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Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Last night I watched a man overdose and kill himself because he said he could no longer feel anything.
He was once a successful photographer that turned to a life of addiction and prostitution to get by. In the end he couldn't even tell his only friend that he loved him because love seemed so strange to a man who has sex for money. It was a sad story that reminded me of others I know and myself.
My life used to be like this man and a lot has changed either by force or by choice. I have never done drugs, but that's not to say that I've never been addicted. I still suffer from many addictions and there are days I feel nothing.
This last weekend I made a small inventory of my current life and became overwhelmed with my internal budget. I saw how much energy goes needlessly to parts of my life that would be better off removed from me.
Lately, I have been struggling to come to grips with the realities of my life. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't figure out my life; do my laundry, clean my room, organize and simplify. I did an amazing job this last couple days doing just that; seriously, if you ever need someone to spring clean, I'm the guy.
Being behind in school, struggling financially, having a pet die and enduring a long, sunless winter in a big, loud city has made it difficult to concentrate on my life. I really just want to go somewhere warm and feel alive again. I might even have to resort to tanning just to get some UV rays in my system. I miss San Diego with all my heart and though you never heard it from me, I sort of miss Atlanta, too. I think the reason for being somewhat homesick has little to do with the weather compared to being close to family and close friends.
I am hoping to make a comeback soon. I 'd like to reach my goals this year that include catching up with my schoolwork, getting my finances on track and focusing more on the good in my life and the good I can do for others. It's easy to be selfish in times of need and personal crisis, but I know that when I am stuck in a pit, the best way out is to help others that are in the pit with me.
I need an emotional, mental, spiritual and probably even, physical detox to leave behind the toxins in my life and replace them with healthy nourishment. It's no surprise that, though I am still undetectable, my T-Cells keep dropping. Stress can cause T-Cells to be more vulnerable and weaken my overall state of being. My hope is to kick my body, mind and spirit into gear and continue the race I started.
I have faith in my close friends and family that they will continue to be a support in my life no matter what my needs may be. I have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, that they will aid me in my journey through detox and complete wholeness.
You have been caught Jey Walking!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
My life is not unlike many others. I too live on the roller coaster that is life; full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Throughout my young adult life I struggled with who I am and I can't say much has changed.
Part of my struggle included depression and choices that made it difficult to keep my head above water. From the age of 15 I became sexually active with guys from school and summer camps. By my senior year in high school I was meeting up with guys in their thirties. I was naive, but looking for love and everything in between. I did whatever my partners told me to do because I didn't know much about sex, so I took their word for it. A lot of time we didn't use protection and I figured I would be ok because they were nice guys.
Then, I heard that my mother was infected with HIV and that changed my world. If she could be infected, so could I. I started getting tested every now and then and it always came back negative. I reassured myself that because I wasn't a drug user or having sex with dirty guys, I would be alright.By 2005 my mother was living with AIDS, had one T-Cell left and finally started medication. Later that year I got really sick and went to get a full STD screening; the test came back positive for HIV, the first time in seven years of testing. My life changed from that point forward.
HIV can infect anybody; my mother, my friends, even me. It has not been easy to break bad habits of promiscuity and unprotected sex, but HIV has taught me a lesson about taking care of myself and others. I learned this lesson the hard way when I found out I had infected a friend, even though I thought we were careful. Fortunately, we have received medications, health services and programs are available to us to help us in this new world of HIV. We're both healthy and UNDETECTABLE!
Many out there don't have as easy access to what we have. Many don't even know they're positive because they don't get tested. Unfortunately, people are still dying of HIV/AIDS. Donating to the AIDS Walk is about HOPE;
HIV Outreach, Prevention and Education.
Whatever you can donate is great because it means:
one more person KNOWS THEIR HIV STATUS.
one more person LIVING LONGER.
one more person PREVENTING AN INFECTION.
one LESS DEATH.
Please walk with me on May 15th to show your support and/or donate today to my team. Take care and be well my friends!
Click here to donate =====> AIDS Walk 2011 Donation