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Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Last night I watched a man overdose and kill himself because he said he could no longer feel anything.

He was once a successful photographer that turned to a life of addiction and prostitution to get by. In the end he couldn't even tell his only friend that he loved him because love seemed so strange to a man who has sex for money. It was a sad story that reminded me of others I know and myself.

My life used to be like this man and a lot has changed either by force or by choice. I have never done drugs, but that's not to say that I've never been addicted. I still suffer from many addictions and there are days I feel nothing.

This last weekend I made a small inventory of my current life and became overwhelmed with my internal budget. I saw how much energy goes needlessly to parts of my life that would be better off removed from me.

Lately, I have been struggling to come to grips with the realities of my life. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't figure out my life; do my laundry, clean my room, organize and simplify. I did an amazing job this last couple days doing just that; seriously, if you ever need someone to spring clean, I'm the guy.

Being behind in school, struggling financially, having a pet die and enduring a long, sunless winter in a big, loud city has made it difficult to concentrate on my life. I really just want to go somewhere warm and feel alive again. I might even have to resort to tanning just to get some UV rays in my system. I miss San Diego with all my heart and though you never heard it from me, I sort of miss Atlanta, too. I think the reason for being somewhat homesick has little to do with the weather compared to being close to family and close friends.

I am hoping to make a comeback soon. I 'd like to reach my goals this year that include catching up with my schoolwork, getting my finances on track and focusing more on the good in my life and the good I can do for others. It's easy to be selfish in times of need and personal crisis, but I know that when I am stuck in a pit, the best way out is to help others that are in the pit with me.

I need an emotional, mental, spiritual and probably even, physical detox to leave behind the toxins in my life and replace them with healthy nourishment. It's no surprise that, though I am still undetectable, my T-Cells keep dropping. Stress can cause T-Cells to be more vulnerable and weaken my overall state of being. My hope is to kick my body, mind and spirit into gear and continue the race I started.

I have faith in my close friends and family that they will continue to be a support in my life no matter what my needs may be. I have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, that they will aid me in my journey through detox and complete wholeness.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

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