relate to my experiences and feel inspired or comforted that we are not alone in this earthly experience. What happens in this life is not always enjoyable, but as I have found, it can serve to develop one's character for the better.
"Jey Walking" will remain my present-day blog, so you can continue following me here too. Thanks for everything my little Jey Walkers.
The popular idiom says home is where the heart is, but what if you're heart is broken?
Then, where and what is home?
I come from a broken family and a broken existence. I have no roots. I often feel lost, alone and like an aimless wanderer wrapped up in my dreams that are without direction or focus.
I want to know what home feels like. My home was never consistent or like any others I have ever interacted with. When I was a child, my parents were just as immature and childish as I was. They were selfish, needy and destructive; not the role models an impressionable mind needs.
My older siblings were expected to take charge and take care of the younger siblings; however, they were inconsistent because they weren't equipped with the knowledge, wisdom and maturity it takes to be a parent, but I give them great credit, because they did their best and saved my life. This is not home.
I have always been pretty close to most of my siblings, but I grew up feeling very disconnected and separate from my family; very independent. I even felt like I was constantly competing with those siblings I lived with for love and affection from other family members. Is this a normal part of growing up or did I have special needs or problems?
I am actually very grateful to be able to travel and see my family more often and communicate with them through texts, chats and facebook. But, this does not feel like home.
As an adult I have experienced relationships and friendships of all kinds that have been emotional and intimate on many levels. I have counted many of my closest friends as my brothers and sisters because of our emotional bonds we share. This still is not home.
Whether I am in San Diego, Atlanta, Washington, DC or New York City, I feel homeless. Whether I am with my parents, siblings or close friends, I still feel alone. Whether I feel God's love around me and know of His love for me, it is difficult for me to envision where I fit in his home, if at all.
I feel like I have made a cardboard cut out home for myself made up of positive memories, overwhelming emotions, HIV, the loss of my grandmother who was one of my best friends and my personal dreams. I relate this home to the house that was built upon the sand.
"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." Matthew 7: 27
I am not sure that my house full of random feelings and experiences will carry me into the kingdom of God, much less, get me through the rest of this life. I can only hope that as I grow in wisdom, I will make necessary repairs to my home and prepare it for the storms that come, so that I will endure them with faith and strength.
I know this life is a test. My test may include being alone and lost for a little while. This is not a trivial life or existence.
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.” Teilhard de Chardin
I am not meaning to sound ungrateful to my God and Savior, friends and family who pray for me and love me unceasingly, but I am afraid I will die without a sense of home; a sense of warmth, family and unity. Even my cat, Porter, welcomes me home with a hug and affection, but as much love as I feel from him, it will never repair the damage of the past; only the Atonement of Jesus Christ can perform such a miracle and that is a lifelong process.
Last Sunday afternoon I watched for the first time, The Wiz. Now, I've heard Michael Jackson sing the song from The Wiz titled Home, but I never paid attention to the lyrics or context of the song; I didn't know it was from The Wiz. My heart was touched magically as I heard Dorothy (Diana Ross) sing Home as she desired desperately to be with her loved ones and most importantly with herself; once she came into her own, knowing and loving herself.
Here are the lyrics:
HOME by Charlie Smalls, from The Wiz
Think of home Home
When I think of home I think of a place where there's love overflowing I wish I was home I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there Now that I have some direction It would sure be nice to be back home Where there's love and affection And just maybe I can convince time to slow up Giving me enough time in my life to grow up Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face But I still know where I'm going I have had my mind spun around in space And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God Please don't make it hard to know If we should believe in the things that we see Tell us, should we run away Should we try and stay Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world Might be a fantasy But it taught me to love So it's real, real to me
And I've learned That we must look inside our hearts To find a world full of love Like yours Like me
Like home...
I have come to know that home truly lies within my heart and I must allow pieces of my heart to stay with those I love. Then, home will be where my heart is.
“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.” Teilhard de Chardin
