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Friday, January 15, 2010

this is where i am

I have kept silent for the last month to allow my mind to rest in hopes of gathering more thoughts on which to expound upon.

One thing I did as I came closer to the end of 2009 was to just let it happen. I usually send out a year end post or email that talks about, basically, all of which I have already posted before. It just seemed so redundant of me. So, I ended the year with little or no words at all because it proved to me that the end of the year would occur with or without my traditional post.

One of my thoughts that I gathered in was about who I am. I imagine that if my life is like any character from the great classic, Saturday's Warrior, then I can easily assume that before this life, a long time ago, I stood around waiting for my turn to come to this earthly existence. I may have even plead with my older brother Jimmy to, remember to keep his promise. In fact, I may have even met my one true, eternal companion, despite the fact that I am gay; I can assume any one of the male characters in that movie are too. To be honest I sometimes wish it were all that simple, but it is not.

Here's how life really is, for me. I am attracted to men. I sort of have a fairytale dream that I will get married and have children. I used to believe that I could make a marriage between me and a woman work, but it won't, for me. Some people have told me not to worry because I will have a chance to be married in the next life when I am no longer gay. I question those who believe that when this life is over all gay people will magically no longer be gay. Who am I to question the power of God, but how and why would He change me to become heterosexual? I'm just saying, I am almost stereotypically gay, how is my whole life as a gay person going to change after this life? I am not looking for "answers", I am just asking.

I have also considered the subject of being re-baptized. I have wanted this so badly since I was excommunicated. I no longer understand how being re-baptized will help me if I don't plan of living a celibate life. I would love to have the full blessings of membership, but I am being realistic about my lifestyle. I have struggled the last few years to become a person who is not promiscuous and who values deep and meaningful relationships that are both emotional and physical. I have been open with my Bishop letting him know that if I find a partner to settle down with, there would be no reason for me to attempt re-baptism. I know that even kissing and cuddling with my male partner would be considered grounds for disciplinary actions, contrary to heterosexual relationship standards. My Bishop, however, surprisingly applauds my efforts to find one partner for myself to whom I can devote my emotional and physical love. Now I join the ultimate struggle which is finding Mr. Right.

Aside from these thoughts I have considered other parts of my future. Right now I am in graduate school for a management degree, but am not sure I want to manage anything, but my life. I want to finish the program because I think it's important to finish what you start and to get a degree that shows you can learn new things. Having a master's degree can be a foot into several doors. I have been asked several times what my plans are, but candidly, I am uncertain. I have plenty of ideas and dreams, so I don't think I am afraid of the future per se, but rather worried about whether the choices I make now will lead me in the right direction. I am not alone in this, many people have these same worries or concerns.

As far as the rest of my life goes, I left the frozen tundra of New York City on December 17th to enjoy a wonderful month long visit to San Diego. I was able to see most of my friends and family there. I had a relaxing Christmas Day filled with endless gourmet cuisine fixed by my step-mother and delightful gift giving. My warm New Year's celebration was exciting and lasted the entire weekend, as it should. I did some bargain shopping, ate delicious food, went to the beach several times, got a tan and needless to say, relaxed my tired 30 year old ass!

With 2010 now underway I am facing new challenges, overcoming old ones and gearing up for what I expect to be a fruitful and adventurous year. I may not know what I am supposed to be when I grow up, but I am here and giving nearly my best shot with what I got. I am thankful for my life, my friends, loving family members and always, the good times. Let the good times roll!

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Have a happy and industrious new year!)


El Genio said...

I don't question the power of God to change people's orientation. What I do question, is the fact that he would deem such a change necessary in every single case. I have no doubt that there are individuals in MOMs out there who really would desire to spend a fulfilling eternity with their spouse. My belief is that God will make this possible for them. It is also my belief that God will also allow same-sex marriages to be eternal. JGW said it a lot better than me:

Bravone said...

Jey, I hope 2010 brings you more peace, health and contentment than 2009. I love you man.

Charity said...

Hey Jey :) I just found your blog and did some catching up.
I cheer for you and your struggles, as well as your realistic outlook on life, no matter how hard it is sometimes.
I miss your smiles and hugs and hope that life is treating you well!! One day at a time my friend, I think, no I KNOW, you're gonna make it :)
Love ya

Rick said...

I used to write a letter to family and friends at the end of every year (or beginning of next - depending on workload) - but a couple years ago I stopped because I was going through a dark period, and didn't feel like I could make any conclusions about the period, except perhaps ones that felt too personal and difficult to share.

Maybe I'll do a letter at the end of this year. I like traditions, and I have a feeling this year is going to turn out really well.

Regarding your post, I have seen you often struggling with reconciling your spirituality and gayness. And I wonder if there are many spiritual gay men in your life - people who fully and unconditionally accept themselves - as gay and spiritual - with the right to get married (to another man, legally or unofficially) and have children. People you regard as mentors and friends.

I have met and been friends with such men (and aspire to be one), and know that it is much easier to come into a sense of confidence in who you are (and therefore, faith in God's acceptance of you) when you are connected to people who embody it. (This is not to say that you need to forsake your other friends and mentors.)

Knowing you, you've probably already made these connections. So I hope this comment doesn't come across as patronizing.