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Thursday, January 30, 2014

looking for baggage that goes with mine



In the early morning I was in between consciousness as I slept. There was a vivid dream that kept my attention that was too captivating to ignore. Some of my dreams are better classified as visions because they are so intense and memorable that I know there is a message that must be deciphered.

The earliest memory I have of the dream is of me in the process of moving to a new place. I decided I needed to go to church to get some help or support, but it wasn't clear what kind of support I needed, it was just important that I go to church. The place I moved to was more suburban because there were no buses or trains that I can recall. I walked to church and when I got there the building was full of single adults doing some activities, it reminded me of the activity nights I had been to years ago.

When I entered I asked someone if there was a computer that I could use for awhile. After sometime on the computer I went back downstairs where the single adults were still mingling. I needed a ride home and a good looking man agreed to take me home.

Then the dream skipped to me inside his house and it was obvious to me that he was also gay because we were being intimate together. After being intimate with him he told me I should leave and I was absolutely shocked. I had no way to get home and in the other room all my belongings were strewn all over the place. I felt embarrassed, used, and very vulnerable. While feeling sad, angry, and depressed, I was alone with all my belongings and scrambling to stuff it all into my suitcases. It was so difficult to fit all my things into my bags and it aggravated and frustrated me even more.

As I finished packing I realized something was missing and I couldn't find it anywhere. Finally, I went into the livingroom to ask this man about my missing item. The item was a tank top and I asked him, "Do you know where my tank top is...do you have it...?" This is when I realized other men where in the room. The livingroom was very dark and there were other men in the room and I didn't know which one was the man that told me to leave. I continued, "oh sorry..." Someone answered back, "No, I don't know where your tank top that says 'Oh Sorry' is...but I guess I should say I'm sorry for all this mess." Then he chuckled a bit. The other men laughed and muttered things under their breath. I was so annoyed that I just left, that's when I woke up.

I woke up immediately feeling like the dream really meant something and had a message for me to feel and understand. My friend and I discussed it for a bit and came up with this interpretation.

The dream is about relationships. Every attempt at a relationship has turned out poorly. The end of any relationship has left me feeling sad, angry, depressed and very vulnerable. I'm not sure that going to the church had anything to do with the dream, but maybe it has to do with the fact the my last relationship was with someone of the same religion, so in a way we met through church or we had that in common. Each breakup requires me to collect my baggage that I brought to the relationship, which is an agonizing task. Each time I have a feeling like something of mine is missing and the other person doesn't know where it is or they do, but they don't care about me getting it back. This is symbolic of me giving a part of myself to the other person that I will never get back and it leaves me feeling annoyed, bitter, sad, angry or depressed.

Overall, I believe the dream was a message to me to not commit so easily to any guy that comes along and wants to date me. I feel it means that I should be aware of the baggage I am bringing into the relationships I have, including friendships or any other relationships with co-workers and family members. There may be other interpretations, but it seems like this is the one that fits the most. It also makes sense to me to include that I am somewhat nomadic because I move around a lot and may sub-consciously be avoiding stability and commitment which also effects my feelings toward long-term relationships. There's a lot about this dream which seems so pertinent to my current situation and what I may need to learn for the future. I wonder what more I may have learned had I slept much longer.

The truth is we all have some emotional baggage we bring to our relationships. One of my favorite lines from the musical  RENT goes: "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine."

You have been caught Jey Walking!


4 comments:

Trevor said...

I also strongly believe in some dreams having a meaning for our life. This interpretation seems pretty sound for the dream and circumstances you have found yourself in.

I am glad you have been able to glean the message that was meant from your dream. Here's to a better relationship in the future!

Nate Oxymormon said...

That song has always been a motto of mine. None of us is baggage-free. We just have to be cognizant of what baggage works best with our own - so we can have matching sets. :)

And now, thanks. I have this stuck in my head:

"I should tell you
I've got baggage too
...should tell you
baggage...
WINE AND BEER!!!"

Rance said...

Mr. Jey...this was beautiful! I thought I was the only one who felt this type of pain...its good to know we are not alone! Love you.

Brandon H. said...

I loved reading this Jey. Thank you for sharing your heart. I can relate. I would like to go to a Church function, meet a sweet kindhearted guy and begin a relationship - just like straight members do, and take for granted. That makes sense to me since my values and love for the gospel have not changed.

I've had similar dreams, and there is always some reason the relationship doesn't work out. It's often expectations or pressure from other church members, with a bit of homophobia always an important theme.

For 15 years I lived out of a suitcase, so to speak. It seems natural for me. Even though I have lived in this house in Bountiful for 10 years now, I have never felt settled - like I belong here.