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Thursday, November 17, 2016

Million Reasons



I've been pretty obsessed with Lady Gaga's newest album, Joanne. One of the big hits, Million Reasons, is one of my favorite songs of her collection. It has really resonated with me emotionally with its powerful lyrics and beautiful music. 

I was first introduced to the song when I was at Marty Thomas presents DIVA at Industry a few weeks ago. Marty sang his heart out and I really fell in love with how stunning the music and the lyrics work together. When I got home I bought the album and started listening to it pretty religiously. 

On my way into work today I listened to it three times. The third time something struck me that the song went a little deeper than what most believe the song is about. The lyrics seem to tell the story of a broken and/or abusive relationship which is difficult to escape. I totally heard that every other time I played it, except for this morning. As I listened attentively to each word paired with her vocalization or inflection, it came to me that the song could easily be interpreted as someone battling mental health issues and suicidal thoughts. Trust me - being mentally ill and having suicidal thoughts is definitely a broken relationship with oneself. I am in no way saying this was the meaning Lady Gaga intended - but that is a part of all art - everything is up for interpretation.

Read through these lyrics in the lens of someone battling mental illness:

Million Reasons

You're giving me a million reasons to let you go
You're giving me a million reasons to quit the show
You're givin' me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin' me a million reasons
About a million reasons

If I had a highway, I would run for the hills
If you could find a dry way, I'd forever be still
But you're giving me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin' me a million reasons
About a million reasons

I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all
his worn out leather

I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Head stuck in a cycle, I look off and I stare
It's like that I've stopped breathing, but completely aware
'Cause you're giving me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin' me a million reasons
About a million reasons

And if you say something that you might even mean
It's hard to even fathom which parts I should believe
'Cause you're giving me a million reasons
Give me a million reasons
Givin' me a million reasons
About a million reasons

I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all his worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one to stay

Hey, ehh, ehh, eyy
Baby I'm bleedin', bleedin'
Stay, ehh, ehhy
Can't you give me what I'm needin', needin'
Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith
But baby, I just need one good one
Good one, good one, good one, good one, good one

When I bow down to pray
I try to make the worst seem better
Lord, show me the way
To cut through all his worn out leather
I've got a hundred million reasons to walk away
But baby, I just need one good one, good one
Tell me that you'll be the good one, good one
Baby, I just need one good one to stay


Million Reasons written by Lady Gaga, Hillary Lindsey and Mark Ronson

I don't really speak that openly about my battle with depression, sadness, anxiety, PTSD, and past suicidal thoughts. It's not an easy topic to talk about - but now that I've come so far away from a place of darkness I lived in for so long I can say more. I'm not declaring that I've been cured of anything - I still struggle with anxiety and PTSD everyday. The biggest change in my life was learning to say NO when I felt too pressured or anxious. I learned to say NO to activities that might trigger a panic attack. On the other hand, I learned to say YES to things that might make life easier or more fulfilling. There is no one answer for everyone - but there are answers for each individual.

I'm so happy I am now at a point where I know what to do if I ever feel like things are getting to be too overwhelming. No one said people aren't allowed to STOP and take time to take care of themselves before things get worse. Unfortunately, being mentally ill or dealing with mental health issues is still a faux pas in our society, when in fact, nearly 1 in 5 Americans suffers from mental illness each year. With Trump as our President, that number may steadily increase, but that's all I have to say about that.


"LGBTQ individuals are almost 3 times more likely than others to experience a mental health condition such as major depression or generalized anxiety disorder.

The LGBTQ community is at a higher risk for suicide because we lack peer support and face harassment, mental health conditions and substance abuse. For LGBTQ people aged 10–24, suicide is one of the leading causes of death. LGBTQ youth are 4 times more likely and questioning youth are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide, experience suicidal thoughts or engage in self-harm than straight people. Between 38-65% of transgender individuals experience suicidal ideation." Find out more at: Find-Support/LGBTQ


If you or anyone you know is facing mental health issues or having suicidal thoughts, please speak with someone you trust, a mental health provider, or call one the following hotlines:

It Gets Better campaign and The Trevor Project 
provides a national, 24-hr, toll-free confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ youth at 866-488-7386

The Trevor Project also provides an online chat and confidential text messaging text “Trevor” to 202-304-1200.

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline1-800-273-TALK (8255)

I didn't intend for this post to turn into a suicide prevention message, but it feels right to share my story so that maybe one person's life might be saved. Life is difficult; full of ups and downs. You're allowed to be broken, make mistakes, or even hit rock bottom. There's still hope for you and where there is hope, there is life and love. Every life deserves hope.

The first step is admitting to yourself or to another person that you need help. You can’t climb a mountain in one footstep, nor do you have to climb it alone. Ask for help, talk it out, share your thoughts and feelings, or just scream and cry if you need to. Even in your deepest despair and darkest hour, you are not alone.


Tuesday, August 16, 2016

reflective reflection




broken
soaked in
blood
tears
salt
dripping off
my face
my hands
dirt
dust
rust
my broken
heart
soul
mind
searching 

for life
pain
reality
i want
eye want
to see
my self
my face
nothing
something
some thing
no thing



what am i 
looking 
at
for
through
there is 
someone 
looking 
crying
pleading 
reflective 
in the mirror
what do
i see
eye see
reflection
not reflective
of reality



stranded
waiting
begging
crowded loneliness
overwhelmed
dispairity
looking for 
clarity
real
is not
feel
abandoned
from all of us
to all of you
us
you
no one 
some one
any one
one




michael
gabriel
uriel
raphael
sing to me
hold me
touch my 
sweet abyss
that darkness
fill with light
feel the light
shout
hosanna
my revelation
shout 
hallelujah
my messenger
shout 
atonement
my perfect light
shout
healing
my commander
break the dawn
with your
anonymous divinity
into this 
glorious 
night
of death
anew
a new 
becoming
baptized 
in glitter
bathed
in gold
showered
in rainbows
seraphim
cherubim
divine



i am 
archangel
of this 
empty corner
there is
no one
looking
there is 
no one
king of
uninhabited
intoxicative
exhibition
of 
prohibition
not alone
a lone
unicorn
in the 
wild streets
vagabonds
chasing
driving
searching
yearning



what am i 
looking 
at
for
through
there is 
someone 
looking 
crying
pleading 
reflective 
in the mirror
what do
i see
eye see
reflection
not reflective
of reality