where i am

One year ago my decision was clear and final: it was time to move back to New York City. Since I was struggling to figure out my path in Pittsburgh, along with my daily panic attacks, I just had to leave. There were too many moments when ideas or feelings centered around vanishing or dying were too frequent to ignore. With the amazing help from my best friend, I was rescued and brought back to the home I knew all to well.

My plan was to get a job, go back to graduate school and finish the six courses left of my degree, start paying bills, become financially and emotionally stable, and be happy.  With plenty of effort, sacrifice, sweat, tears, and emotional shutdowns, I feel as though I haven't moved an inch in 365 days.

• Four jobs in 365 days.
• Accepted to graduate school, but unable to pay for classes, textbooks, and supplies due to loan rejection.
• Unable to start paying bills due to lack of income.
• Not financially stable
• Barely emotionally stable. 

One of the big things on the list above is going back to school to finish my Master's degree. Having the degree would allow me to be at the top of the list for most of the jobs I am seeking. Unfortunately, the cost of going to school without loans of any kind keeps me from my goal. I am looking into state grants for Adult Continuing Education, but living in NYC I am competing against thousands or millions of others for the same grant money. So, if you know anyone that would like to help me finish my degree, please have them donate $10,000, preferably $15,000. Bueller...Bueller??? Exactly.

Now, the great news is that I connected with someone I've been acquainted with for six years. We have been dating for six months and I am very happy and lucky in love. Part of me wants to believe that I was meant to come back here to find John at just the right time in both of our lives. What I keep reminding myself of is that if John was the only good thing to happen to me in NYC, then coming back and staying here is worth all the negative parts of my life.

John is an optimistic and loveable soul. Whenever I am being my realistic (pessimistic) self, he always tries to find a way to make me laugh, smile, or at least relax. We both have our baggage, but ours seem to match in a lot of ways. We are learning about the idiosyncrasies of our personalities and behaviors. Our relationship has taught me a lot about myself and how I interact and react to people, places, things and...problems. 

This is where I am. I am caught in between having the relationship I have always wanted and needed and a life full of hard decisions and struggles. Guess what that means, I'm human and slightly normal...I said slightly!

I'm not here to complain, but rather to explain what is going on in my life. I need all the motivation, encouragement, and prayers I can get. The world is getting tougher, meaner, and scarier day by day and I am just trying to find a way to keep my head above water and make sense of it all.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

"Where I Am"

 

I have stumbled, how I fell

Ive seen more hurtin'
On this road back from hell
Than I would wish on anyone

For everything I faced in this world
It seemed the darkest
With the devil at my door
But with time comes the truth

And Ive had to go through the worst
To get to the best Ive ever been

I thought no one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance

Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

I have recovered, I am home

Now I believe in heaven
My hurt's my own, the battle's won
Those demons gone

And Ive had to go through the worst

To get to the best Ive ever been

I thought no one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance

Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

No one could love the kind of fool I was
No one was brave enough to take that chance
 

Then you lifted me so unselfishly
You reached out your hands and caught me
Its your love that brought me where I am

And Ive had to go through the worst
To get to the best Ive ever been

Songwriters
COCHRAN, TAMMY LYNN/POLK, WILLIAM THOMAS III./THOMPSON, VERLON K.

Published by
Lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc., EMI Music Publishing