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Thursday, August 20, 2009
Today it hit me.
I spent thirty years of my life trying to hold onto to memories, people, places, things and now I want to get rid of half of what I have, but I don't know how to let go.
Letting go, for me, is like purposely choosing to be abandoned. Recently, I have been searching my soul and talking out loud to those who will listen about letting go. Not just of stupid things, negative people or bad places but also letting go of fantasies, dreams of what could of been, false realities and a sense of entitlement, as one friend pointed out to me last year.
None of this belongs to me. Nothing is owed to me. Nothing is mine.
I tend to go into a situation "knowing" that all will work out in my favor and all the odds are in my court. This is a silly, immature fallacy. In the end, I get upset because I am confused to why it didn't turn out my way. One regret I carry is that I didn't take advantage of a wise grandmother, who didn't know much about anything, but knew nothing in life was free and even in the case of friends or family, it takes work to earn what you want; be it love, respect, honor, money or fame. I now wonder if my grandmother cautioned me from overextending myself and setting my expectations so high because at the time she could see I would only do the bare minimum to pass. There's a list of evidence favoring that statement.
I was a good runner with the potential to be a great runner, but I didn't work as hard. I was a good student with the potential to be a great student, but didn't work hard enough; I often lost focus of the end goal. The list goes on for 30 years. I am good at a lot of things with the potential to be great, but I have not been willing to do the work; to focus on the end goal; to push through the pain. Sure, people that know my story will tell me they're impressed because I'm not addicted to drugs, in prison or dead, but that's not good enough for me - I don't think that should be good enough for anyone.
There you have it friends, I am admitting I am not as great as I could be. Some of you might write comments that reassure me otherwise, but please, don't. This isn't a post fishing for compliments - I am writing this for me.
There's a lot wrong with me and what's wrong with me is a list of bad choices, some that haven't been resolved. Today I read an article in the September 2009 Ensign about loving those you know with same-gender attraction; I find the articles about this subject to be interesting because I often think, "how things really are," is left out. However, the author wrote this one line that I really like that I feel I could apply to myself.
It reads, "After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal her." Instead I read it this way, " After all, it is the Savior's role, not mine, to heal me." I am not sure if that's true because I always figured it was my role, as well as the Savior's, to heal me. Apparently I had this notion that I am equal to God and Christ's power. I would never say that, nor is that what I really believe. In thinking I can heal myself or resolve my problems with or without the Savior is ridiculous. Time and time again I am told in blessings, talks and scriptures that it is, "after all we can do..." ~2 Nephi 25:23
Today, it hit me.
I can do all I can do and it will never be enough to match the strength, love and purity of the Savior's. He's not looking for a perfect sculpture; a masterpiece, He's looking for clay.
One of my favorite scriptures reads, "O (Jey), cannot I do with you as this potter? saith the Lord. Behold, as the clay is in the potter's hand, so are ye in mine hand, O (Jey)." ~Jeremiah 18:6
How many times does the Lord have to tell me it's not only okay to let go, it's time to let go? I have built up all this evidence why I have failed in this life because I haven't measured up to a standard I knew I couldn't attain alone. The Lord, on the other hand, as gracious as He eternally is, has volumes of books of evidence proving I am good enough for Him.
I think of Laman and Lemuel; they were not that different from myself. I am no Nephi; I am a rebel who so quickly forgets the mercy of God. I love what Nephi exclaims to his brothers, "How is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds...How is it that ye have not hearkened unto the word of the Lord? How is it that ye have forgotten that ye have seen an angel of the Lord? Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten what great things the Lord has done for us...Yea, and how is it that ye have forgotten that the Lord is able to do all things according to His will, for the children of men, if it so be that they exercise faith in him? Wherefore, let us be faithful to him." ~1 Nephi 7:8-12
I am not a complete rebel, but I have lost some sight of how great the Lord has been to me in my mortal life and on my journey back to Him. Lucky for me, God still loves me. Isaiah wrote and Nephi recorded several times this great phrase or reminder, "but His hand is stretched out still."
I like to believe that the Lord keeps telling me to let go and grab hold of that hand that, "is stretched out still." So, maybe today's a great day for that.
Today it hit me.
It's time to let go.
You have been caught Jey Walking!