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Wednesday, November 23, 2011

thoughts that keep me up until 3am

Every once in awhile the thought comes to me; I should put my life in order so I can be rebaptized. However; when I start thinking of the ways I would need to prepare for rebaptism I back away feeling it to be near impossible. The real question is, do I want it for the right reason?

I like the idea of being a fully-functional member of the church with all the blessings that come with such membership. However; does that mean I am also prepared for all the responsibilities that it entails? I feel like I only want the blessings without the sacrifice. That seems to be a common theme in my life.

I'm coming up on my seventh year of excommunication and I think given my beliefs and way of living, it would make it quite difficult to maintain my membership again. I am gay. I don't believe it is just some sort of "trial" I was given on Earth; this is who I am, among so many other things. I don't have a desire to be with a woman. Sure, the fantasy of living the cookie-cutter heterosexual life seems wonderful, but in reality it would never work.

I also have no desire to be celibate either. I crave affection like any other person and I know I would go insane if I repressed my feelings for another man and did not express myself physically. I do think it would be great to be chaste until married, now that it is legal in New York, but can I find a man willing to wait also? I can barely trust that any guy I am dating isn't dating several other guys at the same time, let alone think he's being chaste before our marriage.

So, back to rebaptism. Maybe the time is not right, maybe it is not now, maybe it is just not going to happen. I guess I have to decide if that's something I can live with; never being a member of the church again. Does that mean I am accepting a lesser degree of heaven, as well? Maybe I am alright with that, too. Sigh.

These are the thoughts that keep me up until 3am.

You have been caught Jey Walking!