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Monday, May 4, 2009

my letter to the one

If there is one thing, maybe one theme, I could express my feelings about to my dear brothers, sisters and friends who may feel the darkness all around them because they too have confusing feelings, desires and attractions toward the same sex/gender that they are not sure of - it would be this-

No matter where, who, or what you are
No matter how you were raised or the lack thereof
No matter your religious background or color of your skin
No matter what your personality or character is like
No matter what your favorites in life are
No matter what the content of your dreams may be

Someone - somewhere has walked down a similar road
You are not the only one
I am your brother and friend!

I feel compelled to express my feelings for my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ. I thank them for allowing me the privilege and honor of living this life with all the trials and experiences I have been through and have yet to travail. One of these trials is being gay - not to say that being so makes me or anyone else bad or evil - but it's certainly not easy - that's for sure! Though, I know that there is one who has suffered more than I.

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation...If thou art accused with all manner of false accusations; if thine enemies fall upon thee...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, the very jaws of hell gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son (daughter), that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?"

"Therefore, hold thy way...fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever."
~ Doctrine & Covenants 122

I am honored to have sacrificed dreams that could have been to feel the pain and anxiety of being different; being gay - the self-loathing, rejection, sorrow, loss, loneliness, exclusion, depression or suicidal thoughts -YES- even the desire for death as so many like me have come to feel and the one too many that have unfortunately succeeded in those desires. I am honored because not only has it brought me closer to my God - it has helped me in being a better friend - a better person to others.

I will not judge those who desire to have what they believe to be their basic rights. I won't lie - I have had desires to settle down with my "dream man" because sometimes - it feels natural, happy and right.

I am not one who judges others who leave their church and/or their families to choose, so often, a destructive lifestyle of drugs, alcohol and promiscuity - how can I? I have been down that road to hell and back, slipping back down and crawling out of the darkness again and again - a continual cycle over the last 12 years.

Neither do I judge those who choose to hide or dismiss their feelings or desires to serve God and their families and go about their day to day because for them - that is their highest priority.

I would not condemn my brothers and sisters who share this battle with me; I will fight along side them. It's hard because we all want different things - but one way or another we have shared so much of the pain and anxiety that is being gay.

Funny that gay used to be a word that meant happy or carefree. For many it still does regardless of context or usage. The reality is that so many of us are hurting inside, feeling lost and afraid of what might be. Many of us don't know which side to choose. The last thing we need is to be judged, slandered or cast aside. I know all I want and need are hugs, friends, support, encouragement, a sense of protection and safety and love - love and kindness from family, friends and my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ.

In the recent years I have come to know more and more - some of the most talented, skilled, supportive, friendly and loving men and women in the world - they just happen to be gay. I have also come to know so many who don't feel they are loved and supported - they are not sure they can trust the world around them not to condemn them for feelings and desires that, not only feel natural and right, but are more often than not - uncontrollable and seem to come from nowhere or deep inside.

So - this message is to the one; to those who are in the darkness of their so called "closets" because of the fear that wells inside of you. I am here. I am your brother. I am your friend. I will love you the best I can. I will support you with all that I know and have. I will walk with you along this rocky, twisted path. I will share this trial with you so you know you are not the only one. I will help carry the load - so that when you are weak you don't have to fall into a pit of despair and even if you do - I will be there to help you out.

I am honored to have been blessed with my life - I have learned to feel with the deepest part of my heart, mind and soul. I have often walked with my Savior to learn from Him how best to sacrifice, serve and love. I hope you will walk with me.

love your brother and friend, Jey

You have been caught Jey Walking! (You can hold my hand if you want too)

PS. Also see, - Ensign Article - None Were with Him


A.Struggler said...

Jey - This was a great post. Thanks for sharing it! I've had many of those same thoughts and feelings. This was helpful to me and I know it will be to others.

Anonymous said...

This is incredible. I feel like you know so much more about this walk than I do, even though I have years more of mortality. I, too, want so much to help others heal. Sometimes it comes out the wrong way. Whether you were inspired by another Jeff's talk (see recent Sunday AM conference talk) or whether you've found your voice even more powerfully than ever before, I salute you. CentralParkWesterner

Debra/Mom said...

Jey, You really are a very special individual. You are loved by many people.
Hugs to you!
Love, Mom May

jey walker gladstone said...

I am glad that this post is of any help to anyone out there. Please forward this blog to others.

I fasted yesterday for a friend and for myself to get through some tough times now and ahead. I woke up this morning and really felt inspired to sit down and write this - I don't know about you - but I feel my prayer was answered.

It is true that God will never leave or forsake us in our hour of need unless it is to help us draw nearer to Him.

Thank you all for your continued love and support.


Troy said...

beautiful :)