awakening shadows

Never thought life would be reduced to this;
That I would vanish without a real good-bye.
Knowing we will always care for another;
It is not the same; this must be a lie.

We had such times together.
We made the uphill climbs together.
Surviving every kind of weather.
And now the whether or not there will be forever.

Turned upside down wondering,
What am I meant to do?
If there's a new life ahead,
Why would it not be there with you?

Never had a chance to discover.
What are we all about?
Maybe it is just that simple,
And I live in constant doubt?

You say I needed a break;
So, that is why I feel so shattered?
Virtually destroyed; ruined.
My dreams are abruptly tattered.

Asking if I think I will ever come back there,
How could I dare and why?
There has to be a reason,
That I would fly without open eyes.

For now, I will hold on,
But I will not be holding onto you.
It takes everything I have within me,
Not to throw it away for a moment or two.

Who knows what is in store?
What will this new journey bring?
Maybe I am not the only one
Who needs to spread their wings.

Soar as high as you can!
Leave the Earth behind!
Our love for one another,
Will never be lost in time.

Awakening shadows,
Dark and frightening as it may be.
Releases the pain and sorrow,
And all the fear inside of me.

Awakening shadows,
You must do the same!
Find your inner demons,
And give them your name!

Love and a brighter hope;
We carry inside us, the fire!
Through mysteries and darkness,
We will carry one another!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

i bet you never knew this, but i'm bi-coastal

There may be an opportunity to move to Los Angeles/West Hollywood near the end of summer to start a job that runs through November. It's exactly the type of job I want to do, but it means leaving the great city of convenience that is New York City. The twist is that I could actually move back and forth, if I remained with the company, which is never a given. January through June in New York and July through December in California; it's really my dream come true. I just don't know if the timing is right or how it will turn out for me.

In NYC, my medical care and medicine is completely covered. Here, I rely on the subway to take me everywhere, whereas, LA's public transportation is not as extensive. Being a CA native, I know I would need a car if I wanted to get away, especially being so close to San Diego family and friends. Not having a car in CA can be a nightmare, but driving there is one, as well. Aside from these things, I have also grown with friends and places here. My cats are New Yorkers and even though it's only been four years, so am I. I have always dreamed I would live out a majority of my adulthood here. Maybe I will, but not in the way I dreamed it.

The advantages of living in LA are obvious: the climate, the weather, the lack of precipitation, the sunshine; whatever you want to call it, it's my true love. Also, I love the laid back culture of Southern California, the palm trees lining the boulevards, the beautiful beaches (the beautiful lifeguards), authentic Mexican food, fresh citrus and avocados (and guacamole), and so much more. 

New York is my mistress, but California is my wife.

"I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell..."

I always make decisions based on instinct, my gut, my heart, and not so much with whatever intellect I may have. The mind gets easily confused, but the core of me really knows what I am looking for. 

In 1999, I knew I was supposed to move to Georgia; 

the answer just came.

In 2003, I knew I was supposed to move to Washington, D.C., 

the answer just came.

In 2004, I knew I was supposed to move back to Georgia, 

the answer just came.

In 2008, I knew I was supposed to move to New York, 

the answer just came.

Those answers came after thinking, pondering, feeling, meditating, praying, searching, talking to others, and then making a choice and waiting for validation or confirmation that the choice I made was correct. That confirmation never came before I left, but much later when I reflected on the move and my choices. Every move, every opportunity has taught me something about myself and has made it possible to serve others in a way I would not been able to elsewhere. I know I have crossed paths with people in my life only because of taking such leaps of faith, journeying into the unknown.

Will I one day reflect on moving to LA and know that it was the right choice to make?

I guess I'll never know unless I do it.

You've been caught Jey Walking!

reading is fundamental...so read this!

Hello my friends,

Here is the updated version of my book:

undetectable VISIONARY

This book is a fundraiser for AIDS Walk New York!

The book is only $19.95, plus tax and shipping.
However, $10 (100% of the profits) goes to
AIDS Walk New York!

Not only are you supporting me as a writer, 
you're supporting me as a fundraiser and activist for 
AIDS Walk New York. 

In its 27 years, AIDS Walk New York has inspired nearly 845,000 people to walk, and millions more to donate, raising more than $122 million to combat HIV and AIDS. The funds raised at the event remain a vital lifeline that sustains GMHC's prevention, care, and advocacy programs for the thousands of men, women, and families affected by the disease in the tri-state area. AIDS Walk New York is the largest single-day AIDS fundraising event in the world. 

Visit GMHC to learn more about its life-sustaining programs and services.

Please consider what your donation really means to me, the people who continue to fight against HIV/AIDS, and those who rely on GMHC's programs and services everyday. 

BUY undetectable VISIONARY today and make a difference! 

Every Life Deserves HOPE!

thoughts that keep me up until 3am

Every once in awhile the thought comes to me; I should put my life in order so I can be rebaptized. However; when I start thinking of the ways I would need to prepare for rebaptism I back away feeling it to be near impossible. The real question is, do I want it for the right reason?

I like the idea of being a fully-functional member of the church with all the blessings that come with such membership. However; does that mean I am also prepared for all the responsibilities that it entails? I feel like I only want the blessings without the sacrifice. That seems to be a common theme in my life.

I'm coming up on my seventh year of excommunication and I think given my beliefs and way of living, it would make it quite difficult to maintain my membership again. I am gay. I don't believe it is just some sort of "trial" I was given on Earth; this is who I am, among so many other things. I don't have a desire to be with a woman. Sure, the fantasy of living the cookie-cutter heterosexual life seems wonderful, but in reality it would never work.

I also have no desire to be celibate either. I crave affection like any other person and I know I would go insane if I repressed my feelings for another man and did not express myself physically. I do think it would be great to be chaste until married, now that it is legal in New York, but can I find a man willing to wait also? I can barely trust that any guy I am dating isn't dating several other guys at the same time, let alone think he's being chaste before our marriage.

So, back to rebaptism. Maybe the time is not right, maybe it is not now, maybe it is just not going to happen. I guess I have to decide if that's something I can live with; never being a member of the church again. Does that mean I am accepting a lesser degree of heaven, as well? Maybe I am alright with that, too. Sigh.

These are the thoughts that keep me up until 3am.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

someone turn on the light, please

So I am at the point in this journey where and when I have the need to stop and think about where it is I am going. It would be cliche of me, or anyone, to say that I am at a crossroads; I'm not. I am just tired or walking around, aimlessly, in circles. Like most men, I have yet to stop and ask for directions when I am clearly lost.

I looked back on some of my posts housed in this blog and all I read is me, me, me and blah, blah, blah. It's the same crap spewed out over and over again. Whoop-di-do-dah! I've got HIV! Whoop-di do-dah! I'm struggling with A through Z. It's not to say that there haven't been some moments that are precious to me, but there's a lot of it, upon looking back, that gives me a headache.

Where am I going?

I never wanted to make this a place where I would just bitch all the time about my life and everything that's wrong with it. No one wants to read it. I don't want to read it. This blog is really supposed to be inspiring, uplifting and, at the least, enjoyable to read.

I am sitting here on my bed with Porter who keeps giving me those eyes that say, "Hurry up and go to bed."  So I got to go soon.

Anyway, I look around my room and all I can see is a collection of BLAH. That is what this blog has turned into for me. I hope readers have gotten something out of this, but it's time to shift the aura, the attitude and the light of this place. It's beginning to get muggy, musky and dark.

My sincere hope is to bring the readers to a place where they can feel inspired. A place where one can read a post and smile; maybe share it with their friends and have it brighten their day. If this is already the case for you then, great, be prepared for it to get even better. For those who see what I see, the light is coming. Come to the light, Carol-Ann!

Thanks for sticking with me peeps!

You have been caught Jey Walking!

PS. Your prayers are always welcome :D

detox

Last night I watched a man overdose and kill himself because he said he could no longer feel anything.

He was once a successful photographer that turned to a life of addiction and prostitution to get by. In the end he couldn't even tell his only friend that he loved him because love seemed so strange to a man who has sex for money. It was a sad story that reminded me of others I know and myself.

My life used to be like this man and a lot has changed either by force or by choice. I have never done drugs, but that's not to say that I've never been addicted. I still suffer from many addictions and there are days I feel nothing.

This last weekend I made a small inventory of my current life and became overwhelmed with my internal budget. I saw how much energy goes needlessly to parts of my life that would be better off removed from me.

Lately, I have been struggling to come to grips with the realities of my life. I decided to do what I usually do when I can't figure out my life; do my laundry, clean my room, organize and simplify. I did an amazing job this last couple days doing just that; seriously, if you ever need someone to spring clean, I'm the guy.

Being behind in school, struggling financially, having a pet die and enduring a long, sunless winter in a big, loud city has made it difficult to concentrate on my life. I really just want to go somewhere warm and feel alive again. I might even have to resort to tanning just to get some UV rays in my system. I miss San Diego with all my heart and though you never heard it from me, I sort of miss Atlanta, too. I think the reason for being somewhat homesick has little to do with the weather compared to being close to family and close friends.

I am hoping to make a comeback soon. I 'd like to reach my goals this year that include catching up with my schoolwork, getting my finances on track and focusing more on the good in my life and the good I can do for others. It's easy to be selfish in times of need and personal crisis, but I know that when I am stuck in a pit, the best way out is to help others that are in the pit with me.

I need an emotional, mental, spiritual and probably even, physical detox to leave behind the toxins in my life and replace them with healthy nourishment. It's no surprise that, though I am still undetectable, my T-Cells keep dropping. Stress can cause T-Cells to be more vulnerable and weaken my overall state of being. My hope is to kick my body, mind and spirit into gear and continue the race I started.

I have faith in my close friends and family that they will continue to be a support in my life no matter what my needs may be. I have faith in God and my Savior, Jesus Christ, that they will aid me in my journey through detox and complete wholeness.

You have been caught Jey Walking!

My Story; My Call for Action

My life is not unlike many others. I too live on the roller coaster that is life; full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Throughout my young adult life I struggled with who I am and I can't say much has changed.

Part of my struggle included depression and choices that made it difficult to keep my head above water. From the age of 15 I became sexually active with guys from school and summer camps. By my senior year in high school I was meeting up with guys in their thirties. I was naive, but looking for love and everything in between. I did whatever my partners told me to do because I didn't know much about sex, so I took their word for it. A lot of time we didn't use protection and I figured I would be ok because they were nice guys. 

Then, I heard that my mother was infected with HIV and that changed my world. If she could be infected, so could I. I started getting tested every now and then and it always came back negative. I reassured myself that because I wasn't a drug user or having sex with dirty guys, I would be alright.By 2005 my mother was living with AIDS, had one T-Cell left and finally started medication. Later that year I got really sick and went to get a full STD screening; the test came back positive for HIV, the first time in seven years of testing. My life changed from that point forward. 

HIV can infect anybody; my mother, my friends, even me. It has not been easy to break bad habits of promiscuity and unprotected sex, but HIV has taught me a lesson about taking care of myself and others. I learned this lesson the hard way when I found out I had infected a friend, even though I thought we were careful. Fortunately, we have received medications, health services and programs are available to us to help us in this new world of HIV. We're both healthy and UNDETECTABLE! 

Many out there don't have as easy access to what we have. Many don't even know they're positive because they don't get tested. Unfortunately, people are still dying of HIV/AIDS. Donating to the AIDS Walk is about HOPE; 

HIV Outreach, Prevention and Education. 

Whatever you can donate is great because it means:

 

one more person KNOWS THEIR HIV STATUS. 

one more person LIVING LONGER. 

one more person PREVENTING AN INFECTION. 

one LESS DEATH.

Please walk with me on May 15th to show your support and/or donate today to my team. Take care and be well my friends!

Click here to donate =====> AIDS Walk 2011 Donation

♥ Jey