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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

where i am

One year ago my decision was clear and final: it was time to move back to New York City. Since I was struggling to figure out my path in Pittsburgh, along with my daily panic attacks, I just had to leave. There were too many moments when ideas or feelings centered around vanishing or dying were too frequent to ignore. With the amazing help from my best friend, I was rescued and brought back to the home I knew all to well.

My plan was to get a job, go back to graduate school and finish the six courses left of my degree, start paying bills, become financially and emotionally stable, and be happy.  With plenty of effort, sacrifice, sweat, tears, and emotional shutdowns, I feel as though I haven't moved an inch in 365 days.
  • Four jobs in 365 days.
  • Accepted to graduate school, but unable to pay for classes, textbooks, and supplies due to loan rejection.
  • Unable to start paying bills due to lack of income.
  • Not financially stable
  • Barely emotionally stable. 
One of the big things on the list above is going back to school to finish my Master's degree. Having the degree would allow me to be at the top of the list for most of the jobs I am seeking. Unfortunately, the cost of going to school without loans of any kind keeps me from my goal. I am looking into state grants for Adult Continuing Education, but living in NYC I am competing against thousands or millions of others for the same grant money. So, if you know anyone that would like to help me finish my degree, please have them donate $10,000, preferably $15,000. Bueller...Bueller??? Exactly.

Now, the great news is that I connected with someone I've been acquainted with for six years. We have been dating for six months and I am very happy and lucky in love. Part of me wants to believe that I was meant to come back here to find John at just the right time in both of our lives. What I keep reminding myself of is that if John was the only good thing to happen to me in NYC, then coming back and staying here is worth all the negative parts of my life.

John is an optimistic and loveable soul. Whenever I am being my realistic (pessimistic) self, he always tries to find a way to make me laugh, smile, or at least relax. We both have our baggage, but ours seem to match in a lot of ways. We are learning about the idiosyncrasies of our personalities and behaviors. Our relationship has taught me a lot about myself and how I interact and react to people, places, things and...problems. 

This is where I am. I am caught in between having the relationship I have always wanted and needed and a life full of hard decisions and struggles. Guess what that means, I'm human and slightly normal...I said slightly!

I'm not here to complain, but rather to explain what is going on in my life. I need all the motivation, encouragement, and prayers I can get. The world is getting tougher, meaner, and scarier day by day and I am just trying to find a way to keep my head above water and make sense of it all.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

"Where I Am"
I have stumbled, how I fell
Ive seen more hurtin'
On this road back from hell
Than I would wish on anyone

For everything I faced in this world
It seemed the darkest
With the devil at my door
But with time comes the truth

And Ive had to go through the worst
To get to the best Ive ever been

I thought no one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance

Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

I have recovered, I am home
Now I believe in heaven
My hurt's my own, the battle's won
Those demons gone

And Ive had to go through the worst
To get to the best Ive ever been

I thought no one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance

Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

No one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance
Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

And Ive had to go through the worst
To get to the best Ive ever been

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., EMI Music Publishing

Monday, September 8, 2014

mind over matter

Catatonic Schizophrenic
Psychedelic Hallucinogenic
Euphoric Exhilaration
Ecstatic Jubilation
Maniacal Equilibrium
Preternatural Cornucopia 
Multifarious Perspicacity
Pusillanimous Coagulation
Exonerated Equanimity
Peripatetic Matriculation 
Lunatical Metamorphosis

Thursday, June 19, 2014

divine deviance

Dark dirty dive of divine deviance
Gazing eyes
Groping hands
Intoxicated smiling monsters
Waiting to rape and murder willing victims
Diseased hearts
Fractured minds
Naked inebriated bodies
Vandalized mirrors reflect truth
Through smoke and desperation
Scantily clad heroes of the night
Lead the lambs to the majestic slaughter
The price is time but yields dreams racing through eternity
Gyrations of grandeur awaken
Even the most dormant of worshipers
Validation sought to ease an aching soul
Life is sucked out of eager voyagers
Their remains fall to the wayside or to the deep abyss
While flurries of saline and sucrose
Spread wildly across the skies
Followed by mass exodus
Into the bleak and desolate badlands
Walking in isolation
Back to the cavern of devastating seclusion
The sun rises with hungry withdrawals
Demons and monsters
Devils and angels
Blindly return night after night
For the few alienated outcasts
All that exists is that moment
When everything stops
As they watch each other explode into oblivion
Titillating annihilation is the intersection
Where heaven and hell collide
As they dive into the dark and dirty depth
Divine deviance makes them come together


Friday, February 28, 2014

purgatorial existence

this is not love
hot and bothered
a sign of danger

this is not love
hostile suspicion
demanding anger

this is not love
committing fraud
you will be prosecuted

this is not love
a crime has been perpetrated 
against a sovereign state
this is not love
protect yourself
you will not be seen

this is not love
strictly prohibited
make the choice

this is not love
aggressive manipulation
enraged abuse

this is not love
here i am waiting
there is my confiscated truth

this is not love
this is a serious offense
the message has been received

this is not love
you must stop
you must see

Thursday, January 30, 2014

looking for baggage that goes with mine

In the early morning I was in between consciousness as I slept. There was a vivid dream that kept my attention that was too captivating to ignore. Some of my dreams are better classified as visions because they are so intense and memorable that I know there is a message that must be deciphered.

The earliest memory I have of the dream is of me in the process of moving to a new place. I decided I needed to go to church to get some help or support, but it wasn't clear what kind of support I needed, it was just important that I go to church. The place I moved to was more suburban because there were no buses or trains that I can recall. I walked to church and when I got there the building was full of single adults doing some activities, it reminded me of the activity nights I had been to years ago.

When I entered I asked someone if there was a computer that I could use for awhile. After sometime on the computer I went back downstairs where the single adults were still mingling. I needed a ride home and a good looking man agreed to take me home.

Then the dream skipped to me inside his house and it was obvious to me that he was also gay because we were being intimate together. After being intimate with him he told me I should leave and I was absolutely shocked. I had no way to get home and in the other room all my belongings were strewn all over the place. I felt embarrassed, used, and very vulnerable. While feeling sad, angry, and depressed, I was alone with all my belongings and scrambling to stuff it all into my suitcases. It was so difficult to fit all my things into my bags and it aggravated and frustrated me even more.

As I finished packing I realized something was missing and I couldn't find it anywhere. Finally, I went into the livingroom to ask this man about my missing item. The item was a tank top and I asked him, "Do you know where my tank top you have it...?" This is when I realized other men where in the room. The livingroom was very dark and there were other men in the room and I didn't know which one was the man that told me to leave. I continued, "oh sorry..." Someone answered back, "No, I don't know where your tank top that says 'Oh Sorry' is...but I guess I should say I'm sorry for all this mess." Then he chuckled a bit. The other men laughed and muttered things under their breath. I was so annoyed that I just left, that's when I woke up.

I woke up immediately feeling like the dream really meant something and had a message for me to feel and understand. My friend and I discussed it for a bit and came up with this interpretation.

The dream is about relationships. Every attempt at a relationship has turned out poorly. The end of any relationship has left me feeling sad, angry, depressed and very vulnerable. I'm not sure that going to the church had anything to do with the dream, but maybe it has to do with the fact the my last relationship was with someone of the same religion, so in a way we met through church or we had that in common. Each breakup requires me to collect my baggage that I brought to the relationship, which is an agonizing task. Each time I have a feeling like something of mine is missing and the other person doesn't know where it is or they do, but they don't care about me getting it back. This is symbolic of me giving a part of myself to the other person that I will never get back and it leaves me feeling annoyed, bitter, sad, angry or depressed.

Overall, I believe the dream was a message to me to not commit so easily to any guy that comes along and wants to date me. I feel it means that I should be aware of the baggage I am bringing into the relationships I have, including friendships or any other relationships with co-workers and family members. There may be other interpretations, but it seems like this is the one that fits the most. It also makes sense to me to include that I am somewhat nomadic because I move around a lot and may sub-consciously be avoiding stability and commitment which also effects my feelings toward long-term relationships. There's a lot about this dream which seems so pertinent to my current situation and what I may need to learn for the future. I wonder what more I may have learned had I slept much longer.

The truth is we all have some emotional baggage we bring to our relationships. One of my favorite lines from the musical  RENT goes: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

You have been caught Jey Walking!

Thursday, January 23, 2014


unspeakable pain
hollowed heart
hallowed mind
restlessness never ending
eyes to the ground
tears are unseen
choking on despair
swallowing heartache
walking to the irrevocable terminus
without direction or aim