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Monday, May 25, 2009


Why is it that everytime I have a strong feeling or eye opening experience there is a song that has been written that says it exactly how I feel.

The last few days I have been thinking selfishly for my future. I don't want to lose things, I don't want to sacrifice, I want everything to work in my favor and I just want life to be great. Too much to ask?

So today someone pointed out this song from awhile back

by The Smiths

Good times for a change
See, the luck Ive had
Can make a good man
Turn bad

So please please please
Let me, let me, let me
Let me get what I want
This time

Havent had a dream in a long time
See, the life Ive had
Can make a good man bad

So for once in my life
Let me get what I want
Lord knows, it would be the first time
Lord knows, it would be the first time


Let me clarify one part I would change - it is certainly NOT the first time I have gotten what I want and the Lord knows that all too well. I am thankful for what I have - I just don't want to give it up :D

You have been caught Jey Walking! (isn't that what you want?)

Monday, May 11, 2009

balm of gilead

Simply put, yesterday seemed like a disaster - in fact it felt the way most Monday mornings feel.

I have never loved waking up early on Monday mornings. I even wrote a poem in high school titled, "I Hate Mondays" - but that's for later. Last Monday when I wrote my post "My Letter to the One" and today are the rare exceptions. Like McDonald's new little ditty, I can say, "I'm Lovin' It!" but alas, I digress... YESTERDAY!

As the Elder's Quorum Music Coordinator I have been leading music during the priesthood hour of church. Our men proved that they can sing well a capella because we have no piano in our meeting room. So, I was asked to form an Elder's Quorum choir that would perform a capella in sacrament meeting.

I don't read music, I only play it. I can sing but I have to hear the notes to do so. I am usually frustrated because I am not a choir director. Half the time I lead, I am off by a few beats. I just stand there to serve as the guy who starts everyone else off on the wrong note and then continues to lead everyone singing off-beat, but who else will do it?

Yesterday we were all to meet early to run through our parts - especially because we were going to sing a capella. Maybe 1/3 of our guys were there, which in our ward is ten. Well, a few reluctant singers and a frustrated director who doesn't know what to do, doesn't make for great music. We ran out of time to practice and I ran out of patience - I left the building to let off some hot steam.

I don't like to feel anxious or humiliated because of my inability to do what people expect me to do. I was so angry and almost felt disrespected and betrayed - I just wanted to give up.

I decided that I didn't want to give up on these guys even if I felt I was being failed. I would be a hypocrite if I failed those who at least showed up and tried their best. After all, these men aren't trained singers just like I'm no trained choir director. We ended singing the hymn, "I Need Thee Every Hour" even if I failed to utter such a prayer out loud - I know others prayed for me and us on our behalf. Though it wasn't a capella - it was beautiful.

Unfortunately, this didn't stop me from being frustrated and bitter the rest of the day. There are so many things on my mind right now. When I wrote that it might be hard to express my joy about being undetectable I was really saying, "Great! I'm undetectable, but what about all my other problems?" Needless to say my attitude hasn't been so pleasant lately, regardless of the good news that I've received; news that many like me wish they too would receive. I am blessed; I have it good, even if I don't deserve it.

After church I decided to go to Ward Choir practice, even though I really just wanted to sulk. The hymn we are preparing to perform is a beautiful rendition of, "Did You Think to Pray?" I really enjoyed singing that yesterday and surprisingly I really have my part down pretty well. Then I went home and eventually fell asleep after watching a six hour movie whose theme had a lot to do with healing and the Fountain of Bethesda among other things.

This morning I woke up and began to start my day. The usual Monday morning routine includes showering with anxiety, putting on some guilt and despair and heating up some leftover anger to eat. I guess this morning started differently. I took out my medication, a slice of bread and some water - sort of like my own sacrament between me and the Lord. As I sat down to take my meds, eat, drink and prepare to be merry - I noticed something I noticed at least five months ago.

Truvada is one of the medicines I take and it comes in the form of a large blue pill. On one side is imprinted a word, in fact the name of the manufacturing science lab, Gilead. For some reason this got me singing, "Did You Think to Pray?" and specifically the third verse:

"When sore trials came upon you
Did you think to pray?
When your soul was filled with sorrow,
Balm of Gilead did you borrow
At the gates of day?

Oh, how praying rests the weary!
Prayer will change the night to day.
So, when life gets dark and dreary,
Don't forget to pray."

It struck me like a bug strikes a Mac truck's windshield! Here I was looking down at this word Gilead on a pill that has prolonged my life singing, "Did You Think to Pray?" I was holding my own Balm of Gilead and it's more than just a pill - it's God, His endless blessings, my life, everything! If anyone in the world needed to borrow the Balm of Gilead at the gates of day - more so on Monday mornings - it has to include me. As part of my daily ranting, raving and pleadings to the myself and to anyone listening I say, "I Need Thee Every Hour" but "Did I Think to Pray?" What a wake up call.

Speaking of wake up calls - it's maybe no coincidence then that Gilead literally means heap of testimony or mass of witness. So, Balm of Gilead could really be translated to mean - healing witness.

I can testify to you that the Balm of Gilead is not only a healing resin for our temporal wounds. It also includes revelatory witness and testimony of the very Atonement of Jesus Christ that allows us to be healed spiritually.

"For as the body without the spirit is dead..."
~ James 2:26

To answer the age-old question from Jeremiah 8:22, "Is there no balm in Gilead; is there no physician there?" I gladly reply - YES - we can find the Balm of Gilead in prayer, in humility, in patience and in healing our body and our spirits through cleansing and sanctification.

"O Lord my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me...I cried unto thee, O Lord; and unto the Lord I made supplication...Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing...and girded me with gladness; to the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever."
~Psalm 30

There is one physician in Gilead who can heal all things sick, mend all things torn, fix all things broken and make all things whole again. It is He, our Savior Jesus Christ. He called me to prayer this morning and I was reminded that there is hope - there is love - there is God.

"...weeping may endure the night, but joy cometh in the morning."
~Psalm 30:5

You have been caught Jey Walking! (sometimes kneeling to pray, too)

Thursday, May 7, 2009


Just wanted to let you all know I am UNDETECTABLE!

I am not sure how much I can write now because I am just so excited, relieved and emotional.

I just ask that if you are able to support me by making a contribution at the upcoming AIDS Walk New York: or to Callen-Lorde Community Health Center at:

Thanks so much for hanging in here with me!

love jey

You have been caught Jey Walking!

Monday, May 4, 2009

my letter to the one

If there is one thing, maybe one theme, I could express my feelings about to my dear brothers, sisters and friends who may feel the darkness all around them because they too have confusing feelings, desires and attractions toward the same sex/gender that they are not sure of - it would be this-

No matter where, who, or what you are
No matter how you were raised or the lack thereof
No matter your religious background or color of your skin
No matter what your personality or character is like
No matter what your favorites in life are
No matter what the content of your dreams may be

Someone - somewhere has walked down a similar road
You are not the only one
I am your brother and friend!

I feel compelled to express my feelings for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I thank them for allowing me the privilege and honor of living this life with all the trials and experiences I have been through and have yet to travail. One of these trials is being gay - not to say that being so makes me or anyone else bad or evil - but it's certainly not easy - that's for sure! Though, I know that there is one who has suffered more than I.

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation...If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, the very jaws of hell gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?"

"Therefore, hold thy way...fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."
~ Doctrine & Covenants 122

I am honored to have sacrificed dreams that could have been to feel the pain and anxiety of being different; being gay - the self-loathing, rejection, sorrow, loss, loneliness, exclusion, depression or suicidal thoughts -YES- even the desire for death as so many like me have come to feel and the one too many that have unfortunately succeeded in those desires. I am honored because not only has it brought me closer to my God - it has helped me in being a better friend - a better person to others.

I will not judge those who desire to have what they believe to be their basic rights. I won't lie - I have had desires to settle down with my "dream man" because sometimes - it feels natural, happy and right.

I am not one who judges others who leave their church and/or their families to choose, so often, a destructive lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity - how can I? I have been down that road to hell and back, slipping back down and crawling out of the darkness again and again - a continual cycle over the last 12 years.

Neither do I judge those who choose to hide or dismiss their feelings or desires to serve God and their families and go about their day to day because for them - that is their highest priority.

I would not condemn my brothers and sisters who share this battle with me; I will fight along side them. It's hard because we all want different things - but one way or another we have shared so much of the pain and anxiety that is being gay.

Funny that gay used to be a word that meant happy or carefree. For many it still does regardless of context or usage. The reality is that so many of us are hurting inside, feeling lost and afraid of what might be. Many of us don't know which side to choose. The last thing we need is to be judged, slandered or cast aside. I know all I want and need are hugs, friends, support, encouragement, a sense of protection and safety and love - love and kindness from family, friends and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

In the recent years I have come to know more and more - some of the most talented, skilled, supportive, friendly and loving men and women in the world - they just happen to be gay. I have also come to know so many who don't feel they are loved and supported - they are not sure they can trust the world around them not to condemn them for feelings and desires that, not only feel natural and right, but are more often than not - uncontrollable and seem to come from nowhere or deep inside.

So - this message is to the one; to those who are in the darkness of their so called "closets" because of the fear that wells inside of you. I am here. I am your brother. I am your friend. I will love you the best I can. I will support you with all that I know and have. I will walk with you along this rocky, twisted path. I will share this trial with you so you know you are not the only one. I will help carry the load - so that when you are weak you don't have to fall into a pit of despair and even if you do - I will be there to help you out.

I am honored to have been blessed with my life - I have learned to feel with the deepest part of my heart, mind and soul. I have often walked with my Savior to learn from Him how best to sacrifice, serve and love. I hope you will walk with me.

love your brother and friend, Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking! (You can hold my hand if you want too)

PS. Also see, - Ensign Article - None Were with Him

Sunday, May 3, 2009

detectable solicitation

I am so excited to find out on May 7th - 4 pm what my latest HIV viral load count is and especially if it is going to be "UNDETECTED"!

I also really excited for May 17th! ( )

I went to the gym for the first in awhile and am feeling great - I feel healthier than I was when I was diagnosed in 2005. I owe a lot to the people at GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center here in New York. Without the services they have provided for me.

Since last August they have provided me with two pairs of glasses so I can see, a new crown for my tooth (been missing for several years now - never had the money to replace it) - blood tests - STD tests - vaccines - and of course, the most important - my drugs that have eradicated almost all of the HIV in my body.

GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center ( obviously done so much - they have given me more life to live. Being the broke grad student that I am - I can't afford to pay them back - but I made a contribution anyway. This year I am turning 30 and it's all thanks to God, GMHC and Callen-Lorde Community Health Center.

I am asking each of you - despite the economic times that we are in - to donate $30 in my name to this year's AIDS Walk New York.( ) and/or If each of you contributed this amount it would add up fast and really make a difference.

You can also make a donation to Callen-Lorde at their website

Please give $30 today ( ) or ( to show your support to me and to those who are doing everything they can to provide meaningful, life-changing services to people like me. I really appreciate all the support, thoughts, prayers and donations received already.

Follow the link below to either walk with me, donate or both. It's safe, secure and easy-even I did it!
(go to : Sponsor a Walker)


Thanks a billion! (or just $30!)

love Jey

PS. I should be having an "undetectable" party soon and you're invited to come celebrate!

You have been caught Jey Walking!