phoenix rising

yesterday was burned by phoenix’s fire

yet in the ash embers of hope remain

new dreams give birth in despair

shrouded in darkness i mourn what was

to remember what will be no more

then like the phoenix i will rise

with renewed passion glowing as fire

ash will give way to flame

like the phoenix i will soar again

( based on Amy Sondova's "Phoenix Ashes" )

you have been caught Jey Walking!

endless night

I saw "The Lion King" tonight on Broadway. First, let me say how amazing it really is. I've heard the hype and now I can say that it has not only lived up to its reputation, but is also very worth going and seeing for yourself.

Of course I got teary-eyed during "Circle of Life" - the introduction is beautifully done and I just love the song anyway. But I was more shocked and moved to tears when Simba sang "Endless Night" I found it to be so symbolic of the many thoughts and prayers of my heart that have been sent into the heavens.

Lately, things have gotten a little crazy in my New York City life and I have asked myself how am I going to find my way back - my way home. Like Simba sings, I also know the sun will rise on the night of my depression or heartache.

Here's a snippet and the lyrics for your pleasure:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7AeTFYsBg

Where has the starlight gone?
Dark is the day
How can I find my way home?

Home is an empty dream
Lost to the night
Father, I feel so alone

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

When will the dawning break
Oh endless night
Sleepless I dream of the day

When you were by my side
Guiding my path
Father, I can't find the way

You promised you'd be there
Whenever I needed you
Whenever I call your name
You're not anywhere

I'm trying to hold on
Just waiting to hear your voice
One word, just a word will do
To end this nightmare

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise

I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine

I know that the night must end
And that the sun will rise
And that the sun will rise
I know that the clouds must clear
And that the sun will shine
And that the sun will shine
(Repeat to end)

I know
Yes, I know
The sun will rise
Yes, I know
I know
The clouds must clear

I know that the night must end
I know that the sun will rise
And I'll hear your voice deep inside

I know that the night must end
And that the clouds must clear
The sun
The sun will rise
The sun
The sun will rise

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Hakuna Mata!)

the wanderering stranger

A couple of weeks ago I was on my way to the doctor's office to get my latest test results. While on the train I decided to listen to the "Reflections of Christ" soundtrack (check it out!) I began to ponder the trail of disaster I have left behind me in my lifetime. I thought about all the people I've wronged, harmed, hurt or ignored. I thought about lives I may have destroyed or changed negatively. I thought about how many times the Savior has come to my undeserving rescue - all the miracles I have benefited from unworthily.

While these thoughts overwhelmed my mind and tugged on my heart strings, the song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" One of the verses gets me every time:

"Jesus sought me when a stranger,
wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
interposed his precious blood."

I began to weep - which isn't hard for me to do - I admit openly that I am quite the sensitive person and am prone to crying, but not so much in public, in NYC or on a subway. I couldn't help it. Like the song says, Jesus has sought me even when I have ignored him, left him or was trying to run from him. He calls after me by name, with open arms, waiting to see me and hold and protect me once more (but not in a weird, stalker way).

As my thoughts turned to the Savior the next verse hit me with just as much magnitude:

"O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;"

I began to silently pray to God:

"Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above."

If that wasn't enough the following song was "Amazing Grace" - so obviously the same feelings swelled up within me. As I continued towards my appointment other songs that sent powerful messages to me were "Be Still, My Soul" and then "Jesus, Lover of My Soul"

At that point all of this withholding of tears and sniffling and thoughts swirling around from my mind to heart through my soul got to me. I stopped near a somewhat secluded spot off the sidewalk and just let it out-I was compelled to kneel down right there to pray, but it's NYC so my fear overcame my faith.

Once I was able to regain some sense of "normalcy" I looked up at some a group of small birds washing themselves in the puddles of fresh rainwater on the ground. Maybe I am weird or taking it the wrong way, but it just seem to remind of the Atonement. In some way, it seemed the Spirit was saying - yes, you have sinned and have done some terrible things to yourself and many, many others - BUT - you can be cleansed, made whole again - Christ has died for you TOO and He will accept you if you will accept Him. I love little birds fluttering in puddles of water while the sun shines down on them - it's a beautiful sight, unless they're pigeons.

If this weren't enough of a story I finally made it to my doctor's office. I am sure I scared some people getting an HIV test as I walked into an HIV/AIDS clinic crying my eyes out-but maybe they needed to see it.

I got my results and in case you haven't heard...

After less than a month of medication, my T-cells went up from 360 to 444 and my viral load plummeted down from 68,811 to 476. To be considered "undetectable" my viral load must drop below 48 copies. My goal is to be undetectable before my 30th birthday in July, but in all likelihood - it will happen by the next time I get tested in March.

So, what's this post about? I meant to write it the day this all happened - I had so much to say about the miracle God has granted me. I have so much gratitude for those who fasted with me before I took the medication and for those who continue to pray on my behalf.

I bear you my testimony that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is for everyone; yes, you and me too. He died for our sins, sicknesses, sadness, trials, tribulations, even our lost dreams and so much more - that's why it is infinite. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that He know me by name and loves me still. It's amazing and truly a blessing.

You have been caught Jey Walking! (Doubt not; Fear not!)

the change resolution

So I felt strongly that I should post something today, like so many other people, regarding the New Year 2009 and my resolutions - then I was inspired by these lyrics - the performance is awesome! (see below) I just love how music and lyrics can inspire and touch me like this song.
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGib_RkauZE

I Am Changing from Dreamgirls

Effie:

Look at me, Look at me
I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
I'm trying to find a way to understand
But I need you, I need you
I need a hand

I am changing
Seeing everything so clear
I am changing
I'm gonna start right now, right here
I'm hoping to work it out
And I know that I can
But I need you, I need a hand

All of my life I've been a fool
Who said I can do it on my own?
How many good friends have I already lost?
How many dog nights have I known?
Walking down that wrong road
There was nothing I could find
All those years of darkness
Could make a person blind
But now I can see

I am changing
Trying every way I can
I am changing
I'll be better than I am
But I need a friend
To help me start all over again
That would be just fine
I know it's gonna work out this time
'Cause this time I am
This time I am

I am changing
I'll get my life together now
I am changing
Yes I know how
I'm gonna start again
I'm gonna leave my past behind
I'll change my life
I'll make a vow
Nothings gonna stop me now

gold

Every Christmas season I am reminded of one of the gifts brought to Christ at His birth by the wise men: gold. I often wonder what gift I could give to my Savior for the many gifts He has given to me; what could I place on the altar for Him.

In Job 23:10 it reads that, "But He knoweth the way that I take: when He hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold."

It dawned on me years ago that, though Christ gave me the gift of life, my gift to Him is that very life He gave me - He wants ALL of me back. Am I willing to sacrifice what He has given me and return it ALL back to Him? Am I willing to trust Him, follow Him and allow Him to refine me so that I may become something more than I could create on my own?

It is my true desire to show Him my love, adoration and sincere devotion by allowing Him to make me into a gift fit for His kingdom.

This song is one of my very favorites:

"GOLD" (from Camille Claudel)
lyrics by Nan Knighton music by Frank Wildhorn
as performed & recorded by Linda Eder

I wonder if when all is done
Anyone heard my voice
But from the start, we have no choice
Our journeys just begin

I'll never know if I was right
Did I fight hard enough?
Or when the battles grew to rough
Should I have given in?

But here I stand and swear to you
I did the best that I could do
I know my voice was just a whisper
But someone may have heard
There were nights the moon above me stirred
And let me grab a hold
My hands have touched the gold!

My heart's been driven by extremes
Blind with dreams, tight with fear
But still, God knows that I was here
And I was so alive!

So now I lay the past to rest
For in the end I did my best
You have to live the life you're given
And never close your eyes
You hold on and stare into the skies
And burn against the cold
For any moment, you might find the gold

And there was joy
Through it all
And I am standing tall

I know my voice was just a whisper
But someone must have heard
There were nights the moon above me stirred
And let my life take hold
I rode across that sky
And once I touched the gold!

Here in my own two hands
I once held the gold

You have been caught Jey Walking! (you're lookin' good!)

the battles i face

Who am I today and what battle must I face? What armor should I put on?

Am I fighting as a man - to be a man - to be be masculine - to understand masculinity - to be accepted by the world of men - to know the secrets of the brotherhood?

Am I fighting as a white person to prove that I am not the stereotype or maybe I am - that I too wish I was not judged by the color or lack of color of my skin? Must I prove that I have a dream as well?

Am I fighting as a brother, a son, a grandson, a nephew or a cousin to connect my family dots and repair what may be broken or find what my be lost?

Am I fighting as a friend to keep friends close - to find support from those I trust and to give support to those I care about?

Am I fighting as Latter-day Saint (Mormon) though I am excommunicated or maybe because I am - to prove that I am faithful - that I belong - that I am worthy?

Am I fighting as a Jew descendent - standing up against hatred and misunderstanding - or am I fighting to prove that I am apart of the family too even though I accept Christ as my Savior and not just a nice guy or an radical prophet/rabbi?

Am I fighting as a man struggling with same-sex attraction - proving that I can change through the power of the Atonement - while supporting and loving my gay brothers and sisters who don't seek change?

Am I fighting as an abused and neglected child who experienced the failing bureaucracy (are there any bureaucracy that are successful?) of the foster care system that is a part of a society that so often forgets that foster children are victims/survivors - not criminals and that with enduring love - any child can reach their potential?

Am I fighting as an HIV positive person who faces the stigma of a disease that is deemed by many to be less "honorable" than fighting against something like cancer? Am I fighting to educate others so that one day funding isn't entirely cut because of ignorance? Am I fighting to keep loved ones at a distance so their eventual loss isn't so dramatic - am I fighting to accept it all and learn to love more carefully? Am I living to die or dying to live - am I fighting to make the most out of what I have?

Am I fighting as an advocate for drug abuse prevention - so that people around the world, especially youth, will realize the dangers of the drugs they choose to take - the substances that destroy so many lives?

Am I fighting as an sex addict - someone who has put everything including his and others' lives on the line for fleeting moments of pleasure that merely act as my drug - clouding the pain of a life full of loss, abandonment and rejection?

Am I fighting as a American for democracy, freedoms, rights and privileges?

Am I fighting as a voter - someone who regardless of political scandals, lies and conspiracies - still puts his faith into a broken system - hoping that eventually the change he is seeking will come?

Am I fighting as a creator, a visionary and an artist for authenicity, originality and integrity? Am I fighting the - sometimes - thin line between reality and imagination - dreams and actuality? Am I fighting to create selfishly or share selflessly?

Am I fighting as a student - to learn all that I can and share that knowledge to those around me - freely and without arrogance? Am I fighting to learn or learning to fight?

Am I fighting as a human - a member of mankind - to live long enough to see people change their hearts and seek peace and love with one another more often?

What battle will I choose to face today? With so many battles - so many enemies - how am I to win and overcome?

"Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward." Hebrews 10:35

"But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold." Job 23:10

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them."

2 Kings 6:16

You have been caught Jey Walking! (and fighting too!)

do you believe in magic?

The other night I took one of those 5-Hour Energy drinks - to stay up while I continued cleaning up the mistakes of my semester long procrastination. Around 11 pm I decided I was hungry and decided to go to McDonald's. I went to the one of 6th Avenue and 14th Street instead of my usual 7th Avenue and 14th Street eat-something-before-I-get-on-the-train-home location.

The change was somewhat refreshing. In fact it was clean. The cashier was kind and quick. There were no more than 20 people in the place and this location is large. It was quiet and actually peaceful - for a fast food place and McDonald's in NYC - no less. I got fresh, hot fries for the first time in forever. There was no employees yelling at each other. No one walking around soliciting people for money and no one loitering . It was quite the experience.

I got my food and sat down and as I began to eat - The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire) began to play. To be real honest - I thought a tear might come rolling down my face at that moment. I wondered to myself if the energy drink had transported me to a hallucinogenic dimension. Where was I - New York City's Union Square was outside but inside it felt like I was in Small Town USA. Another song came on that is about going to Toytown but for some reason it sounded like Georgia - and that warmed my heart a little more. Maybe it was the magic of the Christmas season - it all seemed like an out of body experience.

Just as I was swept away with dreams of a snow covered New York City Christmas - in walked three white guys who - in my opinion - may not realize that they're white. Their clothing choices said it all - baggie pants - NASCAR racing jackets (one was for Double Stuff Oreos - maybe he thinks he is an "oreo") and Yankees hats cocked up and to the side. Even more disturbing was their language - there is nothing worse than anyone - but certainly white guys - throwing around the "N" word.

I soon left the McDonald's magic to return to my computer and the nightmare of the finals season - but now it's over - so there's some magic!

You've been caught Jey Walking!