The popular idiom says home is where the heart is, but what if you're heart is broken?
Then, where and what is home?
I come from a broken family and a broken existence. I have no roots. I often feel lost, alone and like an aimless wanderer wrapped up in my dreams that are without direction or focus.
I want to know what home feels like. My home was never consistent or like any others I have ever interacted with. When I was a child, my parents were just as immature and childish as I was. They were selfish, needy and destructive; not the role models an impressionable mind needs.
My older siblings were expected to take charge and take care of the younger siblings; however, they were inconsistent because they weren't equipped with the knowledge, wisdom and maturity it takes to be a parent, but I give them great credit, because they did their best and saved my life. This is not home.
I have always been pretty close to most of my siblings, but I grew up feeling very disconnected and separate from my family; very independent. I even felt like I was constantly competing with those siblings I lived with for love and affection from other family members. Is this a normal part of growing up or did I have special needs or problems?
I am actually very grateful to be able to travel and see my family more often and communicate with them through texts, chats and facebook. But, this does not feel like home.
As an adult I have experienced relationships and friendships of all kinds that have been emotional and intimate on many levels. I have counted many of my closest friends as my brothers and sisters because of our emotional bonds we share. This still is not home.
Whether I am in San Diego, Atlanta, Washington, DC or New York City, I feel homeless. Whether I am with my parents, siblings or close friends, I still feel alone. Whether I feel God's love around me and know of His love for me, it is difficult for me to envision where I fit in his home, if at all.
I feel like I have made a cardboard cut out home for myself made up of positive memories, overwhelming emotions, HIV, the loss of my grandmother who was one of my best friends and my personal dreams. I relate this home to the house that was built upon the sand.
"And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it." Matthew 7: 27
I am not sure that my house full of random feelings and experiences will carry me into the kingdom of God, much less, get me through the rest of this life. I can only hope that as I grow in wisdom, I will make necessary repairs to my home and prepare it for the storms that come, so that I will endure them with faith and strength.
I know this life is a test. My test may include being alone and lost for a little while. This is not a trivial life or existence.
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”
Teilhard de Chardin
I am not meaning to sound ungrateful to my God and Savior, friends and family who pray for me and love me unceasingly, but I am afraid I will die without a sense of home; a sense of warmth, family and unity. Even my cat, Porter, welcomes me home with a hug and affection, but as much love as I feel from him, it will never repair the damage of the past; only the Atonement of Jesus Christ can perform such a miracle and that is a lifelong process.
Last Sunday afternoon I watched for the first time, The Wiz. Now, I've heard Michael Jackson sing the song from The Wiz titled Home, but I never paid attention to the lyrics or context of the song; I didn't know it was from The Wiz. My heart was touched magically as I heard Dorothy (Diana Ross) sing Home as she desired desperately to be with her loved ones and most importantly with herself; once she came into her own, knowing and loving herself.
Here are the lyrics:
by Charlie Smalls, from The Wiz
Think of home
When I think of home
I think of a place where there's love overflowing
I wish I was home
I wish I was back there with the things I been knowing
Wind that makes the tall trees bend into leaning
Suddenly the snowflakes that fall have a meaning
Sprinklin' the scene, makes it all clean
Maybe there's a chance for me to go back there
Now that I have some direction
It would sure be nice to be back home
Where there's love and affection
And just maybe I can convince time to slow up
Giving me enough time in my life to grow up
Time be my friend, let me start again
Suddenly my world has changed it's face
But I still know where I'm going
I have had my mind spun around in space
And yet I've watched it growing
If you're list'ning God
Please don't make it hard to know
If we should believe in the things that we see
Tell us, should we run away
Should we try and stay
Or would it be better just to let things be?
Living here, in this brand new world
Might be a fantasy
But it taught me to love
So it's real, real to me
And I've learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love
I have come to know that home truly lies within my heart and I must allow pieces of my heart to stay with those I love. Then, home will be where my heart is.
“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.” Teilhard de Chardin
You have been caught Jey Walking!
Here's Kristin Chenoweth's GLEE version of Home: