medical update...been awhile

After one year of being undetectable, I am no longer undetectable. I am at 78 viral load which is still pretty good but my T-cells have dropped down to 500. I am also having a thyroid problem which is not helping. At any rate, I feel great and my doctor says this is probably a normal fluctuation, so please no worries...prayers yes, worries no. Love ya all! Jey

let freedom ring!

This has maybe been the craziest birthday ever in my life; I just turned 31! As always I looked for a way to make it a blast for me and a few friends. This year I decided to debut my alter ego, Savannah Gorgeous. I thought by doing something outrageously crazy, I would have an awesome birthday. I did have a blast, as did my friends in attendance, but it wasn't everything I was looking for; there was something missing.

The next night on my actual birthday, a friend and I had an delicious dinner at Emporium Brazil and then went to see "La Cage Aux Folles" on Broadway. If you don't know, this play/musical was what the American movie, The Birdcage, was based on. The show was extremely awesome. I was in tears when I heard, "I Am What I Am" and "The Best of Times is Now" live for the first time. I got to meet the cast afterward and get autographs, including an autograph and photograph with the infamous Kelsey Grammar. I thought that this would be the best part of my birthday; it was exciting but there was still something missing.

We went to down to Billy's Bakery in Chelsea for dessert after the show and to my surprise was given a huge chocolate cake with vanilla buttercream frosting for free. I still have some left, so if you want some, let me know. I took the cake to a bar and shared it with some new friends over some drinks. Later, we went dancing until nearly 5am. I had an amazing time, but there was something missing and I couldn't quite tell what it was.

The next day was a lazy Saturday of sleeping in and some light cleaning. It wasn't until later that night when I went to my room to relax and sat by my piano and played a few hymns. A feeling of 'ahhhhhh' came over me; it was so nice to play the piano and hear the beautiful hymns being played. The last hymn I played before retiring to bed was, "Rise Up, O Men of God." Something touched my heart when I read the words and sang them to myself, along with my piano.

"Rise up, O men of God!
Have done with lesser things.
Give heart and soul and mind and strength
To serve the King of Kings.

Rise up, O men of God,
In one united throng.
Bring in the day of brotherhood
And end the night of wrong.

Rise up, O men of God!
Tread where his feet have trod.
As brothers of the Son of Man,
Rise up, O men of God!"

Hymn #324

I slept that night with a feeling a peace that had come over me. When I awoke on the beautiful Fourth of July sabbath morning, I was excited to put on my red, white and blue outfit and sing patriotic hymns as loudly as I could at church. I was even on time to our nine o'clock meeting time. I was giddy when I walked in and heard "The Star-Spangled Banner" being played as prelude. I picked up the program and to my dismay we were not planning to sing any patriotic hymns. I was shocked, but I stayed calm; most likely the person in charge forgot it was the Fourth of July and the Bishopric would make the changes needed. Nope.

We started our meeting singing "I Believe in Christ;" I have to admit that the hymn always gets to me and touches me spiritually. We went right into the sacrament by singing, "While of These Emblems We Partake." By this point in the meeting I could barely sing the words, especially the fourth verse.

"But rise triumphant from the tomb,
And in eternal splendor bloom,
Freed from the pow'r of death and pain,
With Christ, the Lord, to rule and reign."

Hymn #174

As always, I just looked on as others take the sacrament and for some reason I took a huge gulp as it passed by. I had this feeling like I was thirsty and hungry and it wasn't because I was fasting; it was a spiritual feeling that came over me. I tried to ignore it and let it go but it remained.

The bishop's counselor (who was incidentally alone on the stand) began the testimony meeting. His 15 month old son had been recently diagnosed with diabetes and it has troubled their family. It was heartbreaking to see a father break down in tears talking about the love he has for his son. He testified of this life only being temporary and that we will rise again without diseases or ailments because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Though there was only a few in attendance, many others went up and testified; not of our country or anything patriotic, which I assumed would be the case, but of something more grand and glorious; the Atonement and the love of God.

What happened at the end of the meeting is what has left me in quite a state of shock. After five long years of excommunication that has been devoid of bearing testimonies over the pulpit, the spirit told me to stand up and testify and I did.

It was one of those moments where I can't remember quite what I said. I admitted that I had been excommunicated and was living with HIV. I talked about how I felt like a castaway on 'LOST' that was wondering around, unaware of my true state of being. I talked about the thing which was missing in my life: FREEDOM. It was my perfect spiritual independence day, to which I exclaimed, let freedom ring!

The moment that overcame me the most is when I said that I could either live life like I was dying or live life like I was living. I could see myself as dead in the grave or I can see myself resurrected with my Father in Heaven. I have to say after a lot of searching, I believe I found what I am looking for; it lies within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The gospel of Jesus Christ saves people like me and everyone everywhere from spiritual prison and death. It gives me freedom and that's what I am looking for. My hope now is that I will have the courage to follow Him into the waters of re-baptism, keep His commandments and do His will; serving Him and not my selfish desires.

The meeting ended in a somber way as we sang "I Know My Father Lives." The spirit of the hymn and the quiet expression of faith and devotion could be felt all around the chapel. It was one of those times I am glad to say I was there. It wasn't a wild drag show, a lovely dinner, a riotous Broadway production, free cakes, drinking and dancing all night long. It wasn't a meeting filled with patriotic pomp and circumstance, it was an hour or so of meditation, peace, faith and the pure love of Christ; a moment of spiritual freedom I desperately needed.

I want to express my gratitude for my friends and family who have always treated me with respect and love. Those who have never stopped thinking of me and praying for me. I am so grateful for the plan of peace and happiness that allows me to be free and to feel the love of God in my life continually.

"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28, 35-39

I love you my friends!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9xBV1_iTcg

THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO BE FREE
Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir

There is a wall that has been standing since the day that Adam fell
Sin is where it started and sin is why it held
Speakin’ as a prisoner who was there and lived to tell
I remember how it fell

I can hear the sound of freedom like a distant voice who called
And beckon me to follow where I had never gone
And though my heart is willin’, I just stood there at the wall
Prayin’ somehow it would fall

But in a cross I found a doorway and a hand that held a key
And when the chains fell at my feet, for the first time I could see

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

There are days when I’m reminded of the prison I was in
Like a livin’ nightmare burning deep within
I can feel the voice of evil, I can hear the call of sin
But I won’t go back again

See, once I’ve tasted freedom then the chains could bind no more
Since mercy gave me wings to fly like an eagle I can soar

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah

Somewhere there’s a prison where the chains still burn
If not for the grace of God those walls could still be mine
So far all the captives are saved

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free

This is how it feels to be free
This is what it means to know that I am forgiven
This is how it feels to be free
To see that life can be more that I imagined
This is how it feels to be free
This is how it feels to be free, yeah
This is how it feels to be free

jey walking

So many random thoughts converge at once in my mind and somehow I have to separate them and interpret their meaning.

I was looking at a few take-out menus for lunch ideas which led me to playing with the magnet that holds them up on my board. After awhile I put the magnet back up and my eye caught the attention of a quote I placed on my board back in January.

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."
~Martin Luther King Jr.

I started writing a post this morning about the topic of underpromising and overdelivering, but deleted it. After seeing this quote hours later, I realize what my topic for today really is...where is Jey walking to?

This blog is supposed to be about my life, adventures, enlightenment, inspiration, memories and most of all, my path or journey though this life. That's why I chose the name Jey Walking. Jaywalking (Jeywalking) is first, an offense in which a person illegally (or legally) crosses the road. And secondly, it represents me; Jey, walking or traveling through life, learning lessons and sharing them with you. It may be true that, in this life, I have illegally crossed the road while on this journey.

I've reached a point in my life where I no longer no where I am going. I thought I always knew. From an early age, I could tell you my plans for the future, whether it was to be the President of the United States, a judge, an artist/designer, a veterinarian or Broadway headliner/superstar. I went to school to study Advertising and thought that would be what I would do with my life. Then I graduated and went straight into graduate school for a degree almost unrelated to the first, Nonprofit Management. Now I am approaching graduation next May and I am wondering where I will go next.

I can admit freely that I am lost. I don't know whether to retrace my steps, hug a tree or start a fire that spells HELP or SOS.

Everyday I wake up and wonder what I will not accomplish, even though I have good intentions to complete necessary tasks and assignments. This is also indicated by my bedroom that never ceases to be messy, even after I clean it. I've always felt that the cleanliness or organization of one's living situation reflects the cleanliness or organization of one's mind. If my room is a mess, maybe I am, too.

So the whole point of this ramble is that I don't want to be like this anymore, but everytime I try to get out the mess, it seems to creep back in. How can I trust that it won't occur everytime I try to make my life work?

The answer is the quote above.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that I am a very determined person who gets caught up or distracted by other things I become determined about. She told me that I am so powerful and determined that if I were to just focus on the one thing it would happen because that's how determined a person I am.

I thought about what she had said and pondered about my life and the choices I make. The mess in my life comes from not staying focused on one singular goal or idea or task, but several at the same time. That causes more mess.

I think, I will need to make a list of all my interests, goals, dreams or ideas and prioritize them. For instance, getting my degree is more important right now than thinking about where I am going to live after I graduate. There are plenty of other examples that are a little more private to me. I laugh to myself when I say that because what is private anymore these days? See, I was just about to go off topic, but I stopped myself.

I want Jey to know where he is walking towards. Right now it's like I am walking backwards because I worry so much about what will or might happen next or down the road, rather than what is happening now, in the present.

Faith is taking a step into the unknown, but it doesn't mean one can't have a plan. The problem is people like me think we can control the way things work and happen and our plans are based on that presumed fact. Plans should be based on our needs and good desires and include what God would have us do. After all, who is the Master that knows all, oversees everything and does so with order and wisdom? Yes, He is.

I know that for my life to truly become less messy and more clean I must seek guidance from God and become more like Him, the god of order, truth and light. It will require faith in every foot step along the remainder of this journey here and beyond.

My hope is that Jey will be Walking in the right direction soon. Your prayers are welcomed here.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

jesus, savior

I decided after watching Greyson Michael Chance show his skills on YouTube that I should start sharing mine as well.

Here is my first home video performance. It's not my best, but it's a start. The medley is titled Jesus, Savior and includes four hymns:

Jesus, Once of Humble Birth
In Humility Our Savior
There is a Green Hill Far Away
O Savior Thou Who Wearest a Crown

I hope you like it - there's hopefully more to come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gyM908DbxPs

You have been caught Jey Walking!

my soul's sincere desire

Let me begin by saying I have been avoiding this post; it will be difficult to write this without expressing a few tears; both of sadness and joy.

About three months ago I asked my roommate what his favorite hymn was. I like to arrange medleys for the piano and I needed a fresh idea; after all there are only so many hymns. After a long moment of thought, he told me his favorite hymn was Secret Prayer; it's on my top 100. Quickly I ran through the hymnbook and thought of songs that would capture the essence of the power of prayer and communal with God, our Father. I had know idea what I was about to get myself into.

I am a storyteller; so I like to study lyrics and really feel the power of the melody of the song I am playing. Then I rip it apart and try to make it more emotional and dramatic to remove the "hymn" sound and add what I call the movie soundtrack moment. When I play the piano, no one sings, so I need to pull in the emotion of the words into the music itself. The process that I use is a gift from God because I don't read music, I just hear emotions and melody combined and play it on the piano. It's hardy ever perfect; but then it can't be, that's not the purpose, it's supposed to be raw and unrefined.

Anyway, so the story with Secret Prayer is about someone who may not be the most faithful person, but is struggling constantly to keep God on his/her mind. Each day this person finds a moment to ponder life and his/her relationships to God, family, friends and neighbors. Even though the song says that this person kneels in secret prayer, the truth is that the person rarely finds or takes a moment to do so, but takes the time to reflect, ponder and prayer in his/her mind, heart and soul; little prayers of hope, encouragement, safety, comfort, joy and peace.

I found a way to play Secret Prayer with a little bit more intensity that would draw out the moments that this person is reflecting or pondering and how powerful that is for them in that moment. After I found a suitable version, I added the hymn O My Father to symbolize the actual words the person is thinking or praying to themselves. I have always loved the last verse I suppose because I often utter them in my prayers.

"When I leave this frail existence, when I lay this mortal by,
Father, Mother, may I meet you, in your royal courts on high?
Then, at length, when I've completed all you sent me forth to do,
With your mutual approbation, let me come and dwell with you."

When they are finished with their thoughts, they still feel fear and doubt about any possible resolution to their pain and grief or troubles and so next, I added Where Can I Turn For Peace. The entire hymn really captures both the pain the person is feeling with the fear and doubt on their shoulders and the realization that God will see them through.

"Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?
Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know?
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.

He answers privately.
Reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds
For my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind.
Love without end."

At the end of this hymn the person realize that they are in God's hand and He will guide and comfort then through this journey of life. They don't want the spirit to leave and certainly the feeling of grace and peace, so I added a medley of Abide with Me and Abide with Me 'Tis Eventide as the end of the entire medley. My favorite verse of Abide With Me really illustrates the pleading with the spirit and the Lord to stay nearby.

"I need thy presence ev'ry passing hour.
What but thy grace can foil the tempter's pow'r?
Who, like thyself, my guide and stay can be?
Thru cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me!"

I practiced and practiced to make it all sound sincere, dramatic, thought-provoking and raw. I found myself playing the medley whenever I came home from school or work. Everytime I played the medley I would break down and cry. Sometimes it was from an overwhelming feeling of comfort and peace from the spirit and other times it was from deep sorrow and sadness. This medley has become my personal song.

One Sunday afternoon I came home after church and started playing this medley, suddenly my eyes glanced at the other page of the simplified accompaniments hymnbook and saw a verse of another hymn that struck me deep within my heart. I was caught up with emotion and cried my eyes out.

"Prayer is the contrite sinner's voice, returning from his ways,
While angels in their songs rejoice, and cry, "Behold he prays!"

I looked at other verses:

"Prayer is the soul's sincere desire, uttered or unexpressed,
The motion of hidden fire, that trembles in the breast."

"Prayer is the burden of a sigh, the falling of a tear,
The upward glancing of an eye, when none but God is near."

These verses encapsulate the story I was trying to tell with my medley of hymns. Prayer isn't always about getting on one's knees and bowing our heads. Some of my longest prayers on my knees have been selfish and unnecessary; however, some of my most powerful prayers have been simple thoughts, a verse of a hymn, a scripture, a moment of pondering, among others. We are judged more by what is in our hearts, than by what is uttered from our lips.

Today I sat down to play some music while a storm outside raged on. I started to play part of my medley and it struck me again. This time it was a reminder to write this experience down.

There is a power in music, lyrics, feelings, reflections and ponderings. Never underestimate the power of an unuttered prayer; let your heart pray more than your lips. My soul's sincere desire is to love God and express that love through music and to others around me through service, love and friendship.

"When sailing on life's stormy sea, 'mid billows of despair,
'Tis solace to my soul to know God hears my secret prayer.

When thorns are strewn along my path, and foes my feet ensnare,
My Savior to my aid will come, if sought in secret prayer.

May my heart be turned to pray, pray in secret day by day,
That this boon to mortals giv'n, may unite my soul to heav'n."

You have been caught Jey Walking!

dying to live

These days I find it difficult to unwind, un-do and unplug, but today's ride home I received a gift.

I love music and Jonny Lang. Jonny Lang was introduced to me by my friend Jennifer who has a similar love for music and Jonny Lang.

Today I was listening to my collection of music and out of nowhere I came to this song that, within a few lyrics captured my attention. It may be one of the best sounding songs I've read and listened to in a long time.

Take a looksie:

Dying to Live
written by Edgar Winter, 1971

You know I've heard it said there's beauty in distortion
By some people who withdraw to find their head
And they say there is humor in misfortune
No, I wonder if they'll laugh when I am dead

[Chorus]
Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there ain't nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give
When no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die

You know some people say that values are subjective
But they're just speaking words
That someone else has said
And so they live and fight and kill with no objective
Sometimes its hard to tell the living from the dead

[Chorus]

You know I used to weave
My words into confusion
And so I hope you'll understand me
When I'm through
You know I used to live my life as an illusion
But reality will make my dream come true

So I'll keep fighting to live
Till there's no reason to fight
And I'll keep trying to see
Until the end is in sight
You know I'm trying to give
So come on
Give me a try
You know I'm dying to live
Until I'm ready to die

I don't know how that song hits you, but I know for me, it's priceless. Another magical moment in musical history.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o5LWcNg9LI

wishing you were somehow here again

From a very early age, I fell in love with musical theater. I, among many others, dreamed of a day I would headline a Broadway show. My grandmother who raised me never really seem to believe I had what it took to be a star; so neither did I. I am not blaming her for any of my failed dreams; but rather wishing I could have proved her wrong. She never said I couldn't do it; she rather pointed out my flaws and told me I would have to work harder to be a professional. I took that as a lack of confidence. She loved to hear me sing, most of the time. Her favorite song that I would sing to her was Music of the Night. When I taught myself how to play a medley of Phantom of the Opera songs, she loved that as well. My dream was to be the Phantom and have my grandmother sit in the best seat of the house and watch me sing before a sold out crowd on Broadway. I wanted her to see the applause I would get and the standing ovation. I wanted to be able to hand a bouquet of red roses to her while on stage so everyone could see my mother; the mother of a star. Obviously this dream never really took off.

My grandmother and I were an odd couple; we were more like best friends than relatives. I think that's why it was so hard for her to discipline me into the person she wanted me to be. We had our disputes, we went everywhere together and we even shared secrets amidst laughter and tears. We loved each other. She means everything to me.

When The Phantom of the Opera came out in the movie theater, I had a chance to come home to San Diego and watch it with my grandmother. We were in absolute awe. I had never seen a production of Phantom in my life; I had only listened to Michael Crawford and Sarah Brightman sing it on the original soundtrack, over and over again. It was a magical moment for the both of us.

Two years later after seeing the movie together, my best friend passed away and I can only hope see has continued to watch over me. She took me aside before her death and asked me to sing for her funeral and I agreed. I didn't dare sing Music of the Night at her funeral, but my sister sang an altered version of Think of Me that was another favorite of hers that my sister sang beautifully. I sang a song titled Mama from Il Divo, which was a request of my aunts on behalf of the family. I got a chance to do a show for my grandmother before she died in which I sang Music of the Night and played my piano medley of Phantom music. She was in tears as was I. Thinking back on that day, I realized she was giving me the chance to show her I was a star; I didn't need to be on Broadway to prove it to her.

Now I have been to New York a few times and, of course, now I live here. So anyone would assume that a fanatic like me would have seen Phantom a million times over. It actually wasn't until last Friday that I finally went to see it. Yikes! I think, subconsciously, it felt wrong without my grandmother with me. However, it wasn't long after the music started that I felt her sitting beside me and enjoying the show. Another magical moment my best friend and I got to share.

Since then I have been like Christine, wishing her dead father and best friend were somehow alive again and able to see her grow up and rise to become a star. She begs for him to come back and guide her and to let her hear his voice again. In the end she realizes she has to move on otherwise the pain of not having him there will engulf her.

I miss my dear friend and mother and wish I could just call her like I used to. She would always bear her testimony to me of the gospel and of Jesus Christ. She would always tell me she was praying for me, to which I would always respond, "Well, someone has to." I know I am not the only one who has lost someone near and dear to their soul, but I can't help to express my loneliness and grief that I feel without her tangibly here in my life.

She always told me when I was being a brat that I should be grateful for her because she was my best friend; the only one who knew the real me and still loved me anyway, besides God. She was right and I miss her, but somehow I have to find a way to move on and know that the picture of us together on my piano and the many memories I have of us is sufficient, for now. The frame in which the picture resides reads: Through Thick and Thin.

You have been caught Jey Walking!



"You were once my one companion
you were all that mattered
You were once a friend and [mother]
then my world was shattered

Wishing you were somehow here again
wishing you were somehow near
Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed,
somehow you would be here

Wishing I could hear your voice again
knowing that I never would
Dreaming of you won't help me to do
all that you dreamed I could

Passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,the wrong companions
you were warm and gentle
Too many years fighting back tears
Why can't the past just die?

Wishing you were somehow here again
knowing we must say goodbye
Try to forgive
teach me to live
give me the strength
to try

No more memories, no more silent tears
No more gazing across the wasted years
Help me say
goodbye."

"Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again"
from Andrew Lloyd Webber's
The Phantom of the Opera